Random Thoughts 20 (8/28/2011)

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

- I realized something weird. I think I like reporting in, and telling my managers about my bug progress, and when I leave for lunch or what not. Odd.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

- Oook a few rants. So I was out to dinner with a new friend (Julia) and she made a comment along the lines of “you like to have every night planned, huh?” it had a “you’re not very spontaneous, are you?” energy to me, and I wanted to deny it, because I consider myself a spontaneous person. But in truth lately, I haven’t been. Or at least if I am technically a spontaneous personality, I’ve made so many plans I haven’t had time to be spontaneous. I really plan most nights.

I used to be super spontaneous. I was great at living in the moment. I used to drive around to friends houses late at night and throw marshmallows at their window to get their attention just to chat a while. Even when I threw parties in high school I didn’t have any rhyme or reason. It’s not like I was known for having a monthly party. If I felt like throwing a party, I did. Even when I moved out, my instinct any time I went to get food was to check if I could find companionship in the process.

Now, somehow, if I don’t have anything planned I feel useless. Part of my contentment I know as that even if everyone said no, I’d still have video games to play. I feel mostly lame playing video games alone now though (although they’re a great social activity), and I don’t have any other consistent activity I enjoy. All of this basically adds up to me being less content.

I had an “ah-ha!” while praying the other night though. I have not been acting on the confidence I have that everything happens for a reason. I have been clean, and going to the temple every week, and so I have this expectation that I should be worthy to be guided into constant growth opportunities or “useful” things to do. But my life hasn’t been living up to that expection. On days I’m doing nothing I feel like I’m failing somehow. But, I feel at peace having to made the choice to stay home (for now). I think as long as I stay worthy and listen, I can stop feeling guilty about “wasting” time when no other plans came to fruition.

- At the moment I’m still terrible at vegging, when did this happen?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

- “For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one hacking at the root.” – Henry Thorough

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

- I titled the left side of my left monitor towards me an inch so it's facing more directly at me, and I feel like everything has changed.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

- I used to be a professional handicapped person (I got paid for it!) but now it’s just a hobby J

Friday, August 26, 2011

- Where do construction workers park? There must be a construction bus.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

- So… Karissa Kim loves this fantasy series called the Belgariad. As a general rule, I Karissa Kim has good taste in stuff, so me and CJ decided to read the Belgariad series (5 medium-small books). I learned something interesting about my reading preferences though. To me, it’s not just enough to have a random adventure in a known world. I love discovering what’s going on along side with the characters. I realized this because the Belgariad drove me CRAZY. They give you a prophesy about the main character in the prologue, and then he embarks on an adventure with people who know who he is, and he keeps asking them who he is and they tell him to shut up or clean the dishes. Having the characters continually have discussions about something I the reader already knew about made me want to gouge my eyes out. And it took the rest of the joy of the small discoveries in the world out of it. I completed book two and the main character still doesn’t know he’s anything special. Two complete books of them lying to him and avoiding his questions! Ugh! On the way to Lake Powell we read Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card, instantly and massively intriguing. And while there I picked up Fablehaven and read the first third, also entertaining, and I decided “yeah, I’m not finishing the Belgariad…”

- I had a bit of an aha, which I haven’t thought through in detail so this will be kind of a free write. But, I have concluded I’m even worse at dating than I thought haha. Or at least, the way I date leads to the fact I have friends but no girlfriends. I mean, I even call many of my dates “friend dates” and if people are like “oooOOOooo a date! What are you going to do?” I’m usually like “I don’t know, she’s a good friend so I don’t think it really matters much”. I started doing these friend date style dates and luncheons because I found showing romantic interest scares girls off, and so I don’t even get a chance to spend time with them. At least if I put their mind at ease in regards to romantic pursuit we can spend time together, thus there’s theoretically a higher chance of romantic opportunity, and I think this theory is still moderately true. However, I think I may be unconsciously wussing out.

Most of my previous relationships have taken no effort to begin. I spent time around someone, we enjoyed each other’s company a lot, we end up spending progressively more time together, finally we discuss it and decide to date. That’s been the trend for almost all my relationships. I don’t know how to pursue otherwise. I can however think of one big difference. For example, back when I ended up dating Katie, I found her on MySpace, and the first message I wrote her I was pretty forward, forward enough that now I’d be worried a girl would think I’m a creeper if I said those same things. Part of the reason that worked with Katie was because she had a kind of low confidence, and responded well to being complimented. But part of it (and a part I feel I’ve lost) was my confidence. I knew I wasn’t a creeper, I didn’t analyze or second guess what effect my words might have on her, I just said what I wanted to. She told me she had emotional walls, I told her I didn’t care and it wouldn’t be a problem, and it wasn’t! And I had an excellent dating experience with her. Now, in a similar circumstance, I think I’d be less forward, and I’d back off a little when they expressed fear of relationships. As such, I remain single.

Another thing I realized is I don’t know how to keep momentum going. I basically take a wonderful girl on a date, we have an ok time but nothing magical happens. I take her out because I’d be totally open to something happening. But when the date is just ok, I figure it didn’t work this time, and I end up not going on another date for like three months. It’s like I have ten fires I’m trying to start and I keep rotating using my flint and steel on each pile for 20 seconds, and when it doesn’t start I try the next pile. By the time I get back to the first pile again, my previous efforts have left nothing to build on.

As always, I’m not really sure what to do with this information/theory. It’s like previously I just had the confidence, and me and someone clicked, and a relationship happened. I have frequently had such confidence lately, and been around people, and we didn’t click in a relationship way. So that alone isn’t it. As always it’s just not something I can force or plan to move forward with, especially given the uniqueness of each girl I may be interested in getting to know or pursue. But yeah, there’s a dating rant haha.