New Year entry 2012

New year! Life continues to change, most of my plans don’t work out as I expect, but I’ve been able to have fun on the way, and overall I’m probably better than the year before. Pretty much my only real complaint that bugs me is I’m already older than I’d like to be unmarried, and I feel like I’m “getting behind” in some way. But I know it’s mostly silly and everything will work out. I was going to move out with CJ and Bryan but both are happily dating, and CJ’s pretty sure he’ll keep Michelle forever if she’ll let him. I’m actually less independent than when I was living on my own. So my two main thoughts of where my life was going independence-wise and roommate-wise are pretty shot down. But, I’m on the trial of how to get independent again (well, government aid :/ but a portion I still qualify for…), being as independent as before is pretty much my new years resolution, although has nothing to do with the changing of year, it’s just my goal right now :P.

Roommates is harder, sometimes I think it’d be fun to live with Neal and Andrew again, it’s tons of fun whenever I see them again. But location-wise (I’m using -wise a bunch today huh?) it’s not very good for all parties. Bigger than that though, it’s clear the humor, media choices, and some standards choices are still ones I was happy to be away from when moving apart in the first place. Probably 50% of the stories or jokes that come up when we’re hanging out fall into the “mmm, actually Corby wouldn’t think it’s funny” category, which is good and bad. I do understand what’s funny about these things, I used to make the same jokes along with them for quite a while, and I’d say I regress temporarily while I’m with them, so they can see I still relate. But I just think swearing is easy to avoid, even if it’s funny. And objectifying women and making a mockery of chastity just isn’t something I want to participate in, whether I find it funny or not. So living with them A. I’d feel like a killjoy when my presence makes them self conscious about things they say (no one has to make the same decisions as me by any means) and B. I don’t really enjoy being exposed to grime in media anyway.

Micah is a better thought but still highly unlikely. Although when we lived together he often slept through 1:00 church, and may have struggled with other things, he still has a testimony and wants to do the right thing, he just seemed to struggle with… motivation? I don’t know, whatever it was he was struggling with. If we lived together again I feel like I’d spend a lot of time and energy again trying to help him somehow, and I don’t think my “help” really helped much at all, it could be very draining on me though. We’ve been getting together most Saturdays for the past couple months and that’s been fun, we don’t have to live together to maintain our friendship. I worry with the way I’m trying to live now, living with Micah, or Neal or Andrew, would strain our friendships more than strengthen them.

Which basically puts me back in the unknown. Maybe Dan and Alex who I was going to move out with? But what am I expecting anyway, the perfect roommates? I’m not a perfect roommate. We had some struggles back at the apartment, but I talk to lots of people, and our apartment got along better than average I’d say. I just don’t know, I’m not even sure why I feel the need to move out and be independent when it’s so nice and loving and helpful and a standards-match all around at home. I’m grateful that I have this drive though and I’m not content to just work at home and let time fly by. I do see that living at home this past half-year was meant to be. With technology breaking and insurance failing to meet expectations I would not have been able to function as normally as I have without family (particularly my Mom) to rescue me. How long I’m supposed to stay? I don’t know, I’ll definitely work on becoming independent again in the meantime though.

I’d start into dating stories now but right now my objective is to just follow the spirit and not over think everything. I found an amazing girl who I’ve seen usually once a week, and talked to almost every day, but I worry she recently lost interest, and I’m doing my best to just be I guess. Not force something to work, or give up on it before it even really died, or expect a girlfriend from a just friend, or even to assume I know what is and isn’t the right person for me.

Spiritually… I have read at least chapter a day months now, and I’ve still gone to the temple every week without fail. I feel like it’s not enough though, I feel like I have to really sacrifice if I want to really get spiritual growth. I also feel like I might be making it harder than it needs to be, why must it be difficult? If I make scripture reading and temple attendance a priority enough that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing other things to do them, does that take away the growth? I don’t think so, but sometimes that’s what it feels like.