Update 11-6-2011

So I wrote a letter to a missionary friend today, and I decided it was a good recap of life right now. So here's a big excerpt from it haha.

If I remember correctly, when last I wrote, I was working weekdays 9-5, attending the temple weekly, institute weekly, and I was single. I was also feeling pretty stagnant. I didn’t feel like I was progressing in any meaningful aspect of my life. No measurable learning, feeling of spiritual progression, or even hints of dating opportunities. It was pretty disheartening all around.

The past few months, so much has changed, yet nothing has changed haha. I still work weekdays 9-5, I still go to the temple weekly (a few times attending a session didn’t work out, so I studied in the parking lot for an hour, but I still went to the temple haha), I still attend institute, and I’m still single (although I had a girlfriend, story to follow). But I’ve had great outlook changing experiences with each of these categories.

My job is amazing. I was so blessed to stumble into this job. The people here are all just great, everyone cares about everyone, even the high ups care about the bottom people. In fact, I didn’t even realize some of the friendly guys I ran into and joked around in the halls with were big wigs until after the fact. Anyway, one evidence of how much the company cares about it’s employees is they pay for private career tutoring. They have us take a test which determines our strengths, and then do their best to provide opportunities for us to participate in tasks (or move to positions) which play to our strengths (which provides great job satisfaction by the way) and it’s just awesome. In a one on one career tutoring discussion I expressed my feeling of stagnancy and lack of growth, and she recommended I keep a “work journal” where just once a week or so I write down a few bullet points of things I learned in the past week. That way I can look at it and see some quantifiable growth. It has made a huge difference, I feel much better in this category now.

It didn’t stop there though, a few weeks after I started the journal, we had a meeting to announce a radical and exciting shift in the way we are going to develop stuff here. I can explain the concept to you if you’d like, but it sufficeth me to say it’s a method I’ve always wanted to try since I heard of it, but it was never feasible before. It’s a method that takes a huge overhaul in the company and so most development industries haven’t made the shift. But it will make it so rather than taking 6 months to get a new version of our software to our customers (like it takes now) we could do it daily if we want. For your gee-wiz collection, it’s modeled after the Facebook development model (which everyone thought was crazy at first, btw), not that Facebook ever amounted to anything… so yeah. Intellectual progression need totally being satisfied right now, and I’ll be getting leading edge experience with a company who is willing to invest in me until I learn it.

Spiritually I feel like I’m being a worthy valiant member, yet I still didn’t (don’t) feel very in tune with the spirit, and it kind of frustrated me *sheepish look*. It’s like I feel entitled to it. A big thing that hit me during conference though was towards the end, Elder Cornish said, “Don't be discouraged when you don't learn to be attuned to the spirit all at once. Like any foreign language it takes time and practice.” I was like, “oh, duh! It’s not like I can start being valiant and expect to be a spiritual powerhouse the following week!” and so I’ve been more patient. I’m still trying my best though. And even if I can’t tell if something is a prompting or not, I try to follow it anyway.

Dating… So for some reason I decided to try a online LDS dating site (I feel dumb admitting that for some reason, but oh well) and I met a few people and had a lot of fun conversations. I decided though that it was making me less happy with my singleness for some reason. It’s like when I felt lonely I’d go to the site hoping to be instantly gratified, but of course it didn’t work. Conference Sunday I decided to cancel my subscription. But I got on the website anyway and started chatting with someone new haha. She turned out to be super awesome and the conversation was really great. I’d been telling my brother Mason we’d play something that night though, so I reluctantly was trying to taper off the conversation. However, she had mentioned she loves playing games with her fam. So I said “well, if I was feeling extra creepy, I’d invite you to come play games with my fam. If you were my close friend though and you told me you were going to meet a guy you’d just found on the internet an hour before, I’d Probably discourage you.” To which she replied, “I grew up with four brothers, I think I can handle myself”. So she ended up coming over, and we had a fun time J. It was impressively brave of her too.

We talked a TON over the next four days, went out Thursday night, talked till midnight, and then Friday morning we decided to officially hook up. Yes, five days after meeting. Seems weird, but I know tons of people who hooked up that fast and are still married. I complain when dating isn’t going well, why should I hold back just because it was going TOO well? She didn’t have any red flags, I didn’t have any momentum with other girls I’d be losing, I couldn’t see any reason why not (besides my instinct to take it slow anyway…) it was actually great. We set down kissing boundaries right up front that made chastity danger a breeze, we got along great in general. I didn’t really have any emotional attachment to her though. No “spark” or “magic” or whatever you want to call it. I had this amazing lesson on revelation two weeksish after we got together, and I prayed about Tiffany the whole way home asking what I should do. I didn’t really get a “yes break up with her”, but for some reason the idea of listing myself as in a relationship with her on FB gave me anxiety haha. So as best I could guess that was the “stupor of thought” category. I’ve found that if I keep debating doing something I don’t want to do, it’s probably from the spirit. I didn’t want to break up but it kept coming up. And in my effort to follow the spirit in big things as well as small things I to the Lord “ok, I’m breaking up with her, hopefully this is the spirit, please stop me if I’m wrong!”

So we broke up, it was probably one of the smoothest break ups ever. Basically I told her how great she is but how I just don’t feel it and as best I can tell it’s a prompting, and I let her see how frustrated I was about the whole thing haha. And I was frustrated. I still hadn’t found any red flags, she was genuinely physically and intellectually attractive to me, I just didn’t have the emotional “magic”. It really bothered me that I found an eligible gear who would date me back that I still didn’t to keep just because of some magical feeling I can’t control. But luckily, since that was the truth, I could just convey that to her, and she didn’t feel like she wasn’t good enough or anything like that. Thus the smooth break up. I felt so much peace after going through with the break up, so I’m sure it was right, I’m just not excited to keep doing the singles thing haha.

Random Thoughts 22 (11/6/2011)

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

- It’s funny how much I (and many of my friends) avoid making plans with just guys when every time I hang out with guys it’s so socially fulfilling (saw Micah, Neal, Landon, and Andrew these last few days…)

- Brother Bartholomue taught apostasy wasn’t just not knowing the truth, it’s acting against the truth. It’s not that the early church lost the truth, it’s that they had it and chose not to follow it. Are we any better? Apostasy against covenants, priesthood, ordinances, and the temple?

- Our generation seems content to “know” the truth or “know” the answers to gospel questions. But we hate it when we have to do stuff. Fulfilling a calling, doing home teaching, attending the temple. Am I in a state of apostasy?

Thursday, September 08, 2011

- I think for such girls immodesty is like swearing. They realize it's inappropriate but they do it anyway because they don't think it's a big deal. I'd argue immodesty is a much bigger deal than swearing though...

- So I’m loving working out, it does just make you feel good. Also, I love that the person I worked with this time said “watching you work out is like an anatomy lesson, you can see every little muscle!”

Friday, September 09, 2011

- So I’m working with code that sends texts, and every time I get a text I get all excited until I’m like “Dangit!! It’s me again!”

Monday, September 12, 2011

- I had a dream last night I was on a bus with Will Smith, and they were going to film new fresh prince of belair episodes, and he wanted me to audition…

- So I was driving on the freeway this morning, lost in my thoughts, and I realized I hadn't seen any construction in like 15 minutes. For a minute there I was worried I was driving entirely the wrong direction. "No construction!? This can't be Utah County!"

Thursday, September 15, 2011

- It’s really embarrassing showing up in the same outfit as someone else, right? This is why I’m never going to a nude beach.

- This is when I wrote my Neuroworx note below.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

- I had enough upright tolerance to “go for a walk” around the neighborhood in my manual chair today. I’ve like, never ever done that before. I was always so light headed it was an option, and then the idea never occurred to me to do so after I got more stable. It was fun.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

- I may have made this observation before… But I think it’s interesting that in the Book of Mormon the enemies of the church tended to try to convince people there’s no Christ, but they still had a religion, or the Law of Moses. But nowadays Satan seems to be going for convincing people there’s no God, or need for religion altogether.

Friday, September 23, 2011

- So I was feeling pretty smug about the supposed amount I’ve accomplished despite being in a wheelchair. However, I haven’t done anything cool for a wheelchair, basically I just continued to do normal things (drive, graduate from college) despite my wheelchair. I haven’t done anything difficult to do specifically because I’m in a wheelchair. Neuroworx has been interesting…

- I don’t think I ever mentioned, back when we went to Lake Powell, we listened to Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card. And not only did his super interesting boo make the seven hour drive there and back super easy for me to stay awake through (I never dozed either way) but! He saved us $5000! When we got to the lake it was like 11:00, and we started undocking the boat, but we wanted to finish our chapter first, so we delayed like five minutes. In that five minutes, a ranger came up and told us if we got in the water now I’d be a $5000 fine! If we hadn’t delayed to listen, we would have been in the water already!

- So dating 18 year olds is weird. But that’s the main audience that seems available. And my dad married my mom when she was that young and he was 27. Sometimes I wonder if I need to date an amazing but still immature young girl and train her up haha.

- I’m feeling like I don’t have enough listeners in my life at the moment, everyone wants to talk at me but few want to listen after they’re done lately. I’m feeling a bit selfish because of it haha, oh well.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

- Mason posed a brilliant question during scripture study yesterday. If we have to be transfigured to be in the presence of Christ, will everyone be transfigured at the second coming? I have two theories. #1 we know that even many members will not know the second coming has taken place. I think people tend to think of the second coming as some unexplained explosion of fire with Him at the center. No, He will probably come somewhere silently, and only those in His presence need to be transfigured. #2, he appeared to Mary and the Apostles after being resurrected right? Apparently He can appear without having to be in a glory that needs transfiguring.

- For someone who claims to be able to do anything he sets his mind to, I sure can be lazy.

Monday, September 26, 2011

- I feel.. .attachment numb today?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

- I’ve decided I’m definitely not a workaholic, nor a playaholic. But it’s harder to find balance than it is to just overindulge in one! Haha.

- The only thing as crappy as no free time is too much free time.

- I’m like a Brandon Sanderson missionary. I go around trying to give people his books, while promising if they read one they’ll develop a testimony of its awesomeness for themselves.

Monday, October 03, 2011

- UGHH! It’s so hard to tell the difference between personal fear/insecurities vs promptings haha.

- I said something in a text today that I regret bringing after I sent it. But somehow, they didn’t get that message. Divine malfunction?...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

- The Hunger Game is the reading equivalent of a song with a catchy beat but disgusting lyrics. (it’s a well told story, but a terrible story to tell.)

- Funny how many things take time. It's clear as a general rule humankind must be really terrible at learning patience haha.

Friday, October 14, 2011

- Elder Uchtdorf hit it right on the head when he talked about people focusing so much on the golden ticket that they forget to enjoy the candy bar. Getting married is definitely my proverbial golden ticket sometimes. “The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy.”

Saturday, October 22, 2011

- “When Dad grows up he wants to be like Gambit” – Mom, after Dad caught a mouse with a bucket and peanut butter.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

- I realize that I sleep much better when breathing through my mouth. Anytime I get a real good sleep I wake up with a dry mouth which I hate, but it’s worth it. I wish I could actively breath through my mouth to fall asleep but it just doesn’t work. My mouth is not at rest while partially open, so I have to consciously focus on keeping it open. And feeling the dryness set in while awake bugs. Darn.

- I just realized how grateful I am that even though I can’t use the muscles in my fingers, I still have feeling in them; Partuclarly the index finger and thumb. I was holding a yogurt and eating it with a spoon and thinking about how precariously balanced both the yogurt cup and the front loaded spoon were in my limp fingers. But I could tell they were stable (enough) because how the pressure was allocated in my fingers. This would be a lot harder in absence of that feeling haha.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

- Yesterday was an awesome 12 hour day at work (which never happens btw, meaning I never have to work late). Everyone was getting stressed. So, naturally, I got really hyper and boisterous.

Friday, November 04, 2011

- So I read the first two chapters of Alloy of Law today, and then when heading to my car I spit on the driveway and almost got it on myself. My first thought was “that was dangerous” but then I was like “dangerous? I must lead an interesting life if getting a little spit on me is ‘dangerous’.”