Random Thoughts 15 (more like a long journal entry...)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

- So… I was driving my chair from the car to the office after getting some Arbys (my current lunch venue of choice) and I was zoned out in my thoughts driving full speed. At the last second I noticed I was about to go up a ramp on the sidewalk and I hit it at pretty much full speed. My legs flailed about and one foot landed in front of the foot rest. In the process of trying to put it back on I ended up pulling my foot out of my shoe, by myself, in front of the office haha. I ended up going inside to get my team lead and have him but my shoe back on. It’s been an office joke since…

Saturday, February 26, 2011

- I worked a 12 hour workday today for quite possibly the first time ever. Well, first time for 12 hours of the same job anyway. We’re upgrading to a new version and apparently it’s a lot slower and no one noticed, so everyone was in crazy mode trying to gather data and find improvements.

- So I was scratching Marie’s back and chatting until 3 AM and I realized something. I like giving back scratches just as much, if not more, than receiving them. I think with most people it’s a “if I scratch your back (which isn’t enjoyable for me) then later you’ll scratch my back (which is enjoyable for me” and so both people do something they don’t like to get something they do like. With me though, just the fact that whoever I’m scratching is enjoying it is reward enough for me to love doing it, I love making them happy. And although I like getting back scratches too, it’s not any way related to my motivation for giving them.

- So I was driving and I looked over and saw a guy driving with only one finger on the steering wheel. And my first thought was something like “oh yeah, I’ll bet that guy thinks he’s awesome, driving with one finger.” But then I was like “wait, I do stuff like that and also feel awesome.” There’s something about the male mentality that’s like “yeah, check me out, I’m in total control of this 2 ton vehicle moving at 65 MPH with a SINGLE FINGER! I am awesome!”

- So there’s so much to be said about Marie, and I don’t think I’ll do it justice in this sitting. At this point it’s one of those “I don’t want to write about it unless I’m going to do it proper justice, and I don’t think I’ll do it proper justice today so I won’t write today” things. But at this point it’s at that “it’s a choice between not doing it justice or never writing anything at all” so I’m going with the former. I’m actually writing this on March 27th btw.

First of all I believe it’s actually partly Marie’s fault I haven’t updated my blog in a while. You see, she makes me happy. I’ve found that I most often blog insights about things wrong in my life that I’d like to fix. With Marie in it though, I’ve mostly felt so happy that I haven’t had much of a need to write, and even the things that are wrong I talk to her about so I still get it outside just me, thus less drive to blog. Also I haven’t been bringing my lappy to work so I’d have to re-enter my apartment every day to get it, at which point the drive to do something like this magically vanishes. However! I do love writing still! And so when I had thoughts or stories I tried to write just a few words that would remind me of my thought so I could finish writing it out later! Today I’m doing that, and there’s some notes about Marie along the way so I figured I’d put this small essay here towards the start.

That being said, Kalia, Marie and I used to get food together all the time close to before Kalia left on her mission. They were both attractive but I mostly debated dating Kalia at the time. A monthish ago Kalia got back from her mission and I was excited to see if she had calmed down a bit, since that was my only reason I didn’t try to date her. I always knew she is wicked smart and has a serious side, but her bubbly side was just too much for me as far as dating goes. I have concluded that that’s just the way she has fun though. It’s entirely wholesome and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not for me. It’s like when you’re with people who just keep laughing histerically at their inside joke and you sit off to the side and watch. Anyway Kalia is great and I enjoy being around her but I’m unlikely to date her.

Later the first night I met up with Kalia though we met up with Marie, who I hadn’t seen since Kalia left if I’m not mistaken. And she was just so much more attractive to me than before. The 3 of us had so much fun! Me and Marie got talking about this dark dating experience she was on the tail end of and ended up talking until 3:30 (we kicked Kalia out at 12:00 cuz she was falling asleep haha). There was just a depth of personality to Marie that’s deeper than most the girls I’ve tried taking out lately, and it was very refreshing. She is also way smart and can keep up with witty banter, as well as having a strong enough backbone to stand up for herself or dish out teasing back, it was fun. Not to mention we got to have a super in depth conversation about motivations and intentions and so on…

The feeling of infatuation was there for the first 2 weeks or so. I was so excited to see her, and when people would ask how my dating life is I’d get a smile on my face that answered their question before I even started talking. Being around Marie just energized me, I was naturally my favorite me around Marie. Now, 6 or something weeks later, most of the above is still true. She still brings out my favorite side of me just by being near me, we still have amazing conversations, I still think there’s more too her than most the girls I take out. The only difference I can see is for some reason the infatuation is gone. The back of my mind tells me I don’t get to have her. She’s preparing for a mission, and there’s no doubt she’d bless many lives if she goes, so maybe I’m not supposed to hold her back. The way we have been dating has been very wholesome, we haven’t even kissed yet (despite discussing it various times, and staying up late talking frequently, which usually is a time where carnal resistance is down and I’ve been more likely to make stupid kissing decisions) so maybe the lack of romantic drive is to help keep me dating the right way, and we are dating, not exclusive but dating.

I almost want to compare this circumstance with Marie to Mallorie but there’s some huge differences. #1 With Marie I had that romantic drive at first, I don’t know what changed it but it has left for now. That being said I know I can feel that way about Marie. With Mallorie I never had that feel, I was hoping I could make it develop. #2 Marie energizes me just by being close, it doesn’t take any conscious effort to bring out my favorite side of me around her. Mallorie I still had to try, and I don’t think it ever came out like it does with Marie. #3 I genuinely love talking to Marie, every time. I don’t know why, and I still feel like a jerk about it, but sometimes with Mallorie I’d start to zone out and I’d consciously reign myself back in. I guess the only real way the two circumstances are similar is that both of them are brilliant motivated amazing women who for some reason I don’t feel a romantic drive for right now and I don’t know why. My best guess is I still have a subconscious drive for a trophy wife in all aspects, which is ridiculous. Anyway, enough about that for now.

- So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet but I decided to only play WoW once a week, Thursdays at the moment. We (me and the roomies) want to start raiding since we’ve done most of the small stuff a bunch and it’s getting old. So we got a pug raid together and didn’t pull off a kill. But the next night (while I was on a date with Marie) they formed up again and downed a boss without me. Now normally, when Final Countdown or someone downed a boss on the night I missed, my instinct would be “ughh! Dang I missed it!” but I’m happy to announce I was just like “nice! Awesome for them!” and I didn’t really feel any jealousy about not being there. It’s a good sign to me that the game has no hold on me anymore.

- So I love doing my public speaking message and sharing my story and singing for people and what not, but I decided the chapel is my least favorite place to do so. When I’m talking, I like to joke around and make people laugh and such, and it just seems like the chapel is meant to be more a place of reverence, and so people are more reluctant to laugh, and I’m less reluctant to be as spontaneous with what I’m saying and such. It’s all perceptions and not any rules anyone’s set, but regardless, the perceptions are there, and I’d rather speak in other rooms if I have the choice.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

- I certainly don’t have all people figured out. Sometimes it seems like a safe assumption that if someone cares about one thing, they’ll care about another. Like, I’ve always found it weird when a girl who bears a strong powerful testimony shows up wearing something super immodest. I’m tempted to think if you feel the gospel that strongly then immodesty is a easy decision. Anyway another manifestation of that was today. Last Sunday of the month, I knew I should do home teaching, but I was like “meh, I don’t feel like it” home teaching motivation can be hard. But, as I was about to head to my parents house, Micah had the motivation to bring it up! And I jumped on board. In fact I was so happy from spending the day with my family and Marie that home teaching kind of became a Corby show (which I feel a bit bad about, but one of the girls was pretty grumpy at the start and giggling at the end, so I think it was good…) anyway the interesting thing to me is I wouldn’t expect someone who knowingly stays up late every Saturday night so much so that they sleep through half of church regularly, despite the fact it’s at 12:40, to be motivated with home teaching. But he was, and I’m glad.

- I did go home to my family today though, and I brought Marie over. We ended up around the piano for like an hour or two singing songs with half the family, and it was amazing. I am SOO blessed to have such a functional family and I am extremely and eternally grateful for it, I love showing them off haha.

- I was so happy on the way back to Orem I did my improv singing. I just make up a tune and sing the words I see on road signs as driving, and then fill in between to make it rhyme and stuff, it’s super fun.

Monday, February 28, 2011

- So I was up until like 3 AM talking to Marie Sunday night (yes this happens a lot, no we’re not even on kissing terms yet.) I swear I used to function better on low sleep than I do now… anyway, Monday I was totally out of it, I felt so useless at work haha. Anyway I came home and was parked in my traditional spot in the apartment, and Neal came in and was talking to me. About 10 minutes later he turned the lights on and I looked quickly left and right, I was genuinely confused at what was happening for a full second before I realized “oh, he turned the light on. Wow.”

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

- I had a thought, maybe Lib is such a hurried CAN and messes things up because he focuses on tasks and not objectives. IE: I can get out of the shower and he can dry me and I’ll still be wet in various places which I have to point out. I have a theory in his mind he’s thinking something like “now I need to rub the towel on his body” and so he does, and he’s done. Rather than thinking “now I need to make sure he’s dry”, which would cause one to check if I’m still wet after doing the towel. I didn’t explain that well…

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

- I had two awesome insights at Sister Terry’s institute class today. First, when I saw Marie this “first time again” she was so much more attractive to me and I couldn’t place it. I even brought it up and she (in all seriousness) said it’s because her hair is long now, it used to be short. I knew that wasn’t it but I couldn’t place it so I didn’t argue haha. I figured it out at institute though! We talked about “the light in their eyes”, how you can see someone’s confidence and purity in their eyes. And the more you have yourself the more you can discern in others. Whether I had more now and recognized it better in her, or she had more and so it was more apparent (my guess is it’s both) she definitely had that, and it was beautiful to me.

- The other thing we talked about at institute was that commons attract. If you want to marry a spiritual giant, be a spiritual giant! I realized me and Marie are on the same page spiritually too. Neither of us feel like spiritual giants, but we both have a genuine desire to become one, to be valiant.

- Hmm, what does the whole commons attract principle mean for people who aren’t progressing or making efforts?...

Thursday, March 03, 2011

- I started with Harmony health care (I had to switch since I’m not getting government aid anymore and they wouldn’t work with my old health care people) and I met my new CNA, Mike, today. He’s a bit better than Lib, but similarly quirky. Not the brightest, and talks a lot, also repeats himself a lot, also can’t talk and do anything at the same time…

- Haha a few times at work when my sight was getting blurry I started doing “eye exercises”. And I only have Marie to blame.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

- It seems like I go in 5 day phases of being thoughtful and then nothing. Also, playing WoW seems to put me in the non thoughtful state. Thus the limit haha. I’m going to start bringing my laptop to work so I have it with me to write afterwards too though so that should be good (remember I’m writing this on the 27th…)

- So as I was leaving my subdivision I saw a family in unfinished house taking pictures. I realized they’re always together with family, while this phase of my life is just peppered with family. We don’t ever really get the chance to go back, sad. WAIT! I’m moving home at the end of April! YES!!!

- I just had the thought I’m actually grateful I feel like I’m imposing when it comes to lifting my chair or carrying me into a house. If it ever gets to the point where I don’t feel like I’m imposing I’ll probably come across needy or demanding. I like feeling grateful when people assist me with things.

Monday, March 07, 2011

- So the whole 125ish minute drive to my job from my apartment has a slight incline to it, which is PERFECT! Because I’m usually more light headed in the morning than any other time, and reclining helps. So the incline helps my light headedness at the time I need it most in the right direction :).

- So I used to shiver for literally hours after showers, it’s usually not so bad anymore. But what upset me was today for some reason I felt fine after a shower until about 10:30, and THEN I got the shivers! What the crap? I’d either think I was cold the whole time, or I was warm the whole time, there was notging I did at work (to my knowledge) that would have brought out the cold an hour and a half into work, I was just in my cubicle! Oh well.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

- Mike isn’t the best listener… and despite me telling him YES bowel care Tuesday! He forgot, and I was late to work. I was kind of seething and a bit snappy which made me feel bad. Mostly I yelled at him in my mind on the way to work though, and then felt better, ahhh…

- My job is amazing! I was totally blessed! Not only do I enjoy the job, and get paid a lot, the people are awesome! It’s almost like it’s company policy when going to talk to someone on another team that you need to joke around for a minute before discussing business. AND! They even get my sense of humor! I asked my team lead why I needed to upload a future change on the server and set an alarm to implement it later, why don’t I just keep it on my computer? And he said “well, so say you broke your neck tomorrow…” AWESOME! Haha.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

- I’m a jerk. So I was getting dressed, and Mike asked “which shirt?” and I say “the green button up in the top right”, he goes “this one?” and grabs a black sleeve next to it. I say “no, the green button up”, he grabs a blue sleeve in the other side of it and says “this one?” I say “no, the green button up.” Finally he grabs the right on and asks “this one?” and I say “yes. Notice how it’s green.” Now, that was a kind of snippy thing to say, and I felt like a jerk, but I feel like color recognition is a reasonable thing to expect from any human being over age 8. All the same, I decided I need to lower my expectations of Mike’s intelligence and just be willing to repeat myself as many times as needed to make sure I’m taken care of right every morning. Luckily one thing he seems to get well is putting clothes on me in such a way that the shirts don’t end up bunched or twisted. That’s a big one, and hard to explain to people who don’t get it. So I can handle repeating simple instructions...

- “Times are changing.” “That’s what they do.” – Codex Alera book 6

Friday, March 11, 2011

- This is slightly terrible, but I’ve been progressively improving my expectations of physical in a relationship. Honestly I would absolutely love it if I had literally no drive to make out until I was married. That would be great, there’s really no need for it. also honestly I am not at that point… however I am very safely in the “no kissing just for fun” zone. And I realized something funny. I think I used to plan dates with the possibility of make-out time (even though it rarely happened) and I don’t anymore haha.

- It’s still slightly awkward to me that there’s a good amount of technical knowledge girls at work haha, but it’s cool.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

- ‎"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleyways, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose change."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

- “who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn’t seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity”

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

- I had Landon over and we had some good chats. A noteworthy insight I got out of it was about Micah. I mentioned the whole “doesn’t prioritize getting up for church but brings up home teaching” thing, and Landon was like “well that’s easy, Micah is still a good guy and wants the best for others. So something like home teaching is still important to him.” And he went on to say something along the lines that Micah just doesn’t think himself worth it or something, and so he (probably unconsciously…) sabotages things to improve himself. But he still tries to do his best for others.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

- I wonder if some of the less infatuation I have for Marie is because of the less physical? I hope not, I like having a clean conscience about all our interactions.

- Sooo... I was just eating a granola bar while reading a forum about an issue in my code, and then I looked at my hand and was like "AH! How did I get ink all over my finger!?" but it was chocolate. Good times.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

- Sometimes I do feel like an emotional wall. I wonder if I need to take less action to nullify emotional pain in order to experience more joy? I doubt it, I feel disappointment and pain and betrayal and what not, I just don’t dwell on it. And I feel joy still, anyway it was just a random thought.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

- Some mornings it’s more annoying to rely on someone else to get up than others. I asked Mike to come at 6:30, planning on being up by 7, and having 90 minutes of solitary meditation time, or time to call mechanic shops or doctors, just me time. He showed up at 7:10, and took 50 minutes (usually it takes 20) to get me up. Then at 8 he asked if he could putter and clean for a while cuz he couldn’t see his next patient until 9, and he talked at me the whole time. I was nice to him this time (I’m improving) but I was still seething inside haha. I think he picks up on it a little and tries to fix it by talking more, the problem is the talking is why I’m seething, so it’s like trying to get out of a hole by digging faster.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

- Drew Strunk got a job at my work, and it has been way fun. We talk on skype (IM, not audio calls) all day and do lunch half the time. He’s like 4 cubicles over. Good times J

- On that note, Kim at the front desk is working to get SRS to hire her an office assistant. I think it’d be so awesome if I could get Micah that job! He mentioned before office jobs are a type he likes. I mentioned it to him and he seemed to shoot down the idea, maybe it was just a bad day though… I’ll still get him the details once they get what they’re looking for put together.

- I made a financial excel spreadsheet. Factoring in all my fixed expenses like taxes, cell phone, insurance, tithing, 10% savings (which is basically profit), fast offering… etc. For variable expenses (food, gas, fun) I almost exclusively use my American Express card, and over the past 13 months it’s been an average of $550, so I decided I may average more like $700. Then, if I start paying $700/mo to Mom to pay off the remaining $3750 balance on my van, I’ll STILL have $300/mo left over. Very happy.

- Oh, so other dating. I’ve still felt a drive to date despite the fact Marie makes me so happy (which makes me feel bad, but it is what it is) so the last two weeks in a row I’ve taken Marie Bentley, Alicia Ingleby, and Jessica Martin on a date. They’ve all been great. Alicia doesn’t have many people to talk to and most of her friends have moved away so I think she mostly enjoys talking but there’s no romantic interest, she’s the hardest to read though. I usually text her a little during the day too (she responds like every 4 hours haha). Jessica I feel connected with and we have fun talking, but I don’t know if she’s romantically interested or just wants a close friend, she really wants to spend time together though, that’s genuine (Alicia I feel like I have to push a little to get her time). And Marie is amazing J Actually I know she’s going to read this, which is fine because almost everything on here we’ve already discussed haha.

- Oh! I got my recommend to receive my endowments! My bishop years ago told me I could receive them then if I really wanted, but I didn’t feel the drive. Honestly my understanding of it is that I’m making the same promises, but stronger. So I’ll be blessed better for valiance and be held more accountable for sin. Previously, I realized my make out expectations, while not blatently sinful, were less than valiant, and I didn’t want additional accountability for those actions. Now, I am genuinely striving and trying to be fully valiant, and I don’t ever want to regress if I can help it. So it seems like a great time to have additional blessings to help me stay on the path, and additional deterrents to motivate me not to turn back.

- Also! It’s time to get out of my apartment. I want to live with people who all go to church on time, who hold and fulfill their church callings, who dislike media which is unwholesome, who are striving to progress in work and school, who want to socialize and create an environment that’s inviting to others. And it’s just not working anymore here. Also I want to get away from this complex where there is a constant rotation of freshmen girls who don’t take dating seriously and just want to have fun. I’m graduated and working full time, I’m moving on to a different phase of life then girls just starting school, and over time I’ll relate to them less and less. I’ve loved my stay here, it’s been a great experience, but it’s time to get out.

That being said, CJ wants to move out with me and Bryan. That would be soooo awesome! He’s not ready financially yet though. Not like moving out is every financially the “best” decision. But the other great thing about moving out besides independence is the enhanced social which just doesn’t happen when living at home for some reason. CJ is fairly content socially though so he’s just not ready to move out yet. My contract expires in April though. As mentioned I need to get out of Parkway still, and I don’t want to move in with new/random people for just the Summer while waiting for CJ, so I might as well move home, it’s a great environment. I might end up there longer than the Summer too, but I’ll probably never have the chance to be around my family on a daily basis like this ever again. So it’ll be great, and worth it. We’ll probably try to do game nights or other social events anyway, which will still be a step up from the female social at my apartment. And since I work in Orem I can still take girls in this area out to dinner after work if I want to see them, so my association with people out here won’t die. I can even listen to a book on tape for the half-hour drive to and from work! it’ll be great.

- in conclusion, life is great. Spiritually it’s great, dating is great, social will be great, my home environment will be great, financially and vocationally it’s great, my body is having some unpredictable reactions but it’s manageable and thus great. Life is great and I’m totally blessed right now, for which I’m extremely grateful J.