Random Thoughts 24 (1/1/2012)

Sunday, December 04, 2011
- I think I focus my excess flirting need into friends that I know I have all but 0 dating potential with (Ie: Kjersti, Karissa, Natalie…) haha

Thursday, December 08, 2011
- Had an excellent institute lesson on having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. How broken means broken like a new shoe that now fits, or like a horse who’s learned to be obedient, not broken like “the kids are broken, we need to go home.” I worry I’m not broken at all, I do all sorts of stuff for myself when I could be doing something more useful. I also worry though that I’m trying to be too much of a perfectionist, and if anything is just for fun, I feel like it’s a waste, and I’m sure that’s not right either. But if I was told never to play a video game again or read a fantasy novel, I’m not sure I could do it, so I don’t feel truly broken. I thought about it more though, I believe the reason I don’t think I could do it is because I wouldn’t be confident I’m even doing what I’m supposed to. I do believe if I felt the prompting as strong as the one to break up with Karina was, I’d give up video games or novels. I don’t think that will happen though. I hope not. I don’t do either of them excessively anymore like when growing up. They’re still my solo outlet though.

Friday, December 09, 2011
- Note to self, don’t ask a girl out when you are currently more intrigued with another girl. It doesn’t give you or the second girl as good of a chance.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011
- Crazy 24 hours. Car broke (although not in traffic!) wisdom teeth out, lost my AmEx, was told health care is ditching me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011
- To continue on my crazy week my CNA slid into a curb on the way to my house, a nurse lost her key in our house for three hours, my cath plugged up and the first change left me uncomfortable all day, and I found out there’s basically no way I’ll get my chair before the end of the year. Since work is witching insurances I’ll have to start the process all over again.
However, I think all this has been good evidence to my claim that only relationships and homework seem to be able to get me down. I’ve been in a fine mood all week, not ecstatic but content haha. The first presidency message this month recommends writing down 100 things we’re grateful for. Now seems like a good time for that. In no particular order, I’m grateful for/that:
1. My car didn’t die when I was alone on the freeway Monday
2. My car died when I had family around to fix it with me, it was actually fun.
3. It was only a 1-day $400 fix and not a “get a new van!” problem
4. I’ve been able to get to know Audrey lately
5. My upright tolerance is almost never a problem anymore
6. I have a stable job who cares about me
7. I enjoy the challenge of my job
8. I’m financially stable (if not ahead)
9. Money isn’t a big life motivation for me
10. Trials rarely depress me
11. I have a wonderful example in my parents and all my siblings
12. My typing aids
13. My laptop
14. My relaxed Sunday mornings
15. My opportunity and motivation to home teach
16. My ability to easily bond with people
17. My wheelchair seems to have stabilized for now
18. I have many people fighting to get my insurance stuff worked out
19. Home cooked meals
20. The safety of living at home
21. Having had the experience of moving out
22. My patriarchal blessing
23. The ability to go to the temple often, even when ones closed
24. The ability to drive my van
25. Having almost exclusively happy memories
26. The gospel’s pre-emptive principles keeping my clear of drug porn or alcohol addictions
27. The freedom to do whatever I want with my life
28. The ability to communicate effectively
29. The joy I get out of talking to people
30. My sense of humor
31. My intellect
32. My healthy teeth
33. I don’t have to work hard or watch what I eat to maintain my size
34. My smart phone
35. That there’s more to my life now than video games.
36. The exciting ReEn shift at work
37. The closeness of my team at work
38. The awesome and smooth interaction between everyone at work, team or no
39. Fun movie quotes
40. Snickers, twix, and plain M&Ms
41. Discovering my fun Mario Blaster project
42. Having enough coding knowledge to make the above project go fast, fun, and be easily expandable.
43. My extended family parties
44. Playing games with Rob and Jill
45. Closeness with Stephy even when we haven’t been able to spend much time together
46. My singing voice
47. My love for music
48. That the music I love is stuff I can listen to around anyone without being embarrassed
49. That I’m aware of myself enough to not just be run by instinct
50. That I’ve been able to read fad series’ and gain my own opinions.

(that’s all the further I got that day, hopefully I find time for another 50 sometime)

Monday, December 26, 2011
- Where your treasure is your heart is also? My time seems mostly spent on entertaining myself with books and video games, what’s that mean?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011
- Sad I think all my single guy friends struggle with the church, or at least with keeping what I see as important commandments (who am I to say though?). All the firm ones are happily married, and pretty much all my female friends are valiant too. Hopefully this doesn’t say anything about me :/.

Sunday, January 01, 2012
- Wrote the new year entry below.

New Year entry 2012

New year! Life continues to change, most of my plans don’t work out as I expect, but I’ve been able to have fun on the way, and overall I’m probably better than the year before. Pretty much my only real complaint that bugs me is I’m already older than I’d like to be unmarried, and I feel like I’m “getting behind” in some way. But I know it’s mostly silly and everything will work out. I was going to move out with CJ and Bryan but both are happily dating, and CJ’s pretty sure he’ll keep Michelle forever if she’ll let him. I’m actually less independent than when I was living on my own. So my two main thoughts of where my life was going independence-wise and roommate-wise are pretty shot down. But, I’m on the trial of how to get independent again (well, government aid :/ but a portion I still qualify for…), being as independent as before is pretty much my new years resolution, although has nothing to do with the changing of year, it’s just my goal right now :P.

Roommates is harder, sometimes I think it’d be fun to live with Neal and Andrew again, it’s tons of fun whenever I see them again. But location-wise (I’m using -wise a bunch today huh?) it’s not very good for all parties. Bigger than that though, it’s clear the humor, media choices, and some standards choices are still ones I was happy to be away from when moving apart in the first place. Probably 50% of the stories or jokes that come up when we’re hanging out fall into the “mmm, actually Corby wouldn’t think it’s funny” category, which is good and bad. I do understand what’s funny about these things, I used to make the same jokes along with them for quite a while, and I’d say I regress temporarily while I’m with them, so they can see I still relate. But I just think swearing is easy to avoid, even if it’s funny. And objectifying women and making a mockery of chastity just isn’t something I want to participate in, whether I find it funny or not. So living with them A. I’d feel like a killjoy when my presence makes them self conscious about things they say (no one has to make the same decisions as me by any means) and B. I don’t really enjoy being exposed to grime in media anyway.

Micah is a better thought but still highly unlikely. Although when we lived together he often slept through 1:00 church, and may have struggled with other things, he still has a testimony and wants to do the right thing, he just seemed to struggle with… motivation? I don’t know, whatever it was he was struggling with. If we lived together again I feel like I’d spend a lot of time and energy again trying to help him somehow, and I don’t think my “help” really helped much at all, it could be very draining on me though. We’ve been getting together most Saturdays for the past couple months and that’s been fun, we don’t have to live together to maintain our friendship. I worry with the way I’m trying to live now, living with Micah, or Neal or Andrew, would strain our friendships more than strengthen them.

Which basically puts me back in the unknown. Maybe Dan and Alex who I was going to move out with? But what am I expecting anyway, the perfect roommates? I’m not a perfect roommate. We had some struggles back at the apartment, but I talk to lots of people, and our apartment got along better than average I’d say. I just don’t know, I’m not even sure why I feel the need to move out and be independent when it’s so nice and loving and helpful and a standards-match all around at home. I’m grateful that I have this drive though and I’m not content to just work at home and let time fly by. I do see that living at home this past half-year was meant to be. With technology breaking and insurance failing to meet expectations I would not have been able to function as normally as I have without family (particularly my Mom) to rescue me. How long I’m supposed to stay? I don’t know, I’ll definitely work on becoming independent again in the meantime though.

I’d start into dating stories now but right now my objective is to just follow the spirit and not over think everything. I found an amazing girl who I’ve seen usually once a week, and talked to almost every day, but I worry she recently lost interest, and I’m doing my best to just be I guess. Not force something to work, or give up on it before it even really died, or expect a girlfriend from a just friend, or even to assume I know what is and isn’t the right person for me.

Spiritually… I have read at least chapter a day months now, and I’ve still gone to the temple every week without fail. I feel like it’s not enough though, I feel like I have to really sacrifice if I want to really get spiritual growth. I also feel like I might be making it harder than it needs to be, why must it be difficult? If I make scripture reading and temple attendance a priority enough that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing other things to do them, does that take away the growth? I don’t think so, but sometimes that’s what it feels like.