Random Thoughts 32 (10/14/2012)

So, the quick version is life has been crazy and different (and mostly great J ) since moving out, August 14th. As such, I've rarely had the motivated alone time to update my blog. However, when I have something I want to write, usually I write down a sentence reminding me of what I is, so I can come back and fill it in later. Well it’s later. Oct 14th later (hey”! exactly two months!) and so some of these things will be written with as a past event, that I’m filling in later, and some will be written in present tense. Deal with it.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012
- Bucket list goal, get nuzzled by a large cat.

Saturday, August 11, 2012
- Just slept for 11 hours, like a boss.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012
- I don’t fully understand how they split books in the BoM. I mean the last half of Helaman is actually Helaman’s son Nephi, and then the book of Third Nephi is Nephi’s son Nephi. So why wasn't the book of Helaman just shorter, and Third Nephi was right after? *shrug*

Thursday, August 16, 2012
- So I noticed a failure to follow the spirit in regards to buying my education week ticket. I put I off a few times, and I thought I was just procrastinating. But even when I actually bought it I was feeling reluctant about it. In my head I was like “woahh, ed week is definitely a good thing to do! This can’t be a prompting!” and bought the ticket anyway. Turns out moving would take more time, I’d feel more sick, and I’d have less van then I planned haha. I probably should have done just Friday or some such. Throwing away $30 is a failure consequence I can handle. I hope I’m wiser next time though.
- So I had a night where I felt particularly tempted to make a stupid chastity blunder, and I didn’t, but I was SUPER upset about it anyway haha. I’ve been clean and making good decisions I feel consistently, and so I was totally blindsided by the temptation. It was too close for comfort though, so I decided to study more. What I was referred to was a talk called the abc’s of addiction. It talked about how with any addiction, we tend to focus on the behavior, but really the behavior is just caused by a deeper need. If someone keeps falling and getting bruised, and we just tend to the bruises every time, we’re never addressing why they keep falling in the first place, and their bound to fall and get bruised again. 
What I got out of it is that I was feeling lonely, and for the most part I was finding non-sinful ways to bandaid my loneliness, but I really still needed to find comfort and contentedness with just myself and God, or there was still the risk I might do something stupid. Luckily I didn’t have to get bruised to have this ah-ha, but it was a dangerously close stumble.

Saturday, August 18, 2012
- In connection to the talk mentioned above, I think maybe my shame or sheepishness from using a dating website is probably because I was “acting out” by using it (even though there’s nothing wrong with dating websites), and a subconscious part of me knew it.

Monday, August 20, 2012
- Impressions of new ward

Thursday, August 23, 2012
- The new ward has been AWESOME!! There was a small group of close ward friends over the Summer, and they were ready and willing to invite all us new people into their circles. Also, tons of the new people were cool and ready to step outside themselves and make friends. We’re on the first floor right near the entrance, so basically we leave our door open and people just come in and hang out. It’s been way fun! And our apartment is a great clean inviting environment. Love it J

Saturday, August 25, 2012
- AWESOME Saturday! I got a great sleep in, then I went to work (since it’s so close now) to work on my creative spark. While there I got to chat with Sierra and Dr. K. and I even came home in time to socially with people while we left the door open! Awesome!

Sunday, August 26, 2012
- My apartment is such a different atmosphere from when I last moved out. Where with my last apartment I had to crank up my music to drown out anime or the like so I could study, this morning I cranked up my Pandora to drown out CJ’s loud conference talks in the shower haha. It’s like “HEY! Can you turn down the words of the prophets so I can study the words of the prophets!? GEEZ!”
- Money is not the root of all evil, the scriptures say it’s the love of money. This has never really stuck out or mattered to me, I’m not driven by money, I don’t feel greedy of worldly things, so it’s not a big deal. But in Sunday School, Salah (awesome name) put it this way, “it’s a sin to trust in money to solve our problems rather than trusting in the Lord.” That hammered me! I mathed out my finances and I theoretically will profit $30 a month with my health care spending, my crazy van payment, and my current spending trends. I was thinking “well, I’ll just have to make it work until I can get a promotion. Likely in February because that’s when they usually do them.”But this hit me hard. I was thinking “you'd have an easier time being independent if you had more money.” But no, I'd have an easier time being independent if I trusted in the Lord more.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012
- Amazing day! Lots of neat thoughts from institute to follow, I’m going to love that class (with Brother Soderberg).
- So remember my note above about deciding to rely more on the Lord on Sunday? Well, Monday Robert pulled me into his office at work, and asked me to be the new team lead for the Client team!!! (since we let go of the Uruguay office) So excited!!
- How can I make Christ not just an influence in my life, but the controlling influence?
- You should care more about how long you read than how much you read. (future addendum, I changed my daily study from ”1 chapter a day” to “15 minutes” and the results have been wonderful.)
- We don't have to fight the devil. We fill ourselves with truth and the Lord fight the devil for us. D&C 93:36-37. Endowment movie follows this pattern. He sends people down.
- Reading the book of Mormon doesn't bring us closer to heavenly father than any other book. Abiding by its precepts does.
- Nephi emphasizes blessings more than trials, implied by the order he mentions them at the very start of the BoM.
- Oh man, Brother Soderberg and I DEFINITELY have very different trials haha. He came from a broken home and never wanted to get married. One day he prayed and told the Lord he’d do whatever the Lord wanted, be whoever He wanted him to be, except that he wasn’t going to get married. The next Sunday he met his future wife and was basically bludgeoned that night with a revelation he should marry her. He said “I rolled over in my bed, and swore.” Haha! Ahh man, I would LOE to be bludgeoned with a revelation of who I should pursue and marry. I do like meeting people for fun purposes, but I am waaaay ready to be out of the searching phase.
- If you pay tithing you will be able to do more with your 90% than you would with 100%. Tithing your time with temple attendance works the same GOOOO!
 - When you stop yourself in relationships, take note of why, and if it works for you.

Friday, September 07, 2012
- So Kellie (sister) was doing school for emotional processing. She encouraged me to try it (not with her) and I figured “why not?” and scheduled one. Long story short I didn’t really get much out of it sadly. I’m pretty self sustaining apparently. The two main things though were #1 I need to let go of the guilt of people I’ve tried to help and failed at. #2 I backed off on physical expression  too far, and it doesn’t make me happy.

Sunday, September 16, 2012
- Super awesome day today. Wish I wasn't having to write on my phone. I write my ideas better on my computer. But I'm already in bed.
 To sum up, we had an awesome stake conference where Elder Oaks wife ( who didn't get married until she was 53) talked about how you may not be doing anything wrong, it's just about the Lord's timing, dedicate yourself to him whatever that means. Marriage or no. Then me and CJ went home and had an awesome day with the family. Then we came back for ward prayer and went to this small scripture study group afterwards, and it was AWESOME! I have a powerful renewed commitment to dedicate my life to the Lord whatever that means. We talked about how everyone who makes it to the celestial kingdom will have to undergo their own Abrahamic trial, being willing to give up the thing do you love most in this world for the Lord. I'll bet we have various of these types of trial throughout our lives. I know putting the Lord before Brandon Sanderson novels is hard for me. Ridiculous but it's true. But I'm sure and even bigger one is not getting married yet. Being willing to fully commit myself to the gospel even if it means no wife. There has been times when the thought of this is painful or ridiculous. But I feel like I've been tempered enough to trust in the Lord in this, whether that means I get a companion in this life or not. I just want to be a tool in his hands whatever that means. People make such a huge deal out of things like gay marriage. But I love it when the prophets come out and ask us to make a stand. I guess maybe I could be more outgoing with my stand. I'm not really sure what that would look like. But the real point is I love having an opportunity to follow the prophet when he asks something of us that society doesn't agree with. I know I'm probably only at the most basic point of faith, and that I will probably get barraged with crazy hard trials as I make this commitment. But I do definitely want to be whatever the Lord wants me to be. I am done assuming I know what He wants. I'm done assuming even I know what I want or need. My first big hurdle will probably be developing a confidence when I get an answer or prompting versus when I'm having a stupid thought on my own. But I want to be the type of disciple that would trust in the Lord enough to take my only son up to the mountain for sacrifice if I knew that that's what the Lord asked of me.
 On other news, my parents are pretty sure they'll be able to sell my van this week. So I went and opened the door with the taillight one last time. And I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the independence that van had brought me over the last five or so years. It also made me want to commit my life to Heavenly Father.
 Also it was awesome that I can listen to conference talks with CJ on the way back to Orem.
 Also it's 12:37 and I have bowel care in four hours, ugh. Haha.

Monday, September 17, 2012
- “You NEVER check your religion at the door.” https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2012/09?lang=eng Whew! Elder Holland is a powerhouse!
- “When He comes, I want to be caught in the act of spreading the gospel.”

Thursday, September 20, 2012
- Double tender mercies yesterday. Leaving work, I needed food but I didn’t want to eat alone. I told myself “if someone texts me I’ll take them to dinner” and Claudia did. So I did J Usually stuff like that doesn’t work. Anyway on the way back I had to drive the long way around my building to get to parking, and I passed by Chelsea/Kylie/Ayrika’s window, and Chelsea saw me and kept calling my name as I got out of the car, so I ended up hanging out with them the rest of the night haha. I Love this place.
- I’m not very good at journal lately… but my scripture study has improved!

Saturday, September 22, 2012
- Get the little big planet Beethoven song as a ring tone. (future note, I totally did this :D)

Sunday, September 23, 2012 (phone notes)
- Go to the temple or fast with the purpose of understanding your patriarchal blessings better.
- I was baptized last CENTURY!
- Don't ask "what am I doing wrong?" ask, "what more can I be doing right?" Or "what other good can I do?"
- Read discourses of the prophets

Saturday, September 29, 2012
Interesting day. Scott Pilgrim and Tetris with Micah Josh. Chicken enchiladas and monsters Inc. with the youngins (Ayrika, Kylie, and Jodee are all 18 :/). Tried to get on our hard couches but no go. If there is an appropriate cuddle outlet I haven't found it.

Sunday, September 30, 2012
- In answer to your unspoken question, yes, I am holding a small adorable child who is feeding an even smaller adorable child. 

Tuesday, October 02, 2012
- True disciples speak often with others about the gospel. 3 Nephi 24:16 “Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another, and the Lord hearkened and heard; and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the Lord, and that thought upon his name.”

Wednesday, October 03, 2012
- Is my hug instinct diminished? I saw Kylie, who is super cute, at the end of the hall, and didn’t drive to her for a hug! Maybe it’s cuz I was just playing a TD…

Friday, October 05, 2012
- “I bless you to be actively engaged with people that you might live as a beacon of hope and promise for the future in their lives as well as your own.” Phrase in my blessing stood out to me today, just felt to write it down. Particularly the “as well as your own” part.

Monday, October 08, 2012
- Haha ok so since I’ve been promoted to team lead work has been absolutely CRAZY! I run around all the time! It’s a good thing I wasn’t in a phase where I had someone I’d text or FB chat with regularly, because they would have felt ignored.
Anyway, we also got a new CTO (chief technology officer) and BIG changes have been going down. Team structures, testing strategies, who is under which VP, etc… Wednesday is our dev complete day for 3.17, and there have been so many crazy quirks and bad requirements and technical pitfalls and such this sprint. So Monday, Robert pulls me and Naor into his office and tells us Allen (new CTO) has decided to “flatten the teams”. So me and Naor are going back to being developers. This may sound sad, BUT! #1 I was pretty darn stressed, and it was an instant load of passing it to Robert. #2 they aren’t revoking my pay-raise :D.  #3 I feel like my experience as a grunt lead will make me a better grunt myself. #4 it’s not like I did anything wrong, Naor has been a developer for 12+ years and our team lead since May, and they pushed him back into the team too. Anyway it was cool.

Sunday, October 14, 2012
- And now we’re finally to today! Nothing particularly interesting to report. I’m still trying my best to dedicate myself to whatever the Lord wants me to be, and I include it in my prayers. I took Kylie to Divine Comedy last night, it was fun. She’s an amazing girl but I doubt she’s romantically interested in me, which is fine cuz she’s 18, but she’s great companionship. Work is great, I’m well used to my new van and wheelchair. It’s starting to get cold outside and it makes me sad. Yeah… Oh! I’ve decided I really need to make a bucket list, something to look forward too. It’s not of dire import because I’m pretty happy as is. But it’ll be good to have stuff to look forward to the times I am feeling low, seeing as I’m usually not in a brainstorming mood at such times :P.