Friday,
April 06, 2012
- It’s fun
to see things I experienced in my WoW raiding days mirrored in the work place.
Today, someone at work pulled me into a “chat channel” (skype convo) of the
cool kids (some guys in tech ops). The social structure in the chat channel is
just like guild chat with a big guild.
Saturday,
April 07, 2012
- I
frequently type ‘my’ when I mean to say ‘me’, weird.
Tuesday,
April 10, 2012
- lol, “I’m
not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes to
thinking!”
Wednesday,
April 11, 2012
- I didn’t
realize I was still relying on my interactions with Audrey to provide some feel
of relationship type fulfillment. She has a boy now though (albeit one in
Provo) and she doesn’t treat me the same. I think I was expecting that
fulfillment but didn’t realize where I was getting it from before, as well as I
didn’t realize it’s been gone. She didn’t do anything wrong, but I think that
expectation was why I’ve been extra grumpy/lonely lately. After consciously
recognizing this today though I imagine I’ll be able to expel it by dropping
the expectation.
- I think
it’s fair to say gospel answer that isn’t explicitly stated in the scriptures
or by the prophets is received through the spirit.
- So along
with my Audrey realization today, she used to tell me about everything. I
caught a snippet of her journal (she’s told me various times I can read it
anytime :P) and it’s clear there’s tons she doesn’t tell me anymore. It was a
dating thing I glanced and I can understand why she wouldn’t tell me about
dating stuff, but it made me wonder, should I try to re-open the channel of
communication? Is that a good idea? Or part of the needed distance if we’re to
ever have a chance? I think if I’m looking for the aforementioned relationship
fulfillment from it, it’s definitely a bad idea right now, and I’ll only find
disappointment. But if it’s truly as a friend it’s probably ok. But I can’t
decide if it’s “ok” or dangerous and just puts me in a circumstance that I can
learn things that make me unnecessarily jealous or keep my singleness more in
my face than necessary. I guess if there’s any worry I should leave it be.
- Don’t go
for hugs with people who just give half second brushes. They’re less satisfying
than no hug at all.
- At
conference I came with the question “can I get out of my wheelchair anytime
soon?” I didn’t feel I received an answer. We listened to a talk by Elder Scott
again today at institute though, and he said something along the lines of “if
you don’t feel an answer, try to reflect on previous times when you might have
already received an answer.” I have definitely felt peace that this is where
I’m meant to be in the past. It’s been 7 years and I wouldn’t mind leaving this
trial behind and regaining the independence and mobility of a fully functional
body. I was thinking maybe it’s been long enough, or maybe it will just take
enough direct effort and faith, but overall I think the original still stands.
It’s not my preference but I can accept it still :).
- Elder
Scott’s revelation formula. Fast, pray to find scriptures which will guide him
to an answer, then ponder. (may repeat read/ponder steps :) )
- He also
mentions physical health can be tied to our ability to receive revelation. I
know when I’m wicked tired (hah! Wicked…) I certainly am not in a prompting
friendly mode. I wonder if my consistent bladder problems are part of my
spiritual retardedness.
- “When you
write down your promptings, it’s saying thank you to Heavenly Father”. It
doesn’t always have to be a new prompting you’re writing, remember the 7 times
rule!
Friday, April
13, 2012
- A work day
so crazy you end up eating corn dogs from the break room fridge with BBQ sauce
just to survive!? Bring it on.
Sunday,
April 15, 2012
- I feel
like my life is on pause and I’m waiting for someone to hit resume, so part of
my just wants to kill time until it passes. But I have no idea what I’m waiting
on. Maybe this is the new normal, and I just need to get used to it and move
forward
- “pray
alone, aloud, and a lot.”
- So I’m
pretty sure in various previous posts I’ve written down good questions to
ponder, but then never came up with an actual answer. I decided I’ll try to go
back and answer some of them. The first one I found is “When’s the last time
you REALLY sat and thought about how you want to be remembered, or how you want
people to see you? When’s the last time you wrote it down?” This is appropriate
timing since I’m going to die tomorrow as result of a long chain of events
begun by putting my shoes on the wrong feet. But that’s a tangent.
Coincidentally, my cousin Celeste Poll’s funeral was yesterday. She passed away
earlier in the week from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So how people do/will remember
her was discussed a good amount. Mostly they talked about how pleasant she was
to be around even when she was going through trials, her goofy sense of humor,
and how sure they were she was living right. If I’m only remembered as the same
three things, I’ll be totally happy. I’d like to add “a great father” to the
list too. I’d like to have a more powerful testimony than I do now. People seem
to believe I’m perfect as is, so with
any luck that means I do have a strong enough testimony and I’m just too hard
on myself. I don’t really care if anyone remembers any vocational contributions
I made. Yeah, I guess I could sum it up in “A righteous husband and father, and
a person you walk away from feeling happier than before.”
- A good
thing to do at sacrament meeting, commit “Father, into thy hands I commit my
thoughts, words, and actions.”
- So it’s
funny how attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Someone you find
attractive following you around and wanting attention is cute, someone you
don’t find attractive doing the same things is being a creeper.
- Similar
note, I sat next to a cute girl in our ward named Elza, I doubt we’re a dating
couple (always a great thing to be wrong about) but it means I often flirt with
her shamelessly lol, which is more fun. Anyway half a sacrament I debated
scratching her back. Because I love giving back scratches, and it keeps me
awake haha, and she was leaning forward. I was afraid she (or anyone who
noticed) would read too much into it, so I decided not to. Later in Sunday
school, Brittany toldme I can playwith her hair haha, I DEFINITELY feel like
she might read more into it. Funny how different interactions with people can
be.
- While home
teaching Kathryn, she mentioned a cool idea she heard once. Pick a trivial
thing per day and think, “how would a holy person do this?”
Monday,
April 16, 2012
- Reading my
patriarchal blessing… It mentions being a teacher, which I remember, but
something that I didn’t notice was it mentions counseling those in need. I
didn’t realize this was in my blessing, but I definitely often find myself
trying to help counsel others, I love it actually haha. Mostly dating advice, which
is funny seeing as I’m still single myself… Most often relationship advice actually
(dating or no).
- Lol, “Okay,
I did some statistical thinking tonight and realized something. Did you know
that if everyone who uses Facebook were laid end to end around the world, three
quarters of them would drown?”
Wednesday,
April 18, 2012
- Haha in
institute the teacher was talking about “the light in their eyes” and he asked
us to give examples of people w know like that, and I wanted to say “I’m taking
one out Saturday!” but I figured no one would know who I was talking about
haha.
- If you
could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? The atonement does
this! For me, I’d be more service oriented…
- The desire
to make an ambiguous post about an undesirable emotion you are experiencing but
don't feel like explaining to anyone can be quite strong sometimes.
Thursday,
April 19, 2012
- Amazing
how fast a bad picture or terrible post from a facebook friend can chase out
the spirit and distract my thoughts for an hour.
- In a
meeting at work someone shared their screen and it was solid white, and someone
said “all we can see is a bunch of polar bears eating marshmellows in a snow
storm.” lol
- So we went
and saw Mirror Mirror as a family tonight, worth it. But afterwards was a surprise
birthday party for Monica Ripplinger. Her house is just through a gate next to
the South Jordan Middle elementary. We went over early so we could get my
manual chair inside before she arrived at 8:30. I parked my van in the SoJo
middle parking lot, only car there, and we got my manual chair and went through
the gate. None of us (me, CJ, and Bryan) had ever been in the back before, and
all the lights were off, so we went to the side and CJ hopped the big rickety fence
to check the house number. On his way back over to our side of the fence Bryan
was like “hey! There are people co- Holy crap it’s Monica and Josh!!” So he
hurried and pulled me around the side, and dropped off the loud fence, and we
giggles as silently as possible for like 5 minutes straight while waiting for
them to leave. I can’t believe they didn’t see us. They saw my van, and I even
leave tire tracks in the grass. Had they come around the side, they would have
found me and Bryan sitting casually on the side of her house, next to the
circuit breaker and gas valve. No big deal. CJ checked the invitation text
again after they left, turns out the party was at Kelly’s house. WHOOPS! We
went over and it was a totally blast :D.
Friday,
April 20, 2012
- I really
like long hair on a girl. End story.
- I enjoy
that I have it so the UY team will all banter with me. For example
Bruno: Let
me ask Nicolas, what you are saying makes sense
Corby: of
course, I always make sense
Bruno: No,
not always, but now you are
Corby:
truth... hurts...
Saturday,
April 21, 2012
- Today’s my
one year endowment anniversary!
- Also, I
had a great date with Alicia tonight. I took her out once a few weeks ago but I
felt bland. We had a good conversation at dinner, but I didn’t feel like I was
any fun. This time, we did dinner, and I was the me I like to be (which I
believe is fun). Then we came back and played Blockus with Steph and Grant,
then just talked and goofed off until midnight. It was fun :). Mostly I’m glad
I got to be the me I like to be. I feel like if I take out a girl a few times,
and I’m bland all those times. If finally I’m the fun version of me around
them, they’ll be like “where did this come from? Weird…” But now been my
favorite me once around her, it’ll be more natural for me to do so in the
future. Yay :)
- I think
one thing that helped my successful date was stopping video games with the guys
at 6:00, even though I wasn’t picking up Alicia until 7:30. Video games tend to
dull my non-gaming social skills/motivation. Having a break where I went back
to non-gaming social (Steph was upstairs to talk to :) ) before leaving was
probably helpful :).
- Oh! I also
taught Grant “attack cat petting”. Charie, when she pets the cat, goes nuts and
rubs him at rapid speed and shoves him around. It seems counter-intuitive, we
tend to assume we should be gentle or Gambit will get bugged and leave, but he
LOVES it. Grant would rub both sides of Gambits body rapidly and Gambit would
stick his but as high as possible, and bring his face super close to the floor,
and take little steps like he was trying to get away but couldn’t. But then
when Grant stops Gambit immediately turns around and meows for more, it’s
hilarious to watch.
Sunday,
April 22, 2012
- I need to
get independent again somehow, and soon. So I brainstormed this list of things
to try…
Call
grant/Barry and ask how they survive in a wheelchair.
Call nursing
agency and find out of pocket costs.
Can I get
back on Cigna? Since I had it?
Post on
wheelchair forum, asking what others do.
Search for
home health friendly insurance.
- I haven’t
got around to the above list because the current book of the quarter is a web
development self training kit which gets you a Microsoft certification.
Awesome! So I’ve been doing self imposed homework lately haha. Life has been
good :)
