Random Thoughts 19 (7/28/2011) Primarily A Rant

Monday, July 11, 2011

- So, I was feeling anti-social and didn’t want to go to the activity tonight. I have somewhat mixed feelings on whether I should force myself to go when feeling socially lame or not. Sometimes I get there and get invigorated and I’m glad I went. But sometimes I go and I’m socially blah, in front of people I’m attracted to, and I’m sad I showed them that side of me haha. Today was close to the middle but leaning towards the “my blah showed up”. But overall it’s probably good that I went. Oh well.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

- I think I can be officially deemed a ‘former gamer’ at this point in my life. Someone asked if I play some new game that’s out and I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m proud of this haha.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I, am a maelstrom of emotion. Since graduating my fears of what might happen have come true. Which is funny now that I think about it. If I predicted this, why didn’t I do more to prepare/prevent it? the answer is simple, I felt like I was doing something about it, and maybe I’ve been doing well, but tonight, it just doesn’t feel like it’s been enough. Here’s what it is, I don’t feel like I’m progressing. I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything, I don’t feel like I’m growing into anything. I know this life is about learning, and I feel like I’m stagnant, and that every day that goes by is added to the useless category. Also, I entirely rationally realize this is irrational, even selfish as my mom has pointed out. Irrational because I AM growing, the stuff I’m learning at work is DEFINITELY valuable. I’m learning tons about work environments, management strategies, dealing with the specific people around me, coding techniques, cool development tools, and sound design patterns; All the while earning more than double my monthly spending. That, in its self, should probably be pretty satisfying. In addition to that, since I received my endowments on April 21st I have been back to the temple literally every week. I do find some peace there, but mostly I go because I know it’s a good thing to do. I wish I was more motivated by the service aspect of it.

Which brings us to the selfishness of my whole outlook right now. Why should going to the temple (or doing anything really) be about me? Me feeling fulfilled, me feeling like I’m progressing, me gaining something at all. Why do I have this feeling I’m wasting time? And here’s the stupid part, you know what for some reason makes me feel like all these things wouldn’t be a waste of time? Marriage. For some reason, in my mind, once you hit marriage, time isn’t wasted, it’s kind of just like a “endure to the end” mode for your personal life, and a “provide a stable environment so you can have kids and they can progress too” mode. Money, is not motivating to me. An attribute I do still like by the way, and it’s funny that I’m frugal as I am when money is such a small deal in my mind. But I guess, to me, the whole purpose of money is to provide for a family. If not that… what? And another oddity, I see a friend going to China and teaching them language for 4 months as a really good thing to do, that counts as progression to me. It’s like another unique experience counts as progression… for them. But for some reason, the thought of doing such a thing myself doesn’t carry the same usefulness. Finding health care in China would be a lot trouble anyway. Maybe I do need to do something that extreme though.

All of this is particularly keen on my mind tonight because I had a plan, and it shifted, and now I feel like I’m floundering again. I’m currently living at home. For some reason, living at home keeps a semi constant shame in the back of my head. It’s funny how many people think I’m a yellow personality. If I were primarily a yellow, I guarantee I wouldn’t worry about wasting time this much. I need to get better at living in the moment. I’m good at doing it with individual circumstances. I don’t feel lame at work, or at FHE, or at church, or on a date, or with friends. I can just be in the moment and enjoy it there. Tangent, I still love my job, it actually keeps getting better even. Anyway, it’s just the nights I have nothing going that I feel this waste. Which is probably appropriate seeing as I’m doing nothing at the time. Go figure.

Anyway, I got a call from Dan Garner mid-summer wanting me to move to Provo with him and Alex King in August. Two huge social and spiritual studs from my Bluffdale Arts Council days. Epic! I prayed about it, didn’t really get an answer either way, and decided to go for it. I kept feeling uncomfortable like something wasn’t lined up yet and I shouldn’t sign the contract, but I did anyway. A few weeks passed, and I kept feeling more apprehensive about the whole thing. I can name specific “reasons” that came to mind, but at this point I’m pretty sure they were just excuses I was finding to justify my apprehension. Last night I prayed about it after a session, and honestly I still mostly got nothing, I’m basically basing my whole decision off the fact that the thought of moving out makes me more nervous than staying here. I’m not someone to allow myself to be ruled by my fears though. If it’s just me being insecure, I’ll go for it. But in my efforts to be as in tune to the spirit as possible, I’m trying to follow my gut instincts, even if I don’t see why, and even if it’s a tiny thing. Moving out despite my gut instinct was the only exception, where I ignored my gut. Well, now I’m not moving out. Surprise! I talked to my wonderful mom about it, I think I’m going to start going to Neuro-Works (physical therapy) and see if there’s anything new I can learn, or if there’s ways I’ve atrophied that I can repair. And it feels like less of a waste when I write it now than it did when I first had the idea. In fact “I’ feel less like a waste than I did when I started writing this whole blurb. Venting is great. Ahhh… Anyway, I’ve left out a ton of details, but I don’t care. Having put my decision down in writing and throwing it to wind has made me feel better. Goodnight Neverland!

Oh, I haven’t been adding posts for my temple miles (since I haven’t been posting at all…) they have been as follows starting June 24 to the present day. 359.9, 317, 344.7, 434.4, 136.8 (twice in one week!), 435.2, and 451.7.