Random Thoughts 23 (12/4/2011)

Sunday, November 06, 2011

- Maybe the only difference between times you were confident with your spiritual attunement and now is your attitude? Right now you wonder if it’s a prompting, but before you’d just go with it?

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

- “It's kind of a weird world we live in, where being anti almost anything is a horrible taboo, but being anti-religion is so acceptable it's almost popular.” – Micah

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

- “I respect "I don't know" far more than a made-up answer. The former represents honesty, the latter...cowardice” – A tweet I saw

Thursday, November 24, 2011

- I tend to code with the expectation my code shouldn’t get any longer for some reason. I like to keep it as small as possible… But really you generally can’t add a new feature without adding new classes/methods/variables…

Friday, November 25, 2011

- So I went on a date tonight with a friend I haven’t seen in like a year or more. When we came out of California Pizza kitchen we found some douche with a rich car had parked on the lines on the handicap space next to my van, so I had to have my date back my van up so I could get in. I guess I didn’t explain it very well, because she put in the brake, put it in reverse, let it idle out, and then tried putting it back in park without braking. Needless to say, that didn’t work. However, the moment where I’m yelling “forward! Push the lever forward!” the van made impact, came to a sudden stop, and I see my date fly backwards in my van was absolutely priceless. The look on her face when she got back up was equally so. Luckily there was a pole right behind the parking space, so we didn’t hit a car. And the pole had a big cement square around it, so it was mostly just tire impact. Could have been a few thousand dollars worse, rather than just a good story. Ahhh…

Sunday, November 27, 2011

- Talking to someone during a decision making period is almost more interesting than the actual decision...

- An alarm clock app that makes you do simple math in order to stop/snooze the alarm? BRILLLIANT!

Monday, November 28, 2011

- Memo to self, don’t bite the nail you used an hour ago to poke around in your ear. Regrets follow.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

- I like the way this scripture is phrase, Helaman 4:23 “…and the judgments of

God did stare them in the face.” In the FACE! haha.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

- Ok, so a lot of these next few random thoughts I had any time over the last while. I wrote them in my phone to transfer here later. It’s now later.

- I saw a pic of a paper taped up in a bathroom that said “Warning: objects in mirror may be distorted be societal standards of ‘beauty’.” SO dead on! Definitely a sign in a girls bathroom. I find that girls tend to believe the grungiest version of themselves is what they “really look like” but the most beautiful read-for-church version of other girls is what those girls “really look like”, and when comparing the two they always feel not good enough. It makes me sad. It also makes me glad I’m a guy haha.

- For being someone who genuinely wants to make sure everyone feels comfortable, I am really bad at making people who are particularly different from me feel comfortable. I mean, I was the home teacher of a girl 19 year old girl who had a 4 year old and was just starting to get away from drugs. And I could get her to come to the activities, but if it was just the two of us talking I don’t feel like I made her feel like she had a friend in me. Someone she could trust yes, but not someone she could hang out with. I was very grateful for other ward members who did fill the role as friend when she’d show up. But I still feel a little bad I don’t seem to be able to be friends with everyone. If there’s nothing in common I just don’t know how to make the interaction enjoyable :/

- I need to find ways to serve. I feel I have a self sustaining testimony, but I should pray for a testimony strong enough to share.

- I’ve found my over the top flirtation is not always a good tactic for confident girls. I mean, I mean my over the top as a joke. My favorite reaction is when I give this ridiculously over exaggerated compliment and the girl calls me a dork or something haha. With non-confident girls the flattery works even if they now it’s cheesy. If it’s a confident girl that doesn’t recognize it as a joke though, it seems a big turn off for them, it makes me look desperate methinks. Oops.

- “Whether you get a goose egg or golden egg depends on the chick you choose.”

- I seem to think I need to respond to super enthusiastic girls with as much enthusiasm as they show me. Why? Is it possible I could have a great relationship with a girl who likes to jump around and “just dance” even if I don’t like too? Generally I assume “a girl like that wants someone to bounce around with them, and I’m not like that, thus she’d be dissatisfied with me”. Anyone who knows me knows I can be hyper and wild, but the dance party style wild is just awkward for me haha. Even pre-chair, I never enjoyed it :/

- So I did almost nothing yesterday. Just video games with Josh and Micah, then CJ then CJ Mason Bryan haha. It’s funny though because when I was going to quit at 6ish CJ came out and was like “I finished my homework! I get to play!” and it’s like I felt obligated to play with him (even if watching. It makes the game more fun for both people). I didn’t notice until the end of the day that I felt that way though, because I wanted to join anyway haha. I had the thought though. If Jason had come back right as I was getting off, and wanted me to play with him, and he had been productive all day, I probably would have shrugged him off and did what I felt anyway haha.

- Went on a date with an amazing driven smart beautiful but 18 year old girl Friday haha. I met her because I was asked to speak in an institute class by a lady in my family ward. The girl I ended up taking out struck me as super cute there, and I didn’t get her number on the way out. But the next day I called my institute teacher and asked what the girls name was and if I could have her number haha. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so bold. Thinking about asking her out just didn’t make me as nervous as asking girls out usually makes me though. She’s a perfect example of the super enthusiastic personality I described above, so my knee jerk assumption is it’s not a high dating probability. My only counter evidence is how not worried I felt about asking her out…

But anyway the real point of this post is in talking to her, and seeing how motivated she is and such and what she’s doing, and then trying to answer questions about what I’m doing, reminded me how stagnant I am. More importantly how I’ve been playing small. I mean, I am content now at my current level of stagnant (which is dangerous :P) but I finally admitted to myself that night that there are all sorts of goals I’m unwilling to make because I think I know much trouble it will be with my limitations. For all my talk of moving forward with faith, it seems I’ve really selected a small amount of categories I’m willing to wade into without guaranteed success chances (Ie: dating) but there are many I don’t want to do because I think I’ve got it all figured out and so I don’t want to act unless I can set up the perfect circumstances (Ie: moving out.) I need to sit down and think, “what goals if nothing held you back?” and then find ways to make them work anyway. Like a road trip, or moving out. Lol even thinking about these now, the problem for me is that the solution to these things is just imposing on people, and I don’t like to impose if I don’t have to. Either way, I’ve become more complacent in my chair the more I think I’ve got it figured out, and I should shift back into “I can do anything I put my mind to”. Well, I mean I still believe that, it’s just there seems to be a growing set of stuff I believe I can do if I wanted, but the effort doesn’t seem worth the gain. So I don’t know exactly what should shift, I just feel like something should.

- Temple miles! I didn’t post these the last time it looks like, so these are all the weeks since July 28 haha. I’ve still gone every week by the way. I think twice I was sick and only spent 90 mins studying in the parking lot rather than going IN the temple. But that still counts as going to the temple that week in my book. Anyway 332.2, 594.2, 961.3, 202.1, 574.9, 455.5, 435.3, 402.2 (made it due to date bail!), 614.2, 520.7, 474.1, 448.3, 479.2, 611.9, 516.7, 245.3, and 255.9. (note I text myself this number, and then pull them off my archived text history in Gmail, but it’s got the dates too if I ever want them…)

Update 11-6-2011

So I wrote a letter to a missionary friend today, and I decided it was a good recap of life right now. So here's a big excerpt from it haha.

If I remember correctly, when last I wrote, I was working weekdays 9-5, attending the temple weekly, institute weekly, and I was single. I was also feeling pretty stagnant. I didn’t feel like I was progressing in any meaningful aspect of my life. No measurable learning, feeling of spiritual progression, or even hints of dating opportunities. It was pretty disheartening all around.

The past few months, so much has changed, yet nothing has changed haha. I still work weekdays 9-5, I still go to the temple weekly (a few times attending a session didn’t work out, so I studied in the parking lot for an hour, but I still went to the temple haha), I still attend institute, and I’m still single (although I had a girlfriend, story to follow). But I’ve had great outlook changing experiences with each of these categories.

My job is amazing. I was so blessed to stumble into this job. The people here are all just great, everyone cares about everyone, even the high ups care about the bottom people. In fact, I didn’t even realize some of the friendly guys I ran into and joked around in the halls with were big wigs until after the fact. Anyway, one evidence of how much the company cares about it’s employees is they pay for private career tutoring. They have us take a test which determines our strengths, and then do their best to provide opportunities for us to participate in tasks (or move to positions) which play to our strengths (which provides great job satisfaction by the way) and it’s just awesome. In a one on one career tutoring discussion I expressed my feeling of stagnancy and lack of growth, and she recommended I keep a “work journal” where just once a week or so I write down a few bullet points of things I learned in the past week. That way I can look at it and see some quantifiable growth. It has made a huge difference, I feel much better in this category now.

It didn’t stop there though, a few weeks after I started the journal, we had a meeting to announce a radical and exciting shift in the way we are going to develop stuff here. I can explain the concept to you if you’d like, but it sufficeth me to say it’s a method I’ve always wanted to try since I heard of it, but it was never feasible before. It’s a method that takes a huge overhaul in the company and so most development industries haven’t made the shift. But it will make it so rather than taking 6 months to get a new version of our software to our customers (like it takes now) we could do it daily if we want. For your gee-wiz collection, it’s modeled after the Facebook development model (which everyone thought was crazy at first, btw), not that Facebook ever amounted to anything… so yeah. Intellectual progression need totally being satisfied right now, and I’ll be getting leading edge experience with a company who is willing to invest in me until I learn it.

Spiritually I feel like I’m being a worthy valiant member, yet I still didn’t (don’t) feel very in tune with the spirit, and it kind of frustrated me *sheepish look*. It’s like I feel entitled to it. A big thing that hit me during conference though was towards the end, Elder Cornish said, “Don't be discouraged when you don't learn to be attuned to the spirit all at once. Like any foreign language it takes time and practice.” I was like, “oh, duh! It’s not like I can start being valiant and expect to be a spiritual powerhouse the following week!” and so I’ve been more patient. I’m still trying my best though. And even if I can’t tell if something is a prompting or not, I try to follow it anyway.

Dating… So for some reason I decided to try a online LDS dating site (I feel dumb admitting that for some reason, but oh well) and I met a few people and had a lot of fun conversations. I decided though that it was making me less happy with my singleness for some reason. It’s like when I felt lonely I’d go to the site hoping to be instantly gratified, but of course it didn’t work. Conference Sunday I decided to cancel my subscription. But I got on the website anyway and started chatting with someone new haha. She turned out to be super awesome and the conversation was really great. I’d been telling my brother Mason we’d play something that night though, so I reluctantly was trying to taper off the conversation. However, she had mentioned she loves playing games with her fam. So I said “well, if I was feeling extra creepy, I’d invite you to come play games with my fam. If you were my close friend though and you told me you were going to meet a guy you’d just found on the internet an hour before, I’d Probably discourage you.” To which she replied, “I grew up with four brothers, I think I can handle myself”. So she ended up coming over, and we had a fun time J. It was impressively brave of her too.

We talked a TON over the next four days, went out Thursday night, talked till midnight, and then Friday morning we decided to officially hook up. Yes, five days after meeting. Seems weird, but I know tons of people who hooked up that fast and are still married. I complain when dating isn’t going well, why should I hold back just because it was going TOO well? She didn’t have any red flags, I didn’t have any momentum with other girls I’d be losing, I couldn’t see any reason why not (besides my instinct to take it slow anyway…) it was actually great. We set down kissing boundaries right up front that made chastity danger a breeze, we got along great in general. I didn’t really have any emotional attachment to her though. No “spark” or “magic” or whatever you want to call it. I had this amazing lesson on revelation two weeksish after we got together, and I prayed about Tiffany the whole way home asking what I should do. I didn’t really get a “yes break up with her”, but for some reason the idea of listing myself as in a relationship with her on FB gave me anxiety haha. So as best I could guess that was the “stupor of thought” category. I’ve found that if I keep debating doing something I don’t want to do, it’s probably from the spirit. I didn’t want to break up but it kept coming up. And in my effort to follow the spirit in big things as well as small things I to the Lord “ok, I’m breaking up with her, hopefully this is the spirit, please stop me if I’m wrong!”

So we broke up, it was probably one of the smoothest break ups ever. Basically I told her how great she is but how I just don’t feel it and as best I can tell it’s a prompting, and I let her see how frustrated I was about the whole thing haha. And I was frustrated. I still hadn’t found any red flags, she was genuinely physically and intellectually attractive to me, I just didn’t have the emotional “magic”. It really bothered me that I found an eligible gear who would date me back that I still didn’t to keep just because of some magical feeling I can’t control. But luckily, since that was the truth, I could just convey that to her, and she didn’t feel like she wasn’t good enough or anything like that. Thus the smooth break up. I felt so much peace after going through with the break up, so I’m sure it was right, I’m just not excited to keep doing the singles thing haha.

Random Thoughts 22 (11/6/2011)

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

- It’s funny how much I (and many of my friends) avoid making plans with just guys when every time I hang out with guys it’s so socially fulfilling (saw Micah, Neal, Landon, and Andrew these last few days…)

- Brother Bartholomue taught apostasy wasn’t just not knowing the truth, it’s acting against the truth. It’s not that the early church lost the truth, it’s that they had it and chose not to follow it. Are we any better? Apostasy against covenants, priesthood, ordinances, and the temple?

- Our generation seems content to “know” the truth or “know” the answers to gospel questions. But we hate it when we have to do stuff. Fulfilling a calling, doing home teaching, attending the temple. Am I in a state of apostasy?

Thursday, September 08, 2011

- I think for such girls immodesty is like swearing. They realize it's inappropriate but they do it anyway because they don't think it's a big deal. I'd argue immodesty is a much bigger deal than swearing though...

- So I’m loving working out, it does just make you feel good. Also, I love that the person I worked with this time said “watching you work out is like an anatomy lesson, you can see every little muscle!”

Friday, September 09, 2011

- So I’m working with code that sends texts, and every time I get a text I get all excited until I’m like “Dangit!! It’s me again!”

Monday, September 12, 2011

- I had a dream last night I was on a bus with Will Smith, and they were going to film new fresh prince of belair episodes, and he wanted me to audition…

- So I was driving on the freeway this morning, lost in my thoughts, and I realized I hadn't seen any construction in like 15 minutes. For a minute there I was worried I was driving entirely the wrong direction. "No construction!? This can't be Utah County!"

Thursday, September 15, 2011

- It’s really embarrassing showing up in the same outfit as someone else, right? This is why I’m never going to a nude beach.

- This is when I wrote my Neuroworx note below.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

- I had enough upright tolerance to “go for a walk” around the neighborhood in my manual chair today. I’ve like, never ever done that before. I was always so light headed it was an option, and then the idea never occurred to me to do so after I got more stable. It was fun.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

- I may have made this observation before… But I think it’s interesting that in the Book of Mormon the enemies of the church tended to try to convince people there’s no Christ, but they still had a religion, or the Law of Moses. But nowadays Satan seems to be going for convincing people there’s no God, or need for religion altogether.

Friday, September 23, 2011

- So I was feeling pretty smug about the supposed amount I’ve accomplished despite being in a wheelchair. However, I haven’t done anything cool for a wheelchair, basically I just continued to do normal things (drive, graduate from college) despite my wheelchair. I haven’t done anything difficult to do specifically because I’m in a wheelchair. Neuroworx has been interesting…

- I don’t think I ever mentioned, back when we went to Lake Powell, we listened to Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card. And not only did his super interesting boo make the seven hour drive there and back super easy for me to stay awake through (I never dozed either way) but! He saved us $5000! When we got to the lake it was like 11:00, and we started undocking the boat, but we wanted to finish our chapter first, so we delayed like five minutes. In that five minutes, a ranger came up and told us if we got in the water now I’d be a $5000 fine! If we hadn’t delayed to listen, we would have been in the water already!

- So dating 18 year olds is weird. But that’s the main audience that seems available. And my dad married my mom when she was that young and he was 27. Sometimes I wonder if I need to date an amazing but still immature young girl and train her up haha.

- I’m feeling like I don’t have enough listeners in my life at the moment, everyone wants to talk at me but few want to listen after they’re done lately. I’m feeling a bit selfish because of it haha, oh well.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

- Mason posed a brilliant question during scripture study yesterday. If we have to be transfigured to be in the presence of Christ, will everyone be transfigured at the second coming? I have two theories. #1 we know that even many members will not know the second coming has taken place. I think people tend to think of the second coming as some unexplained explosion of fire with Him at the center. No, He will probably come somewhere silently, and only those in His presence need to be transfigured. #2, he appeared to Mary and the Apostles after being resurrected right? Apparently He can appear without having to be in a glory that needs transfiguring.

- For someone who claims to be able to do anything he sets his mind to, I sure can be lazy.

Monday, September 26, 2011

- I feel.. .attachment numb today?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

- I’ve decided I’m definitely not a workaholic, nor a playaholic. But it’s harder to find balance than it is to just overindulge in one! Haha.

- The only thing as crappy as no free time is too much free time.

- I’m like a Brandon Sanderson missionary. I go around trying to give people his books, while promising if they read one they’ll develop a testimony of its awesomeness for themselves.

Monday, October 03, 2011

- UGHH! It’s so hard to tell the difference between personal fear/insecurities vs promptings haha.

- I said something in a text today that I regret bringing after I sent it. But somehow, they didn’t get that message. Divine malfunction?...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

- The Hunger Game is the reading equivalent of a song with a catchy beat but disgusting lyrics. (it’s a well told story, but a terrible story to tell.)

- Funny how many things take time. It's clear as a general rule humankind must be really terrible at learning patience haha.

Friday, October 14, 2011

- Elder Uchtdorf hit it right on the head when he talked about people focusing so much on the golden ticket that they forget to enjoy the candy bar. Getting married is definitely my proverbial golden ticket sometimes. “The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy.”

Saturday, October 22, 2011

- “When Dad grows up he wants to be like Gambit” – Mom, after Dad caught a mouse with a bucket and peanut butter.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

- I realize that I sleep much better when breathing through my mouth. Anytime I get a real good sleep I wake up with a dry mouth which I hate, but it’s worth it. I wish I could actively breath through my mouth to fall asleep but it just doesn’t work. My mouth is not at rest while partially open, so I have to consciously focus on keeping it open. And feeling the dryness set in while awake bugs. Darn.

- I just realized how grateful I am that even though I can’t use the muscles in my fingers, I still have feeling in them; Partuclarly the index finger and thumb. I was holding a yogurt and eating it with a spoon and thinking about how precariously balanced both the yogurt cup and the front loaded spoon were in my limp fingers. But I could tell they were stable (enough) because how the pressure was allocated in my fingers. This would be a lot harder in absence of that feeling haha.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

- Yesterday was an awesome 12 hour day at work (which never happens btw, meaning I never have to work late). Everyone was getting stressed. So, naturally, I got really hyper and boisterous.

Friday, November 04, 2011

- So I read the first two chapters of Alloy of Law today, and then when heading to my car I spit on the driveway and almost got it on myself. My first thought was “that was dangerous” but then I was like “dangerous? I must lead an interesting life if getting a little spit on me is ‘dangerous’.”

Neuroworx

What a day! Well so I went to Neuroworx for my weekly work out. I mostly am working out posterior shoulder muscles, but I do some biceps too. My biceps are already pretty strong though so we want to catch my other muscles up.

Three random thoughts from today. My experience there today.

#1. The last two times I went I was the only non-staff there (It’s an after-hours program). But this time there was a guy named Barry(sp?) who I actual met way back five years ago when I went for a short while. Barry is on his 16^th year as a quad, making it over half his life now. He is pretty much the same muscle picture as me, except he’s actually got a small functional bit of triceps now. But anyway, he has been independent with transfers (before he had trace triceps) since about five years out. Which means, if I’m understanding all the relevant factors correctly, I could be too.

Me and Barry were talking afterwards, and he asked if I’d thought of getting in a manual chair. Let me back up, five years ago when I first went to Neuroworx for a while, I was struggling a ton with orthostatic hypotention (low blood pressure, particularly while sitting up). I had a chest binder and tedhos and everything we could think of, and if I tried to exert myself physically even for like two minutes, I’d get super lightheaded and my muscles would burn from lack of oxygen. Now, my blood pressure is MUCH more stable. Today I went and did 15 minutes of cardio, and three sets of five different exercises all of which made the muscle in use burn enough that I couldn’t do another rep. My blood pressure is definitely more stable now. So when Barry mentioned a me being in a manual chair, this is the first time the thought entered my mind in a “you know what, that’s actually a possibility!” way.

However, I asked him what the benefits of manual chair vs power chair are, and he basically said “you just get to move more, keep your heart going, better quality of life.” I still am a bit skeptical about the worth-it-ness of the manual chair. I have experienced first-hand how exerting myself physically does just seems to release feelings of happiness and usefulness. And so if wheeling around all day just that effect as a bi-product I can see the appeal. I guess I’m just a bit skeptical about the consistency of that, or the potency. I feel like sporty people just seem to get more a sense of fulfillment just because they’re doing something physical in general. As a non sporty type, working out just for the sake of working out doesn’t make as much sense. Although as mentioned I have been experiencing the appeal, and so it’s making more sense. Part of my mind just isn’t convinced that making my life more difficult in various ways, on purpose, would “improve my quality of life”. However, I am, for the first time ever I believe, open to the idea, because I see it as an actual possibility at this point. Something it never really felt like before.

#2. (yeah, that was just number one.) I now know where to find the wheelchair meat-heads haha. Apparently, the wheelchair rugby group does all sorts of other biking/rafting/high adventure activities. Once again those activities in themselves still have a moderate appeal at best. As a social person, the biggest draw for such an activity in my mind is it would be a great date activity haha. On the social train of thought though, it would be a place to actually interact with other wheelchair guys/girls. This is all sorts of wrong of me but I still somehow don’t associate myself with “that group” in my mind. I see myself as not in the “normal” group either, I love all the wheelchair jokes and uniqueness of the whole thing. But I somehow don’t see myself as one of the wheelchair people either. Two tangents on this, A) it’s surprising it doesn’t make me feel terribly lonely feeling like I don’t fit in either group. B) Probably the real solution is I shouldn’t differentiate either group, we should all just be people wheelchair or no, oh well. Anyway, it might be good to participate in other quad friendly high adventure things. Definitely open to the possibility. Definitely going to need some more toning to get there haha. I’ve only been at this Neuroworx thing for three days over three weeks! Oh full time jobs get in the way of EVERYTHING.

#3. I found out today that there’s a procedure they can do to attach tendons from muscles I do currently have use of to my fingers, so basically I’d have some semblance of grip and release. It would be all gripping and releasing at once, so not individual use. And it’s still not like “normal”. But it’s definitely a conscious grip and release, how cool is that!? I asked if Barry could think of any reason not to, and he was like “no, but don’t rush into a decision”. So that could be very interesting. It’s also like a 6-8 week recovery though, which doesn’t mix well with working haha. Totally going to research further though!

So, in short, going back to Neuroworx to see what I can learn? Totally worth it! Learning tons for now J so much to explore!

Random Thoughts 21 (9/4/2011)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

- So… went on a date with Brittany Bird. We ended up at walmart buying a crab, and the old (like 65+ type old) employee helping us started ranting about how there’s not enough employees because the top management is supposedly hoarding the money blah blah… but the best part was when Brittany said “I’m sorry!” and he goes “Don’t say you’re sorry! Never say you’re sorry! There’s three rules, never let them see you sweat, never say you’re sorry, and no good deed goes unpunished.” Funny old guy… not the best take on life though, if he was being sarcastic it didn’t come through :P.

- That night I went out with Cari DeCoursi (yes, two dates the same day, so sue me). She told me the story of how she had gone on a bunch of dates with a guy in her ward, and after one recently they had DTR , she was willing to keep pursuing the relationship, but he said something like, ”you know how the world has this image of what a girl should look like? I just kind of struggle that you’re not that.” Holy crap, I wanted to kick the guy in the nuts. Men like that should be allowed in public. Cari said it’s probably the rudest thing anyone has ever said to her. the next day she was over crying with her mom though, and apparently that’s the day I decided to text something along the lines of “Cari! I miss your beautiful face! When can I see you again?” and it made her day. Yay for inspired timing I suppose? I sure didn’t feel like I was acting on a prompting when I texted haha.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

- So during scripture study we read a scripture where the author was about to say more, but felt he had to stop. And we of course were like, “I wonder what that stuff is?” Cj offered a good theory “maybe we’ve been getting it all along at a slow rate through modern prophets.” Which I like, but, I think it’s not correct due to 2 Nephi 32:6. We of course are getting great and new advice from the prophets, but not new doctrine, which I think is more what the author who couldn’t write more was referring to.

-Went to the ER Tuesday night! My cath stopped draining and we (me and mom) went to put a new one in, but my bladder clamped up and we couldn’t do it. And my blood pressure kept rising painfully… so I took the emergency drug that is supposed to lower my blood pressure a crap ton. Even with that in my system my blood pressure was above 180-200 until we solved the problem. It’s one of the few times ever I remember being in so much pain I literally cried. We called 911 and an ambulance took us to the ER (hopefully ambulance rides are covered under my insurance…) during the trip the drug I took finally alleviated most of the pain, but my legs shook constantly in pain until we got a cath in 45 or so minutes later. After the pain though the whole thing was kind of fun. I joked around With the hospital employees and such… Dad even came with this time. Kind of fun to show him what our hospital adventures are like J.

- Once we got everything at the ER worked out and were just waiting for them to finish paperwork so I could go home, I texted Robert (my manager) something like “Hey Robert, so I had a bit of a medical emergency and I’m at the ER right now, but it looks like we’ve got everything worked out and we’re just waiting for them to let us go. I’ll probably need to sleep in tomorrow and I’ll be a little late for work, sorry! Thanks for your patience!” so apparently, Robert only got the second half in the morning that just said “I’ll probably need to sleep in tomorrow and I’ll be a little late for work, sorry! Thanks for your patience!” and he was like “what the?... have we been too lenient with Corby?” glad we got that straightened out haha.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

-Did lunch with Natalie Haight! It was super great. We got to have a pretty deep conversation about dating (not each other) and stuff. I think I actually see Natalie more regularly than any other girl I spend time with, and I see Natalie like monthly… Further evidence of my campfire analogy in my last blog haha…

Thursday, September 01, 2011

- Real life girls are just as beautiful/physically attractive as movie girls, but they have a personality to go with it. Whenever I’ve met movie looking girls in real life they have all the wrong motivations/aspirations (if any). It makes it easy not to date them though because no such girl would be interested in a guy in a wheelchair anyway.

- Almost got in a car accident this morning, had to veer between some construction barrels into the unused but finished portion of the road to avoid rear ending someone. Apparently they had slowed to their ridiculous stop because a construction barrel was rolling around on the freeway though. Good times.

Friday, September 02, 2011

- “I want, when I die, them to find me sitting in my chair with my face having fallen on the keyboard and having just typed seven thousand pages worth of the letter 'Z.' In this way, I'll have written even after I die.” – Brandon Sanderson

Sunday, September 04, 2011

- So I think I’ve mentioned this in blog posts before, but I’m going to apply to do a CS masters at BYU. Mostly due to the stagnantness I feel with my life now. I didn’t think I’d miss school THIS much! I was even a bit jealous when people were posting status’ about the first day. Anyway, one thing needed for applying is to take the GRE. The GRE is a test that examines your records and tests your reasoning/logic skills. I went online and took all the practice problems and actually had fun haha. I enjoy proving my knowledge or discovering where I lack (in areas I care about :P. Lack of knowledge in bio-chemistry doesn’t bug me at all :P).

Random Thoughts 20 (8/28/2011)

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

- I realized something weird. I think I like reporting in, and telling my managers about my bug progress, and when I leave for lunch or what not. Odd.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

- Oook a few rants. So I was out to dinner with a new friend (Julia) and she made a comment along the lines of “you like to have every night planned, huh?” it had a “you’re not very spontaneous, are you?” energy to me, and I wanted to deny it, because I consider myself a spontaneous person. But in truth lately, I haven’t been. Or at least if I am technically a spontaneous personality, I’ve made so many plans I haven’t had time to be spontaneous. I really plan most nights.

I used to be super spontaneous. I was great at living in the moment. I used to drive around to friends houses late at night and throw marshmallows at their window to get their attention just to chat a while. Even when I threw parties in high school I didn’t have any rhyme or reason. It’s not like I was known for having a monthly party. If I felt like throwing a party, I did. Even when I moved out, my instinct any time I went to get food was to check if I could find companionship in the process.

Now, somehow, if I don’t have anything planned I feel useless. Part of my contentment I know as that even if everyone said no, I’d still have video games to play. I feel mostly lame playing video games alone now though (although they’re a great social activity), and I don’t have any other consistent activity I enjoy. All of this basically adds up to me being less content.

I had an “ah-ha!” while praying the other night though. I have not been acting on the confidence I have that everything happens for a reason. I have been clean, and going to the temple every week, and so I have this expectation that I should be worthy to be guided into constant growth opportunities or “useful” things to do. But my life hasn’t been living up to that expection. On days I’m doing nothing I feel like I’m failing somehow. But, I feel at peace having to made the choice to stay home (for now). I think as long as I stay worthy and listen, I can stop feeling guilty about “wasting” time when no other plans came to fruition.

- At the moment I’m still terrible at vegging, when did this happen?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

- “For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one hacking at the root.” – Henry Thorough

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

- I titled the left side of my left monitor towards me an inch so it's facing more directly at me, and I feel like everything has changed.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

- I used to be a professional handicapped person (I got paid for it!) but now it’s just a hobby J

Friday, August 26, 2011

- Where do construction workers park? There must be a construction bus.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

- So… Karissa Kim loves this fantasy series called the Belgariad. As a general rule, I Karissa Kim has good taste in stuff, so me and CJ decided to read the Belgariad series (5 medium-small books). I learned something interesting about my reading preferences though. To me, it’s not just enough to have a random adventure in a known world. I love discovering what’s going on along side with the characters. I realized this because the Belgariad drove me CRAZY. They give you a prophesy about the main character in the prologue, and then he embarks on an adventure with people who know who he is, and he keeps asking them who he is and they tell him to shut up or clean the dishes. Having the characters continually have discussions about something I the reader already knew about made me want to gouge my eyes out. And it took the rest of the joy of the small discoveries in the world out of it. I completed book two and the main character still doesn’t know he’s anything special. Two complete books of them lying to him and avoiding his questions! Ugh! On the way to Lake Powell we read Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card, instantly and massively intriguing. And while there I picked up Fablehaven and read the first third, also entertaining, and I decided “yeah, I’m not finishing the Belgariad…”

- I had a bit of an aha, which I haven’t thought through in detail so this will be kind of a free write. But, I have concluded I’m even worse at dating than I thought haha. Or at least, the way I date leads to the fact I have friends but no girlfriends. I mean, I even call many of my dates “friend dates” and if people are like “oooOOOooo a date! What are you going to do?” I’m usually like “I don’t know, she’s a good friend so I don’t think it really matters much”. I started doing these friend date style dates and luncheons because I found showing romantic interest scares girls off, and so I don’t even get a chance to spend time with them. At least if I put their mind at ease in regards to romantic pursuit we can spend time together, thus there’s theoretically a higher chance of romantic opportunity, and I think this theory is still moderately true. However, I think I may be unconsciously wussing out.

Most of my previous relationships have taken no effort to begin. I spent time around someone, we enjoyed each other’s company a lot, we end up spending progressively more time together, finally we discuss it and decide to date. That’s been the trend for almost all my relationships. I don’t know how to pursue otherwise. I can however think of one big difference. For example, back when I ended up dating Katie, I found her on MySpace, and the first message I wrote her I was pretty forward, forward enough that now I’d be worried a girl would think I’m a creeper if I said those same things. Part of the reason that worked with Katie was because she had a kind of low confidence, and responded well to being complimented. But part of it (and a part I feel I’ve lost) was my confidence. I knew I wasn’t a creeper, I didn’t analyze or second guess what effect my words might have on her, I just said what I wanted to. She told me she had emotional walls, I told her I didn’t care and it wouldn’t be a problem, and it wasn’t! And I had an excellent dating experience with her. Now, in a similar circumstance, I think I’d be less forward, and I’d back off a little when they expressed fear of relationships. As such, I remain single.

Another thing I realized is I don’t know how to keep momentum going. I basically take a wonderful girl on a date, we have an ok time but nothing magical happens. I take her out because I’d be totally open to something happening. But when the date is just ok, I figure it didn’t work this time, and I end up not going on another date for like three months. It’s like I have ten fires I’m trying to start and I keep rotating using my flint and steel on each pile for 20 seconds, and when it doesn’t start I try the next pile. By the time I get back to the first pile again, my previous efforts have left nothing to build on.

As always, I’m not really sure what to do with this information/theory. It’s like previously I just had the confidence, and me and someone clicked, and a relationship happened. I have frequently had such confidence lately, and been around people, and we didn’t click in a relationship way. So that alone isn’t it. As always it’s just not something I can force or plan to move forward with, especially given the uniqueness of each girl I may be interested in getting to know or pursue. But yeah, there’s a dating rant haha.

Random Thoughts 19 (7/28/2011) Primarily A Rant

Monday, July 11, 2011

- So, I was feeling anti-social and didn’t want to go to the activity tonight. I have somewhat mixed feelings on whether I should force myself to go when feeling socially lame or not. Sometimes I get there and get invigorated and I’m glad I went. But sometimes I go and I’m socially blah, in front of people I’m attracted to, and I’m sad I showed them that side of me haha. Today was close to the middle but leaning towards the “my blah showed up”. But overall it’s probably good that I went. Oh well.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

- I think I can be officially deemed a ‘former gamer’ at this point in my life. Someone asked if I play some new game that’s out and I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m proud of this haha.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I, am a maelstrom of emotion. Since graduating my fears of what might happen have come true. Which is funny now that I think about it. If I predicted this, why didn’t I do more to prepare/prevent it? the answer is simple, I felt like I was doing something about it, and maybe I’ve been doing well, but tonight, it just doesn’t feel like it’s been enough. Here’s what it is, I don’t feel like I’m progressing. I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything, I don’t feel like I’m growing into anything. I know this life is about learning, and I feel like I’m stagnant, and that every day that goes by is added to the useless category. Also, I entirely rationally realize this is irrational, even selfish as my mom has pointed out. Irrational because I AM growing, the stuff I’m learning at work is DEFINITELY valuable. I’m learning tons about work environments, management strategies, dealing with the specific people around me, coding techniques, cool development tools, and sound design patterns; All the while earning more than double my monthly spending. That, in its self, should probably be pretty satisfying. In addition to that, since I received my endowments on April 21^st I have been back to the temple literally every week. I do find some peace there, but mostly I go because I know it’s a good thing to do. I wish I was more motivated by the service aspect of it.

Which brings us to the selfishness of my whole outlook right now. Why should going to the temple (or doing anything really) be about me? Me feeling fulfilled, me feeling like I’m progressing, me gaining something at all. Why do I have this feeling I’m wasting time? And here’s the stupid part, you know what for some reason makes me feel like all these things wouldn’t be a waste of time? Marriage. For some reason, in my mind, once you hit marriage, time isn’t wasted, it’s kind of just like a “endure to the end” mode for your personal life, and a “provide a stable environment so you can have kids and they can progress too” mode. Money, is not motivating to me. An attribute I do still like by the way, and it’s funny that I’m frugal as I am when money is such a small deal in my mind. But I guess, to me, the whole purpose of money is to provide for a family. If not that… what? And another oddity, I see a friend going to China and teaching them language for 4 months as a really good thing to do, that counts as progression to me. It’s like another unique experience counts as progression… for them. But for some reason, the thought of doing such a thing myself doesn’t carry the same usefulness. Finding health care in China would be a lot trouble anyway. Maybe I do need to do something that extreme though.

All of this is particularly keen on my mind tonight because I had a plan, and it shifted, and now I feel like I’m floundering again. I’m currently living at home. For some reason, living at home keeps a semi constant shame in the back of my head. It’s funny how many people think I’m a yellow personality. If I were primarily a yellow, I guarantee I wouldn’t worry about wasting time this much. I need to get better at living in the moment. I’m good at doing it with individual circumstances. I don’t feel lame at work, or at FHE, or at church, or on a date, or with friends. I can just be in the moment and enjoy it there. Tangent, I still love my job, it actually keeps getting better even. Anyway, it’s just the nights I have nothing going that I feel this waste. Which is probably appropriate seeing as I’m doing nothing at the time. Go figure.

Anyway, I got a call from Dan Garner mid-summer wanting me to move to Provo with him and Alex King in August. Two huge social and spiritual studs from my Bluffdale Arts Council days. Epic! I prayed about it, didn’t really get an answer either way, and decided to go for it. I kept feeling uncomfortable like something wasn’t lined up yet and I shouldn’t sign the contract, but I did anyway. A few weeks passed, and I kept feeling more apprehensive about the whole thing. I can name specific “reasons” that came to mind, but at this point I’m pretty sure they were just excuses I was finding to justify my apprehension. Last night I prayed about it after a session, and honestly I still mostly got nothing, I’m basically basing my whole decision off the fact that the thought of moving out makes me more nervous than staying here. I’m not someone to allow myself to be ruled by my fears though. If it’s just me being insecure, I’ll go for it. But in my efforts to be as in tune to the spirit as possible, I’m trying to follow my gut instincts, even if I don’t see why, and even if it’s a tiny thing. Moving out despite my gut instinct was the only exception, where I ignored my gut. Well, now I’m not moving out. Surprise! I talked to my wonderful mom about it, I think I’m going to start going to Neuro-Works (physical therapy) and see if there’s anything new I can learn, or if there’s ways I’ve atrophied that I can repair. And it feels like less of a waste when I write it now than it did when I first had the idea. In fact “I’ feel less like a waste than I did when I started writing this whole blurb. Venting is great. Ahhh… Anyway, I’ve left out a ton of details, but I don’t care. Having put my decision down in writing and throwing it to wind has made me feel better. Goodnight Neverland!

Oh, I haven’t been adding posts for my temple miles (since I haven’t been posting at all…) they have been as follows starting June 24 to the present day. 359.9, 317, 344.7, 434.4, 136.8 (twice in one week!), 435.2, and 451.7.

Random Thoughts 18 (6/19/2011)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

- 152.8 miles since the temple (went last night)! Oh yeah! And we did sealings with Brother Litster, he was amazing. I loved it more than my endowments haha.

Friday, May 13, 2011

- Started listening to the Miracle of Forgiveness while driving. There was a great quote along the lines of “we can’t just hope for circumstances to help us avoid sin, we must create them.”

- I had the thought my friends who can’t seem to find peace but continually struggle with pornography need to break free. They are perfect examples of Mormon 2:13 “for their sorrowing was not unto repentance, because of the goodness of God; but it was rather the sorrowing of the damned, because the Lord would not always suffer them to take happiness in sin.”

- So I’ve been bailed on by 3 different women in a single 7 day period, and I was kinda frustrated with women because of it. I don’t have enough time to spend time with everyone I’d like to spend time with. Is it lame of me if I make even less time for girls whom I’m pretty sure I have no dating potential with?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

- 715 Miles before the temple. Thus far I’ve successfully gone once a week every week since my endowment :D I hope I can keep it up forever. This was a Tuesday-Saturday gap though, I’ll bet if I go the same night every week (thinking Wednesday or Thursday) it’d be around 500 miles regularly.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

- So it’s been an interesting week at work. My team leads boss, Darek, the only person at work who still intimidates me for some reason, even though he has done or said nothing to make him so that I can think of, has been out for 10 days at various things. Tuesday, Andy, my team lead, asked how fast I can get my stuff done, stuff he’s been telling me wasn’t due for weeks yet, I told him like 2 weeks. The next day he quit! Nobody knew he was going to haha. We’ve reworked everything down to 1 week hopefully, and then the day after memorial day I’m taking a week off to finally have the damage done years ago to my urinary tract surgically repaired. (the source of my “I can’t stop the bleeding, but besides that I’m fine!” story)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

- 359.6 temple miles. I need a cool name for this…

Friday, June 03, 2011

- So my favorite Christmas song, I celebrate the day by Relient K, says “from the first time that you opened your eyes did you realize that you would be my savior?” Which is a kind of fun thought/question. But we know the answer! D&C 93 states a bunch of times that “He received not a fullness at first”, and that’s quoted by Christ about Himself!

- Am I needier than I need to be? The one night I spent in the hospital after my recent surgery we needed one more pillow for my 4 pillow set up, and my mom offered to give me hers, she said she could do without. We ended up finding another pillow anyway, but I had a thought like, “wait, so Mom is going to sleep in discomfort so I don’t have to? At what point am I being super picky when I could just be a bit uncomfortable like everyone else?” I’m not expressing this well… So I get uncomfortable sometimes if I lay on my back too long. In the hospital they used to roll me every 2 hours so I wouldn’t get pressure sores. So when I’m uncomfortable I ask to roll because I assume it’s a pressure sore developing. But where’s the line of when it’s a medically good idea, or I’m just being extra picky? I’m pretty sure I do a decent job of staying towards the medical necessity side, but still…

- hmm, I had a note in here that said “last temple visit” that’s supposed to remind me of a thought I had, but I don’t remember what it was about haha.

- Ok, so I spent most my week laying on my side after the surgery ‘cuz I have to keep pressure off the incision. There’s not a lot of things one can do while laying on their side. I started playing this turn based space conquest game called Galactic Civilizations 2. Great replay value, it’s one of those games where everything is randomly generated. Anyway, I was up until 3 AM two nights in a row playing. Not ok! Haha, with WoW if midnight struck and I was like “meh, I’ve got nothing going tomorrow, I might as well keep playing.” An alarm would go off in my head and say “NOOO!! You’re justifying! Turn it off NOW!” and I would (also note, I haven’t played WoW since the end of April. My subscription is inactive even). Anyway my “you’re addicted! Turn it off!” alarm is more powerful with WoW specifically, so I didn’t heed it when I had the same thought with Galactic Civilizations, but I think I need to heed it regardless of the game.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

- 242.6 mile temple visit today, kinda cheated though. I had the bladder surgery on Tuesday and can’t sit in my chair for long before the incision starts to hurt. And I didn’t want to leave in the middle of an endowment session or anything, so I decided to come read my scriptures on the temple ground. I probably won’t let doing this count every time, but today it’s the best I can do. Also, like 30 of those miles weren’t actually me, they were taking the car for repairs and back haha.

- A random thing I’ve noticed from having various CNA’s, different people but very different amounts of toothpaste on their toothbrush. I put relatively little. When you see commercials put a massive chunk of toothpaste on the toothbrush, is that really how you do it?...

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

- D&C 101:5, we can’t be ‘sanctified’ (perfected) if we don’t endure chastisement.

- Went to the Oquirrh temple, 140.8 miles (shortest ever!). The Jordan River is closed for 2 weeks. Note: Oquirrh is slightly less wheelchair friendly haha.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

- I think I know more people with multiple jobs than with no job.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

- So, darkness isn’t actually something, right? It’s simply the absence of light. If there’s no light, the natural state of a room is dark. I was talking to Marie, and the subject of being bored came up. She said “why should I bored?” like there was no reason to be bored. And it got me thinking, for me, if there’s no reason not to be bored, that’s when I’m usually bored (as a kid anyway. I haven’t been bored in quite a while now…) but to her, if there was no stimulus, her natural state was content. For me, if there was no stimulus, my natural state was likely bored. It made me think about friends who are depressed unless there’s a reason to be happy. Me I’m happy unless there’s reason to be sad. So if there was nothing going on in both lives, one would be depressed and one would be happy (but possibly bored haha). It was just interesting to me how different people can be. The same circumstances (absence of circumstances counts as a circumstance in this context) can have such a different effect on different people.

Friday, June 17, 2011

- It’s sad how often people don’t act on recommendations they know they’d enjoy because they don’t have enough time. Or at least it’s annoying to me ‘cuz I want to do/read/see/hear all this stuff!!

- Realization! When I play video games it’s usually a waste of time overall and makes me a bit more bland (this isn’t news). Reading a book seems similarly useless to those around me, but! Usually it makes my hyper. More worth it!! still just a leisure activity…

Saturday, June 18, 2011

- 750.8 Temple miles. Draper Temple this time, I liked it a lot J. It’s also funny the contrast between how helpful some people are, and how some people freak out and don’t know what to do.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

- So I’m hitting a point where I’m really feeling the… weight? Uselessness? Something… of not progressing my life. I like the feeling of progression, I knew that’s something I’d miss when I graduated, and right now I miss it. My life goals have been pretty much “get to the point where you can support a family, and start a family.” Well, I got to the first one, and the second one I don’t have much control over (I’m still dating, that’s about all I can do.) So really all I’ve been doing the last few months is working, and going to the temple every week, both good things to do, but both of which to me are more like just survival, and not progression. Yes I’m accumulating money, which is good I guess, but money just isn’t a motivator for me. I guess to me the sole purpose of money is to provide for yourself and a family, without a family it’s kind of pointless, and I don’t need this much just for myself. Anyway, I’m not the type to mope for long, I like to take action, so I’m looking into moving out again sooner rather than later, and going back for my masters degree.

Gimpman Continues May 2011

So, I actually have some random thoughts I need to turn into complete sentences and post... But on Sunday I did this on my website instead!

Gimpman Continues (May 2011)

Random Thoughts 17 (5/8/2011)

Monday, April 18, 2011

- Why must humans need so much sleep? I’m not ok with this.

- We are taught to avoid the appearance of evil, but for most of my life I think I’ve worried more about appearing overzealous than I’ve worried about appearing evil. I think I was mostly striving to appear ‘normal’. I don’t want to be normal anymore though. If people deem me overzealous, whatev.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

- For the record, finding health care to come at 6:00 every day is difficult.

- Mike didn’t show again this morning, I didn’t end up out of bed till 11:00. I’m excited to move home to a stable environment with backup help.

- When sitting in my dormant car, every once in a while I hear it make some electric/mechanical shifting noises and I don’t know why.

- I fasted today in preparation for receiving my endowments tomorrow! But I think it made me moderately grumpy :P.

- Also, I have a weeks growth of beard (it looks full on day 2.5 btw) and I finally grow in evenly enough to not look terrible! All the same I’m shaving it tonight, and I’m excited about it.

Friday, April 22, 2011

- Received my endowments in the temple last night. Not sure what much more to add, I’m excited to be wearing garments J. Also, a sad 5969.4 miles since I was last inside the temple. Hopefully I’ll be able to go weekly now that I have people who can change me besides health care. Oh, also interesting to note, it’s 27.7 miles from home to work. So 55ish miles daily even if I don’t go to lunch..

- Oh! I completed our wards “read the BoM in 100 days” challenge yesterday! I was 4 days ahead even! I’m not sure what I want to do for my standard reading now…. A BoM chapter and a D&C chapter a day?...

Monday, April 25, 2011

- Hmm, difficult new goal. I started reading “how to make friends and influence people”. The first chapter is all about how critiquing people has never ever motivated someone, and how people love people that talk good all the time. Particularly this quote hit me “Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody” – Benjamin Franklin.

Now, I don’t think I’m terrible at tearing down people to their face. In fact I think I’m pretty good about building my female friends up, that’s the feedback they give me anyway. However, I sure can complain about ways people have wrong/annoyed me. Luckily I usually (keyword ‘usually’, I’m not perfect) complain to a friend, or my blog, but then I approach the actual person in a more constructive way. This doesn’t count as speaking ill of no man though. Thoughts? Suggestions?

- I ran into Professor Knutson at Nicoitalia pizza today, he brought up a PhD again. I talked to Drew about it… a big reason I started working is because if I do work on a masters where I study development environments, it’s probably important that I at some point actually participate in one! And I’ve definitely been getting that experience here. In fact I’ve been loving it. However If I ever get a masters it’s probably got to be before I start relying on my income bracket. I think I’ll quit my job and start a masters once CJ can move to BYU with me. At last that’s when I’ll seriously consider it again… I still feel like just a kid, the idea of me having a PhD is just super weird to me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

- D & C 6:7 “7 Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made 'rich. Behold, he that hath 'eternal life is rich.”

So, wisdom = riches (God style) and riches (God style) = eternal life. Thus by the transitive property wisdom = eternal life. Thank you and good night.

- Oh, for scripture reading I decided it doesn’t matter where as long as it’s 5+ pages a day. So I’ll just keep track where I am in the BoM and D&C and Old Testament and read a total of 5 (or more, I always end on chapter ends) pages. I have amazing dates when I make sure to read my 5 pages that day :P.

Friday, April 29, 2011

- I like this, I don’t ever remember reading this before. D&C 10:28 “Verily, verily, I say unto you, wo be unto him that lieth to deceive because he supposeth that another lieth to deceive, for such are not exempt from the justice of God.”

- I thought this was funny, I’m such a strange person. (on FB chat)

[Kate Doty]

Report · 11:06am

one more paper....

[Corby Campbell]

oh paper is easy to find, need me to send a sheet over?

[Kate Doty]

hardy har har

so i am going to portland tonight

[Corby Campbell]

Report · 11:09am

Hardy har har, everyone knows Portland is not a real place, just like snipes aren't real, and you don't actually need to wipe after pooping.

- I totally would not get along with another me. I love being unique. It’s probably a result of my pride :).

- Maybe people are just worried about what HR might do to them, but I’ve noticed no one in the workplace treats me with a “hey buddy!” attitude. They all assume I’m fully confident, even if I run into people from other companies. Nice.

- Employee filling up my gas at Chevron, “Have a safe trip!”
Me, “you too!... to the… store…”

Dangit.

- There are many different types of nerd, I’d guess over 50% of the people I know consider themselves a nerd in one way or another. As a straight up computer nerd though, the sample of people in my life may be fairly biased in favor of nerdostiy.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

- 1125 Miles for the second endowment session.

- So someone at work complimented my humorous wit over the cubicle wall. My answer was something along the lines of “thanks, and what I love about this place is everyone has a similar wit” but it still seems a bit cocky. What I SHOULD have said is something like “thanks, but everyone else here is way wittier than I am.” Humility Corby, humility.

- I still have a hard time deciding between the line of “well, she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me, I’ll just quit trying with her.” And “I’ll keep trying until I change her mind” haha. Most of the marriage stories I know, one person wasn’t interested in the other at first, so do I need to persist or back off with girls? Blecht.

Random Thoughts 16 (4/17/2011)

Monday, March 28, 2011

- "I'm finding that bravery is measured by faith" The sound of grace – the workday release

- I feel a bit of anxiety for people who keep droning on a long story during their testimony after testimony meeting should have ended, and it’s really pointless. Why? Do I want to protect them or something?

- I love the sun. If I was locked in solitary confinement it wouldn’t matter how they fed me, I’d die due to lack of sun. And I realized something I like about spring! I can sit in the sun indefinitely without overheating. I LOVE the feel of the sun on my skin.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

- “A wise man trades that which he cannot keep for that which he cannot lose.”

- I suspect people don’t realize doing the dishes is a daily task.

- Sunday night Marie came and played Bang with Steph and Grant, and 2 of their friends. Me and Marie acted like a couple fairly naturally I’d say haha. There was even one point where I teased her and she started coming in to kiss me but stopped when she realized what she was doing, and it was SO funny! No kissing still though :P

- So, I was cleaning up my desktop, and I started dragging icons around to fill in the gaps, and randomly I grabbed the scriptures and dragged them to fill a hole on the top of the screen, and my brain went “wait, the top? I someone looks at your desktop the top is likely the first thing they’ll see. Do you want to look like some super Mormon?” and I paused and was like, “yep, yep I do.” And there it resides.

- So I just got out of institute, so maybe I’m in a ‘over-zealous’ state, but for some reason my thoughts turned to Neal. I don’t know the thoughts of his heart, but from my observations, Neal is one step from being the guy he was in high school. He doesn’t take school seriously and he doesn’t care (although he’s trying to sign up for classes), he doesn’t keep the Sabbath day holy, he watches rated R movies like they’re any other movie, he doesn’t have a calling, and to my knowledge he doesn’t say his prayers or read his scriptures. The only outward action I see him doing is going to church, which is good. But he often leaves portions of it for food. I know him and Andrew are crazy work out nuts and they get so hungry it’s ridiculous, but 3 hours? Eat before and after? Maybe move the meal schedule around just a little on Sundays so that it works? It just seems funny to me. Every time I start giving Neal crap about my perceived lack of effort on his part he points out ways he’s doing better than I’m giving him credit, so it’s likely I’m being too harsh, but it’s just the feeling I keep getting. I’ve been trying to prod him on occasion for a few months, but the rated R movie thing I’d say is like a last two weeks thing. From my possibly over-zealous over-harsh perspective that seems like a step backwards still, but who am I to say? I just hope he finds something or someone who makes him want to be the guy he was when he was in the elders quorum presidency again. He talks about how happy he was with that many callings and serving people and what not still, I don’t understand why he doesn’t see himself drifting further and further from that guy. The phrased “lulled into carnal security” comes to mind. Apparently the way I’ve tried to call him out doesn’t help though, I’m not the guy for the job. Maybe Andrew?...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

- I seem to have a really powerful sense of chivalry, at least in regards to paying for a woman’s meal. Even when not on official dates, or in group settings, I tend to pay for one of the girls meals. Eating a meal with a girl or more and not paying for one just feels weird to me. And I quickly (possibly inaccurately, but hey) judge a guy who takes a girl on a date and expects her to pay for herself as a douchebag. But it made me wonder, what instilled this so strongly in me? I can think of events, or just powerful memories tied to various other values I hold dear, but I can’t even remember a specific conversation where I was told the guy always pays. *shrug*

- So the lock mechanism under the steering wheel decided to not release as I was waiting to pick up a date (Jessica Martin). I sat here with the car on for 15 minutes (she’s running late) and then tried again and it freed me. I’m writing this from inside, she hasn’t come out yet. I hope it works though, this night could become adventurous J.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

-So follow up to yesterday’s post. First of all the lock mechanism worked and that was fine, so muhdunno… second, at my institute class (which was what I was doing immediately before meeting up with Jessica) there’s some cute girls I’ve been trying slightly to spend time with, the last few weeks I offered to drive them home because I know they take the bus. This week I didn’t offer but they ran up to my car and asked for one and I was like ”for sure!” we’d even got out of institute early so it wouldn’t make me late. And I told them I had a date and one of them recommended I take her to this Thai place, but I was pretty sure I didn’t like Thai food. However, I wasn’t terribly hungry, so I was willing to be adventurous with food preferences, so when I got Jessica in the car I was like “are there any weird types of food you like?” and she says “I dunno, not really, just Thai.” Perfect! Turns out I loved the food. Then we discussed her boy problems the rest of the night, I got to see new sides of her it was fun.

- Design meeting at work! So I have a task to create two forms that allows our users to make and send email and text templates. I made mock design wiki page examples and labeled them and stuff, and then we have a design meeting to go over what I had planned and either change/approve it. I was pretty nervous because since I wrote it and I was going to code it I felt like I’d be the center of attention/decision making etc… but! It was me, and the PM(project manager) and a chief architect, and my team lead, and a QA lead, and it ended up just being one big collaborative creative process which in my opinion was SO fun! Just bouncing ideas like “what’s the difference between cancel all and close? Do we need both? This button makes more sense next to here then there. When they click save which name does it save? Should it be case sensitive?” etc. and everyone had equal voice/sway and everyone offered positive and negative feedback… it was just fun brainstorming. Nerdy yes, but I love my job, and I love the people at this company.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

- It’s so awesome to watch my family in action, even in little things like making breakfast or taking care of the grand kids. I warn Dad that baby Drew’s unhappy, Dad brings Drew to the floor, Mason notices Drew ate a lego, Cj gets it out and distracts Drew while Ryan gets bigger toys for Drew to play with until Angie puts him to bed. Everyone was only inconvenienced for a short minute, but Drew got full time care, it’s cool haha. Also, babies take lots of attention :P

- “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.” – Dallin H. Oaks. (Quoted by Todd Christofferson Sunday afternoon session)

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

- Yesterday was a grumpy day for some reason, I ended up going home and playing video games with the guys to ride it out, it worked J. Given the opportunity to break some of the standards I’d set for myself though I would have broke yesterday haha. But DIDN’T!

- I think part of my grumpiness might have been reality sinking in after a conversation with Kalia. Note I was blah before, but I decided to ask her what she thinks about me and Marie dating, and if me and Marie can/should kiss. She pretty much echoed all my own feelings on the matter, that of we get along great and spending time together is totally healthy, but we’re probably not eternal companions for as of yet unknown reasons. And that kissing is probably not the greatest idea if we know the relationship is unlikely to progress further. Getting someone else who had the same opinion was enough for me to really acknowledge the reality of it rather than just think about it as a possibility. Still in the dating game! Lame :P.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

- Today was a crappy day. Not in a metaphorical “everything went wrong” way, but in a more literal “I crapped my pants and sat in it for 6 hours” way. Besides that it was just normal :P.

- it's more fun writing things when you know people read it... and I write down what to me are interesting thoughts so I'm always interested in peoples thoughts on my thoughts. So I can think thoughts about their thoughts on my thoughts.

Friday, April 08, 2011

- So Mike parks in handicap when he gets me up in the morning. And for two weeks I’ve given him crap when I caught him. I hate it when people park in handicap just because they can get away with it, it’s affected my ability to find the ramp space I need many times. I thought about calling the tow company and tipping them off to when he’d be there but I decided that’d be a jerk thing to do. Especially given how broke Mike is. BUT! This morning he got towed anyway! And I didn’t orchestrate it! I even took him to the impound lot and tried to help him talk his way out of it since he was taking care of a handicap person, but they wouldn’t have it… so I feel bad it’s costing him $150. But he knows it was his fault and I even warned him repetitively. I got to feel vindicated without being a jerk!

- I need to start taking my work a bit more seriously. There ARE deadlines and they DO matter.

Monday, April 11, 2011

- Today has been GREAT! No event to make it so, I just feel great. I think it’s because I went to bed at 10. Why must a good sleep schedule be so helpful? I like staying up too… *whimper*

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

- Had an inconclusive but amazing DTRish chat with Marie right before institute. Our relationship is amazing, but what we’re supposed to do with it is amazingly unclear.

- It’s weird turning on my laptop and finding out it’s the first time in days.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

- Methinks I'm a bit sick with a fever. IBProfin is magic though, and! I'm warm enough that for the first time EVER I took off my jacket at work. Crazy right? (post note, I ended up running a fever of 102 that day).

- Since I'm sure you're curious, I'd like you to know that my health today was about as stable as Spring weather in Utah. Thank you and good night.

Friday, April 15, 2011

- “Hell is when the person you are meets the person you could have been.”

Sunday, April 17, 2011

- Amazing Marieekend with Marie. Shopped for smart phones (finally…) lived at home for the week due to my sickness (which lasted 2.5ish days). Probably moving home this week. I love my job. End.

Random Thoughts 15 (more like a long journal entry...)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

- So… I was driving my chair from the car to the office after getting some Arbys (my current lunch venue of choice) and I was zoned out in my thoughts driving full speed. At the last second I noticed I was about to go up a ramp on the sidewalk and I hit it at pretty much full speed. My legs flailed about and one foot landed in front of the foot rest. In the process of trying to put it back on I ended up pulling my foot out of my shoe, by myself, in front of the office haha. I ended up going inside to get my team lead and have him but my shoe back on. It’s been an office joke since…

Saturday, February 26, 2011

- I worked a 12 hour workday today for quite possibly the first time ever. Well, first time for 12 hours of the same job anyway. We’re upgrading to a new version and apparently it’s a lot slower and no one noticed, so everyone was in crazy mode trying to gather data and find improvements.

- So I was scratching Marie’s back and chatting until 3 AM and I realized something. I like giving back scratches just as much, if not more, than receiving them. I think with most people it’s a “if I scratch your back (which isn’t enjoyable for me) then later you’ll scratch my back (which is enjoyable for me” and so both people do something they don’t like to get something they do like. With me though, just the fact that whoever I’m scratching is enjoying it is reward enough for me to love doing it, I love making them happy. And although I like getting back scratches too, it’s not any way related to my motivation for giving them.

- So I was driving and I looked over and saw a guy driving with only one finger on the steering wheel. And my first thought was something like “oh yeah, I’ll bet that guy thinks he’s awesome, driving with one finger.” But then I was like “wait, I do stuff like that and also feel awesome.” There’s something about the male mentality that’s like “yeah, check me out, I’m in total control of this 2 ton vehicle moving at 65 MPH with a SINGLE FINGER! I am awesome!”

- So there’s so much to be said about Marie, and I don’t think I’ll do it justice in this sitting. At this point it’s one of those “I don’t want to write about it unless I’m going to do it proper justice, and I don’t think I’ll do it proper justice today so I won’t write today” things. But at this point it’s at that “it’s a choice between not doing it justice or never writing anything at all” so I’m going with the former. I’m actually writing this on March 27^th btw.

First of all I believe it’s actually partly Marie’s fault I haven’t updated my blog in a while. You see, she makes me happy. I’ve found that I most often blog insights about things wrong in my life that I’d like to fix. With Marie in it though, I’ve mostly felt so happy that I haven’t had much of a need to write, and even the things that are wrong I talk to her about so I still get it outside just me, thus less drive to blog. Also I haven’t been bringing my lappy to work so I’d have to re-enter my apartment every day to get it, at which point the drive to do something like this magically vanishes. However! I do love writing still! And so when I had thoughts or stories I tried to write just a few words that would remind me of my thought so I could finish writing it out later! Today I’m doing that, and there’s some notes about Marie along the way so I figured I’d put this small essay here towards the start.

That being said, Kalia, Marie and I used to get food together all the time close to before Kalia left on her mission. They were both attractive but I mostly debated dating Kalia at the time. A monthish ago Kalia got back from her mission and I was excited to see if she had calmed down a bit, since that was my only reason I didn’t try to date her. I always knew she is wicked smart and has a serious side, but her bubbly side was just too much for me as far as dating goes. I have concluded that that’s just the way she has fun though. It’s entirely wholesome and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not for me. It’s like when you’re with people who just keep laughing histerically at their inside joke and you sit off to the side and watch. Anyway Kalia is great and I enjoy being around her but I’m unlikely to date her.

Later the first night I met up with Kalia though we met up with Marie, who I hadn’t seen since Kalia left if I’m not mistaken. And she was just so much more attractive to me than before. The 3 of us had so much fun! Me and Marie got talking about this dark dating experience she was on the tail end of and ended up talking until 3:30 (we kicked Kalia out at 12:00 cuz she was falling asleep haha). There was just a depth of personality to Marie that’s deeper than most the girls I’ve tried taking out lately, and it was very refreshing. She is also way smart and can keep up with witty banter, as well as having a strong enough backbone to stand up for herself or dish out teasing back, it was fun. Not to mention we got to have a super in depth conversation about motivations and intentions and so on…

The feeling of infatuation was there for the first 2 weeks or so. I was so excited to see her, and when people would ask how my dating life is I’d get a smile on my face that answered their question before I even started talking. Being around Marie just energized me, I was naturally my favorite me around Marie. Now, 6 or something weeks later, most of the above is still true. She still brings out my favorite side of me just by being near me, we still have amazing conversations, I still think there’s more too her than most the girls I take out. The only difference I can see is for some reason the infatuation is gone. The back of my mind tells me I don’t get to have her. She’s preparing for a mission, and there’s no doubt she’d bless many lives if she goes, so maybe I’m not supposed to hold her back. The way we have been dating has been very wholesome, we haven’t even kissed yet (despite discussing it various times, and staying up late talking frequently, which usually is a time where carnal resistance is down and I’ve been more likely to make stupid kissing decisions) so maybe the lack of romantic drive is to help keep me dating the right way, and we are dating, not exclusive but dating.

I almost want to compare this circumstance with Marie to Mallorie but there’s some huge differences. #1 With Marie I had that romantic drive at first, I don’t know what changed it but it has left for now. That being said I know I can feel that way about Marie. With Mallorie I never had that feel, I was hoping I could make it develop. #2 Marie energizes me just by being close, it doesn’t take any conscious effort to bring out my favorite side of me around her. Mallorie I still had to try, and I don’t think it ever came out like it does with Marie. #3 I genuinely love talking to Marie, every time. I don’t know why, and I still feel like a jerk about it, but sometimes with Mallorie I’d start to zone out and I’d consciously reign myself back in. I guess the only real way the two circumstances are similar is that both of them are brilliant motivated amazing women who for some reason I don’t feel a romantic drive for right now and I don’t know why. My best guess is I still have a subconscious drive for a trophy wife in all aspects, which is ridiculous. Anyway, enough about that for now.

- So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet but I decided to only play WoW once a week, Thursdays at the moment. We (me and the roomies) want to start raiding since we’ve done most of the small stuff a bunch and it’s getting old. So we got a pug raid together and didn’t pull off a kill. But the next night (while I was on a date with Marie) they formed up again and downed a boss without me. Now normally, when Final Countdown or someone downed a boss on the night I missed, my instinct would be “ughh! Dang I missed it!” but I’m happy to announce I was just like “nice! Awesome for them!” and I didn’t really feel any jealousy about not being there. It’s a good sign to me that the game has no hold on me anymore.

- So I love doing my public speaking message and sharing my story and singing for people and what not, but I decided the chapel is my least favorite place to do so. When I’m talking, I like to joke around and make people laugh and such, and it just seems like the chapel is meant to be more a place of reverence, and so people are more reluctant to laugh, and I’m less reluctant to be as spontaneous with what I’m saying and such. It’s all perceptions and not any rules anyone’s set, but regardless, the perceptions are there, and I’d rather speak in other rooms if I have the choice.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

- I certainly don’t have all people figured out. Sometimes it seems like a safe assumption that if someone cares about one thing, they’ll care about another. Like, I’ve always found it weird when a girl who bears a strong powerful testimony shows up wearing something super immodest. I’m tempted to think if you feel the gospel that strongly then immodesty is a easy decision. Anyway another manifestation of that was today. Last Sunday of the month, I knew I should do home teaching, but I was like “meh, I don’t feel like it” home teaching motivation can be hard. But, as I was about to head to my parents house, Micah had the motivation to bring it up! And I jumped on board. In fact I was so happy from spending the day with my family and Marie that home teaching kind of became a Corby show (which I feel a bit bad about, but one of the girls was pretty grumpy at the start and giggling at the end, so I think it was good…) anyway the interesting thing to me is I wouldn’t expect someone who knowingly stays up late every Saturday night so much so that they sleep through half of church regularly, despite the fact it’s at 12:40, to be motivated with home teaching. But he was, and I’m glad.

- I did go home to my family today though, and I brought Marie over. We ended up around the piano for like an hour or two singing songs with half the family, and it was amazing. I am SOO blessed to have such a functional family and I am extremely and eternally grateful for it, I love showing them off haha.

- I was so happy on the way back to Orem I did my improv singing. I just make up a tune and sing the words I see on road signs as driving, and then fill in between to make it rhyme and stuff, it’s super fun.

Monday, February 28, 2011

- So I was up until like 3 AM talking to Marie Sunday night (yes this happens a lot, no we’re not even on kissing terms yet.) I swear I used to function better on low sleep than I do now… anyway, Monday I was totally out of it, I felt so useless at work haha. Anyway I came home and was parked in my traditional spot in the apartment, and Neal came in and was talking to me. About 10 minutes later he turned the lights on and I looked quickly left and right, I was genuinely confused at what was happening for a full second before I realized “oh, he turned the light on. Wow.”

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

- I had a thought, maybe Lib is such a hurried CAN and messes things up because he focuses on tasks and not objectives. IE: I can get out of the shower and he can dry me and I’ll still be wet in various places which I have to point out. I have a theory in his mind he’s thinking something like “now I need to rub the towel on his body” and so he does, and he’s done. Rather than thinking “now I need to make sure he’s dry”, which would cause one to check if I’m still wet after doing the towel. I didn’t explain that well…

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

- I had two awesome insights at Sister Terry’s institute class today. First, when I saw Marie this “first time again” she was so much more attractive to me and I couldn’t place it. I even brought it up and she (in all seriousness) said it’s because her hair is long now, it used to be short. I knew that wasn’t it but I couldn’t place it so I didn’t argue haha. I figured it out at institute though! We talked about “the light in their eyes”, how you can see someone’s confidence and purity in their eyes. And the more you have yourself the more you can discern in others. Whether I had more now and recognized it better in her, or she had more and so it was more apparent (my guess is it’s both) she definitely had that, and it was beautiful to me.

- The other thing we talked about at institute was that commons attract. If you want to marry a spiritual giant, be a spiritual giant! I realized me and Marie are on the same page spiritually too. Neither of us feel like spiritual giants, but we both have a genuine desire to become one, to be valiant.

- Hmm, what does the whole commons attract principle mean for people who aren’t progressing or making efforts?...

Thursday, March 03, 2011

- I started with Harmony health care (I had to switch since I’m not getting government aid anymore and they wouldn’t work with my old health care people) and I met my new CNA, Mike, today. He’s a bit better than Lib, but similarly quirky. Not the brightest, and talks a lot, also repeats himself a lot, also can’t talk and do anything at the same time…

- Haha a few times at work when my sight was getting blurry I started doing “eye exercises”. And I only have Marie to blame.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

- It seems like I go in 5 day phases of being thoughtful and then nothing. Also, playing WoW seems to put me in the non thoughtful state. Thus the limit haha. I’m going to start bringing my laptop to work so I have it with me to write afterwards too though so that should be good (remember I’m writing this on the 27^th…)

- So as I was leaving my subdivision I saw a family in unfinished house taking pictures. I realized they’re always together with family, while this phase of my life is just peppered with family. We don’t ever really get the chance to go back, sad. WAIT! I’m moving home at the end of April! YES!!!

- I just had the thought I’m actually grateful I feel like I’m imposing when it comes to lifting my chair or carrying me into a house. If it ever gets to the point where I don’t feel like I’m imposing I’ll probably come across needy or demanding. I like feeling grateful when people assist me with things.

Monday, March 07, 2011

- So the whole 125ish minute drive to my job from my apartment has a slight incline to it, which is PERFECT! Because I’m usually more light headed in the morning than any other time, and reclining helps. So the incline helps my light headedness at the time I need it most in the right direction :).

- So I used to shiver for literally hours after showers, it’s usually not so bad anymore. But what upset me was today for some reason I felt fine after a shower until about 10:30, and THEN I got the shivers! What the crap? I’d either think I was cold the whole time, or I was warm the whole time, there was notging I did at work (to my knowledge) that would have brought out the cold an hour and a half into work, I was just in my cubicle! Oh well.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

- Mike isn’t the best listener… and despite me telling him YES bowel care Tuesday! He forgot, and I was late to work. I was kind of seething and a bit snappy which made me feel bad. Mostly I yelled at him in my mind on the way to work though, and then felt better, ahhh…

- My job is amazing! I was totally blessed! Not only do I enjoy the job, and get paid a lot, the people are awesome! It’s almost like it’s company policy when going to talk to someone on another team that you need to joke around for a minute before discussing business. AND! They even get my sense of humor! I asked my team lead why I needed to upload a future change on the server and set an alarm to implement it later, why don’t I just keep it on my computer? And he said “well, so say you broke your neck tomorrow…” AWESOME! Haha.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

- I’m a jerk. So I was getting dressed, and Mike asked “which shirt?” and I say “the green button up in the top right”, he goes “this one?” and grabs a black sleeve next to it. I say “no, the green button up”, he grabs a blue sleeve in the other side of it and says “this one?” I say “no, the green button up.” Finally he grabs the right on and asks “this one?” and I say “yes. Notice how it’s green.” Now, that was a kind of snippy thing to say, and I felt like a jerk, but I feel like color recognition is a reasonable thing to expect from any human being over age 8. All the same, I decided I need to lower my expectations of Mike’s intelligence and just be willing to repeat myself as many times as needed to make sure I’m taken care of right every morning. Luckily one thing he seems to get well is putting clothes on me in such a way that the shirts don’t end up bunched or twisted. That’s a big one, and hard to explain to people who don’t get it. So I can handle repeating simple instructions...

- “Times are changing.” “That’s what they do.” – Codex Alera book 6

Friday, March 11, 2011

- This is slightly terrible, but I’ve been progressively improving my expectations of physical in a relationship. Honestly I would absolutely love it if I had literally no drive to make out until I was married. That would be great, there’s really no need for it. also honestly I am not at that point… however I am very safely in the “no kissing just for fun” zone. And I realized something funny. I think I used to plan dates with the possibility of make-out time (even though it rarely happened) and I don’t anymore haha.

- It’s still slightly awkward to me that there’s a good amount of technical knowledge girls at work haha, but it’s cool.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

- ‎"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleyways, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose change."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

- “who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn’t seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity”

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

- I had Landon over and we had some good chats. A noteworthy insight I got out of it was about Micah. I mentioned the whole “doesn’t prioritize getting up for church but brings up home teaching” thing, and Landon was like “well that’s easy, Micah is still a good guy and wants the best for others. So something like home teaching is still important to him.” And he went on to say something along the lines that Micah just doesn’t think himself worth it or something, and so he (probably unconsciously…) sabotages things to improve himself. But he still tries to do his best for others.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

- I wonder if some of the less infatuation I have for Marie is because of the less physical? I hope not, I like having a clean conscience about all our interactions.

- Sooo... I was just eating a granola bar while reading a forum about an issue in my code, and then I looked at my hand and was like "AH! How did I get ink all over my finger!?" but it was chocolate. Good times.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

- Sometimes I do feel like an emotional wall. I wonder if I need to take less action to nullify emotional pain in order to experience more joy? I doubt it, I feel disappointment and pain and betrayal and what not, I just don’t dwell on it. And I feel joy still, anyway it was just a random thought.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

- Some mornings it’s more annoying to rely on someone else to get up than others. I asked Mike to come at 6:30, planning on being up by 7, and having 90 minutes of solitary meditation time, or time to call mechanic shops or doctors, just me time. He showed up at 7:10, and took 50 minutes (usually it takes 20) to get me up. Then at 8 he asked if he could putter and clean for a while cuz he couldn’t see his next patient until 9, and he talked at me the whole time. I was nice to him this time (I’m improving) but I was still seething inside haha. I think he picks up on it a little and tries to fix it by talking more, the problem is the talking is why I’m seething, so it’s like trying to get out of a hole by digging faster.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

- Drew Strunk got a job at my work, and it has been way fun. We talk on skype (IM, not audio calls) all day and do lunch half the time. He’s like 4 cubicles over. Good times J

- On that note, Kim at the front desk is working to get SRS to hire her an office assistant. I think it’d be so awesome if I could get Micah that job! He mentioned before office jobs are a type he likes. I mentioned it to him and he seemed to shoot down the idea, maybe it was just a bad day though… I’ll still get him the details once they get what they’re looking for put together.

- I made a financial excel spreadsheet. Factoring in all my fixed expenses like taxes, cell phone, insurance, tithing, 10% savings (which is basically profit), fast offering… etc. For variable expenses (food, gas, fun) I almost exclusively use my American Express card, and over the past 13 months it’s been an average of $550, so I decided I may average more like $700. Then, if I start paying $700/mo to Mom to pay off the remaining $3750 balance on my van, I’ll STILL have $300/mo left over. Very happy.

- Oh, so other dating. I’ve still felt a drive to date despite the fact Marie makes me so happy (which makes me feel bad, but it is what it is) so the last two weeks in a row I’ve taken Marie Bentley, Alicia Ingleby, and Jessica Martin on a date. They’ve all been great. Alicia doesn’t have many people to talk to and most of her friends have moved away so I think she mostly enjoys talking but there’s no romantic interest, she’s the hardest to read though. I usually text her a little during the day too (she responds like every 4 hours haha). Jessica I feel connected with and we have fun talking, but I don’t know if she’s romantically interested or just wants a close friend, she really wants to spend time together though, that’s genuine (Alicia I feel like I have to push a little to get her time). And Marie is amazing J Actually I know she’s going to read this, which is fine because almost everything on here we’ve already discussed haha.

- Oh! I got my recommend to receive my endowments! My bishop years ago told me I could receive them then if I really wanted, but I didn’t feel the drive. Honestly my understanding of it is that I’m making the same promises, but stronger. So I’ll be blessed better for valiance and be held more accountable for sin. Previously, I realized my make out expectations, while not blatently sinful, were less than valiant, and I didn’t want additional accountability for those actions. Now, I am genuinely striving and trying to be fully valiant, and I don’t ever want to regress if I can help it. So it seems like a great time to have additional blessings to help me stay on the path, and additional deterrents to motivate me not to turn back.

- Also! It’s time to get out of my apartment. I want to live with people who all go to church on time, who hold and fulfill their church callings, who dislike media which is unwholesome, who are striving to progress in work and school, who want to socialize and create an environment that’s inviting to others. And it’s just not working anymore here. Also I want to get away from this complex where there is a constant rotation of freshmen girls who don’t take dating seriously and just want to have fun. I’m graduated and working full time, I’m moving on to a different phase of life then girls just starting school, and over time I’ll relate to them less and less. I’ve loved my stay here, it’s been a great experience, but it’s time to get out.

That being said, CJ wants to move out with me and Bryan. That would be soooo awesome! He’s not ready financially yet though. Not like moving out is every financially the “best” decision. But the other great thing about moving out besides independence is the enhanced social which just doesn’t happen when living at home for some reason. CJ is fairly content socially though so he’s just not ready to move out yet. My contract expires in April though. As mentioned I need to get out of Parkway still, and I don’t want to move in with new/random people for just the Summer while waiting for CJ, so I might as well move home, it’s a great environment. I might end up there longer than the Summer too, but I’ll probably never have the chance to be around my family on a daily basis like this ever again. So it’ll be great, and worth it. We’ll probably try to do game nights or other social events anyway, which will still be a step up from the female social at my apartment. And since I work in Orem I can still take girls in this area out to dinner after work if I want to see them, so my association with people out here won’t die. I can even listen to a book on tape for the half-hour drive to and from work! it’ll be great.

- in conclusion, life is great. Spiritually it’s great, dating is great, social will be great, my home environment will be great, financially and vocationally it’s great, my body is having some unpredictable reactions but it’s manageable and thus great. Life is great and I’m totally blessed right now, for which I’m extremely grateful J.