Random Thoughts 20 (8/28/2011)

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

- I realized something weird. I think I like reporting in, and telling my managers about my bug progress, and when I leave for lunch or what not. Odd.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

- Oook a few rants. So I was out to dinner with a new friend (Julia) and she made a comment along the lines of “you like to have every night planned, huh?” it had a “you’re not very spontaneous, are you?” energy to me, and I wanted to deny it, because I consider myself a spontaneous person. But in truth lately, I haven’t been. Or at least if I am technically a spontaneous personality, I’ve made so many plans I haven’t had time to be spontaneous. I really plan most nights.

I used to be super spontaneous. I was great at living in the moment. I used to drive around to friends houses late at night and throw marshmallows at their window to get their attention just to chat a while. Even when I threw parties in high school I didn’t have any rhyme or reason. It’s not like I was known for having a monthly party. If I felt like throwing a party, I did. Even when I moved out, my instinct any time I went to get food was to check if I could find companionship in the process.

Now, somehow, if I don’t have anything planned I feel useless. Part of my contentment I know as that even if everyone said no, I’d still have video games to play. I feel mostly lame playing video games alone now though (although they’re a great social activity), and I don’t have any other consistent activity I enjoy. All of this basically adds up to me being less content.

I had an “ah-ha!” while praying the other night though. I have not been acting on the confidence I have that everything happens for a reason. I have been clean, and going to the temple every week, and so I have this expectation that I should be worthy to be guided into constant growth opportunities or “useful” things to do. But my life hasn’t been living up to that expection. On days I’m doing nothing I feel like I’m failing somehow. But, I feel at peace having to made the choice to stay home (for now). I think as long as I stay worthy and listen, I can stop feeling guilty about “wasting” time when no other plans came to fruition.

- At the moment I’m still terrible at vegging, when did this happen?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

- “For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one hacking at the root.” – Henry Thorough

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

- I titled the left side of my left monitor towards me an inch so it's facing more directly at me, and I feel like everything has changed.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

- I used to be a professional handicapped person (I got paid for it!) but now it’s just a hobby J

Friday, August 26, 2011

- Where do construction workers park? There must be a construction bus.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

- So… Karissa Kim loves this fantasy series called the Belgariad. As a general rule, I Karissa Kim has good taste in stuff, so me and CJ decided to read the Belgariad series (5 medium-small books). I learned something interesting about my reading preferences though. To me, it’s not just enough to have a random adventure in a known world. I love discovering what’s going on along side with the characters. I realized this because the Belgariad drove me CRAZY. They give you a prophesy about the main character in the prologue, and then he embarks on an adventure with people who know who he is, and he keeps asking them who he is and they tell him to shut up or clean the dishes. Having the characters continually have discussions about something I the reader already knew about made me want to gouge my eyes out. And it took the rest of the joy of the small discoveries in the world out of it. I completed book two and the main character still doesn’t know he’s anything special. Two complete books of them lying to him and avoiding his questions! Ugh! On the way to Lake Powell we read Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card, instantly and massively intriguing. And while there I picked up Fablehaven and read the first third, also entertaining, and I decided “yeah, I’m not finishing the Belgariad…”

- I had a bit of an aha, which I haven’t thought through in detail so this will be kind of a free write. But, I have concluded I’m even worse at dating than I thought haha. Or at least, the way I date leads to the fact I have friends but no girlfriends. I mean, I even call many of my dates “friend dates” and if people are like “oooOOOooo a date! What are you going to do?” I’m usually like “I don’t know, she’s a good friend so I don’t think it really matters much”. I started doing these friend date style dates and luncheons because I found showing romantic interest scares girls off, and so I don’t even get a chance to spend time with them. At least if I put their mind at ease in regards to romantic pursuit we can spend time together, thus there’s theoretically a higher chance of romantic opportunity, and I think this theory is still moderately true. However, I think I may be unconsciously wussing out.

Most of my previous relationships have taken no effort to begin. I spent time around someone, we enjoyed each other’s company a lot, we end up spending progressively more time together, finally we discuss it and decide to date. That’s been the trend for almost all my relationships. I don’t know how to pursue otherwise. I can however think of one big difference. For example, back when I ended up dating Katie, I found her on MySpace, and the first message I wrote her I was pretty forward, forward enough that now I’d be worried a girl would think I’m a creeper if I said those same things. Part of the reason that worked with Katie was because she had a kind of low confidence, and responded well to being complimented. But part of it (and a part I feel I’ve lost) was my confidence. I knew I wasn’t a creeper, I didn’t analyze or second guess what effect my words might have on her, I just said what I wanted to. She told me she had emotional walls, I told her I didn’t care and it wouldn’t be a problem, and it wasn’t! And I had an excellent dating experience with her. Now, in a similar circumstance, I think I’d be less forward, and I’d back off a little when they expressed fear of relationships. As such, I remain single.

Another thing I realized is I don’t know how to keep momentum going. I basically take a wonderful girl on a date, we have an ok time but nothing magical happens. I take her out because I’d be totally open to something happening. But when the date is just ok, I figure it didn’t work this time, and I end up not going on another date for like three months. It’s like I have ten fires I’m trying to start and I keep rotating using my flint and steel on each pile for 20 seconds, and when it doesn’t start I try the next pile. By the time I get back to the first pile again, my previous efforts have left nothing to build on.

As always, I’m not really sure what to do with this information/theory. It’s like previously I just had the confidence, and me and someone clicked, and a relationship happened. I have frequently had such confidence lately, and been around people, and we didn’t click in a relationship way. So that alone isn’t it. As always it’s just not something I can force or plan to move forward with, especially given the uniqueness of each girl I may be interested in getting to know or pursue. But yeah, there’s a dating rant haha.

Random Thoughts 19 (7/28/2011) Primarily A Rant

Monday, July 11, 2011

- So, I was feeling anti-social and didn’t want to go to the activity tonight. I have somewhat mixed feelings on whether I should force myself to go when feeling socially lame or not. Sometimes I get there and get invigorated and I’m glad I went. But sometimes I go and I’m socially blah, in front of people I’m attracted to, and I’m sad I showed them that side of me haha. Today was close to the middle but leaning towards the “my blah showed up”. But overall it’s probably good that I went. Oh well.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

- I think I can be officially deemed a ‘former gamer’ at this point in my life. Someone asked if I play some new game that’s out and I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m proud of this haha.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I, am a maelstrom of emotion. Since graduating my fears of what might happen have come true. Which is funny now that I think about it. If I predicted this, why didn’t I do more to prepare/prevent it? the answer is simple, I felt like I was doing something about it, and maybe I’ve been doing well, but tonight, it just doesn’t feel like it’s been enough. Here’s what it is, I don’t feel like I’m progressing. I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything, I don’t feel like I’m growing into anything. I know this life is about learning, and I feel like I’m stagnant, and that every day that goes by is added to the useless category. Also, I entirely rationally realize this is irrational, even selfish as my mom has pointed out. Irrational because I AM growing, the stuff I’m learning at work is DEFINITELY valuable. I’m learning tons about work environments, management strategies, dealing with the specific people around me, coding techniques, cool development tools, and sound design patterns; All the while earning more than double my monthly spending. That, in its self, should probably be pretty satisfying. In addition to that, since I received my endowments on April 21^st I have been back to the temple literally every week. I do find some peace there, but mostly I go because I know it’s a good thing to do. I wish I was more motivated by the service aspect of it.

Which brings us to the selfishness of my whole outlook right now. Why should going to the temple (or doing anything really) be about me? Me feeling fulfilled, me feeling like I’m progressing, me gaining something at all. Why do I have this feeling I’m wasting time? And here’s the stupid part, you know what for some reason makes me feel like all these things wouldn’t be a waste of time? Marriage. For some reason, in my mind, once you hit marriage, time isn’t wasted, it’s kind of just like a “endure to the end” mode for your personal life, and a “provide a stable environment so you can have kids and they can progress too” mode. Money, is not motivating to me. An attribute I do still like by the way, and it’s funny that I’m frugal as I am when money is such a small deal in my mind. But I guess, to me, the whole purpose of money is to provide for a family. If not that… what? And another oddity, I see a friend going to China and teaching them language for 4 months as a really good thing to do, that counts as progression to me. It’s like another unique experience counts as progression… for them. But for some reason, the thought of doing such a thing myself doesn’t carry the same usefulness. Finding health care in China would be a lot trouble anyway. Maybe I do need to do something that extreme though.

All of this is particularly keen on my mind tonight because I had a plan, and it shifted, and now I feel like I’m floundering again. I’m currently living at home. For some reason, living at home keeps a semi constant shame in the back of my head. It’s funny how many people think I’m a yellow personality. If I were primarily a yellow, I guarantee I wouldn’t worry about wasting time this much. I need to get better at living in the moment. I’m good at doing it with individual circumstances. I don’t feel lame at work, or at FHE, or at church, or on a date, or with friends. I can just be in the moment and enjoy it there. Tangent, I still love my job, it actually keeps getting better even. Anyway, it’s just the nights I have nothing going that I feel this waste. Which is probably appropriate seeing as I’m doing nothing at the time. Go figure.

Anyway, I got a call from Dan Garner mid-summer wanting me to move to Provo with him and Alex King in August. Two huge social and spiritual studs from my Bluffdale Arts Council days. Epic! I prayed about it, didn’t really get an answer either way, and decided to go for it. I kept feeling uncomfortable like something wasn’t lined up yet and I shouldn’t sign the contract, but I did anyway. A few weeks passed, and I kept feeling more apprehensive about the whole thing. I can name specific “reasons” that came to mind, but at this point I’m pretty sure they were just excuses I was finding to justify my apprehension. Last night I prayed about it after a session, and honestly I still mostly got nothing, I’m basically basing my whole decision off the fact that the thought of moving out makes me more nervous than staying here. I’m not someone to allow myself to be ruled by my fears though. If it’s just me being insecure, I’ll go for it. But in my efforts to be as in tune to the spirit as possible, I’m trying to follow my gut instincts, even if I don’t see why, and even if it’s a tiny thing. Moving out despite my gut instinct was the only exception, where I ignored my gut. Well, now I’m not moving out. Surprise! I talked to my wonderful mom about it, I think I’m going to start going to Neuro-Works (physical therapy) and see if there’s anything new I can learn, or if there’s ways I’ve atrophied that I can repair. And it feels like less of a waste when I write it now than it did when I first had the idea. In fact “I’ feel less like a waste than I did when I started writing this whole blurb. Venting is great. Ahhh… Anyway, I’ve left out a ton of details, but I don’t care. Having put my decision down in writing and throwing it to wind has made me feel better. Goodnight Neverland!

Oh, I haven’t been adding posts for my temple miles (since I haven’t been posting at all…) they have been as follows starting June 24 to the present day. 359.9, 317, 344.7, 434.4, 136.8 (twice in one week!), 435.2, and 451.7.

Random Thoughts 18 (6/19/2011)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

- 152.8 miles since the temple (went last night)! Oh yeah! And we did sealings with Brother Litster, he was amazing. I loved it more than my endowments haha.

Friday, May 13, 2011

- Started listening to the Miracle of Forgiveness while driving. There was a great quote along the lines of “we can’t just hope for circumstances to help us avoid sin, we must create them.”

- I had the thought my friends who can’t seem to find peace but continually struggle with pornography need to break free. They are perfect examples of Mormon 2:13 “for their sorrowing was not unto repentance, because of the goodness of God; but it was rather the sorrowing of the damned, because the Lord would not always suffer them to take happiness in sin.”

- So I’ve been bailed on by 3 different women in a single 7 day period, and I was kinda frustrated with women because of it. I don’t have enough time to spend time with everyone I’d like to spend time with. Is it lame of me if I make even less time for girls whom I’m pretty sure I have no dating potential with?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

- 715 Miles before the temple. Thus far I’ve successfully gone once a week every week since my endowment :D I hope I can keep it up forever. This was a Tuesday-Saturday gap though, I’ll bet if I go the same night every week (thinking Wednesday or Thursday) it’d be around 500 miles regularly.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

- So it’s been an interesting week at work. My team leads boss, Darek, the only person at work who still intimidates me for some reason, even though he has done or said nothing to make him so that I can think of, has been out for 10 days at various things. Tuesday, Andy, my team lead, asked how fast I can get my stuff done, stuff he’s been telling me wasn’t due for weeks yet, I told him like 2 weeks. The next day he quit! Nobody knew he was going to haha. We’ve reworked everything down to 1 week hopefully, and then the day after memorial day I’m taking a week off to finally have the damage done years ago to my urinary tract surgically repaired. (the source of my “I can’t stop the bleeding, but besides that I’m fine!” story)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

- 359.6 temple miles. I need a cool name for this…

Friday, June 03, 2011

- So my favorite Christmas song, I celebrate the day by Relient K, says “from the first time that you opened your eyes did you realize that you would be my savior?” Which is a kind of fun thought/question. But we know the answer! D&C 93 states a bunch of times that “He received not a fullness at first”, and that’s quoted by Christ about Himself!

- Am I needier than I need to be? The one night I spent in the hospital after my recent surgery we needed one more pillow for my 4 pillow set up, and my mom offered to give me hers, she said she could do without. We ended up finding another pillow anyway, but I had a thought like, “wait, so Mom is going to sleep in discomfort so I don’t have to? At what point am I being super picky when I could just be a bit uncomfortable like everyone else?” I’m not expressing this well… So I get uncomfortable sometimes if I lay on my back too long. In the hospital they used to roll me every 2 hours so I wouldn’t get pressure sores. So when I’m uncomfortable I ask to roll because I assume it’s a pressure sore developing. But where’s the line of when it’s a medically good idea, or I’m just being extra picky? I’m pretty sure I do a decent job of staying towards the medical necessity side, but still…

- hmm, I had a note in here that said “last temple visit” that’s supposed to remind me of a thought I had, but I don’t remember what it was about haha.

- Ok, so I spent most my week laying on my side after the surgery ‘cuz I have to keep pressure off the incision. There’s not a lot of things one can do while laying on their side. I started playing this turn based space conquest game called Galactic Civilizations 2. Great replay value, it’s one of those games where everything is randomly generated. Anyway, I was up until 3 AM two nights in a row playing. Not ok! Haha, with WoW if midnight struck and I was like “meh, I’ve got nothing going tomorrow, I might as well keep playing.” An alarm would go off in my head and say “NOOO!! You’re justifying! Turn it off NOW!” and I would (also note, I haven’t played WoW since the end of April. My subscription is inactive even). Anyway my “you’re addicted! Turn it off!” alarm is more powerful with WoW specifically, so I didn’t heed it when I had the same thought with Galactic Civilizations, but I think I need to heed it regardless of the game.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

- 242.6 mile temple visit today, kinda cheated though. I had the bladder surgery on Tuesday and can’t sit in my chair for long before the incision starts to hurt. And I didn’t want to leave in the middle of an endowment session or anything, so I decided to come read my scriptures on the temple ground. I probably won’t let doing this count every time, but today it’s the best I can do. Also, like 30 of those miles weren’t actually me, they were taking the car for repairs and back haha.

- A random thing I’ve noticed from having various CNA’s, different people but very different amounts of toothpaste on their toothbrush. I put relatively little. When you see commercials put a massive chunk of toothpaste on the toothbrush, is that really how you do it?...

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

- D&C 101:5, we can’t be ‘sanctified’ (perfected) if we don’t endure chastisement.

- Went to the Oquirrh temple, 140.8 miles (shortest ever!). The Jordan River is closed for 2 weeks. Note: Oquirrh is slightly less wheelchair friendly haha.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

- I think I know more people with multiple jobs than with no job.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

- So, darkness isn’t actually something, right? It’s simply the absence of light. If there’s no light, the natural state of a room is dark. I was talking to Marie, and the subject of being bored came up. She said “why should I bored?” like there was no reason to be bored. And it got me thinking, for me, if there’s no reason not to be bored, that’s when I’m usually bored (as a kid anyway. I haven’t been bored in quite a while now…) but to her, if there was no stimulus, her natural state was content. For me, if there was no stimulus, my natural state was likely bored. It made me think about friends who are depressed unless there’s a reason to be happy. Me I’m happy unless there’s reason to be sad. So if there was nothing going on in both lives, one would be depressed and one would be happy (but possibly bored haha). It was just interesting to me how different people can be. The same circumstances (absence of circumstances counts as a circumstance in this context) can have such a different effect on different people.

Friday, June 17, 2011

- It’s sad how often people don’t act on recommendations they know they’d enjoy because they don’t have enough time. Or at least it’s annoying to me ‘cuz I want to do/read/see/hear all this stuff!!

- Realization! When I play video games it’s usually a waste of time overall and makes me a bit more bland (this isn’t news). Reading a book seems similarly useless to those around me, but! Usually it makes my hyper. More worth it!! still just a leisure activity…

Saturday, June 18, 2011

- 750.8 Temple miles. Draper Temple this time, I liked it a lot J. It’s also funny the contrast between how helpful some people are, and how some people freak out and don’t know what to do.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

- So I’m hitting a point where I’m really feeling the… weight? Uselessness? Something… of not progressing my life. I like the feeling of progression, I knew that’s something I’d miss when I graduated, and right now I miss it. My life goals have been pretty much “get to the point where you can support a family, and start a family.” Well, I got to the first one, and the second one I don’t have much control over (I’m still dating, that’s about all I can do.) So really all I’ve been doing the last few months is working, and going to the temple every week, both good things to do, but both of which to me are more like just survival, and not progression. Yes I’m accumulating money, which is good I guess, but money just isn’t a motivator for me. I guess to me the sole purpose of money is to provide for yourself and a family, without a family it’s kind of pointless, and I don’t need this much just for myself. Anyway, I’m not the type to mope for long, I like to take action, so I’m looking into moving out again sooner rather than later, and going back for my masters degree.

Gimpman Continues May 2011

So, I actually have some random thoughts I need to turn into complete sentences and post... But on Sunday I did this on my website instead!

Gimpman Continues (May 2011)

Random Thoughts 17 (5/8/2011)

Monday, April 18, 2011

- Why must humans need so much sleep? I’m not ok with this.

- We are taught to avoid the appearance of evil, but for most of my life I think I’ve worried more about appearing overzealous than I’ve worried about appearing evil. I think I was mostly striving to appear ‘normal’. I don’t want to be normal anymore though. If people deem me overzealous, whatev.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

- For the record, finding health care to come at 6:00 every day is difficult.

- Mike didn’t show again this morning, I didn’t end up out of bed till 11:00. I’m excited to move home to a stable environment with backup help.

- When sitting in my dormant car, every once in a while I hear it make some electric/mechanical shifting noises and I don’t know why.

- I fasted today in preparation for receiving my endowments tomorrow! But I think it made me moderately grumpy :P.

- Also, I have a weeks growth of beard (it looks full on day 2.5 btw) and I finally grow in evenly enough to not look terrible! All the same I’m shaving it tonight, and I’m excited about it.

Friday, April 22, 2011

- Received my endowments in the temple last night. Not sure what much more to add, I’m excited to be wearing garments J. Also, a sad 5969.4 miles since I was last inside the temple. Hopefully I’ll be able to go weekly now that I have people who can change me besides health care. Oh, also interesting to note, it’s 27.7 miles from home to work. So 55ish miles daily even if I don’t go to lunch..

- Oh! I completed our wards “read the BoM in 100 days” challenge yesterday! I was 4 days ahead even! I’m not sure what I want to do for my standard reading now…. A BoM chapter and a D&C chapter a day?...

Monday, April 25, 2011

- Hmm, difficult new goal. I started reading “how to make friends and influence people”. The first chapter is all about how critiquing people has never ever motivated someone, and how people love people that talk good all the time. Particularly this quote hit me “Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody” – Benjamin Franklin.

Now, I don’t think I’m terrible at tearing down people to their face. In fact I think I’m pretty good about building my female friends up, that’s the feedback they give me anyway. However, I sure can complain about ways people have wrong/annoyed me. Luckily I usually (keyword ‘usually’, I’m not perfect) complain to a friend, or my blog, but then I approach the actual person in a more constructive way. This doesn’t count as speaking ill of no man though. Thoughts? Suggestions?

- I ran into Professor Knutson at Nicoitalia pizza today, he brought up a PhD again. I talked to Drew about it… a big reason I started working is because if I do work on a masters where I study development environments, it’s probably important that I at some point actually participate in one! And I’ve definitely been getting that experience here. In fact I’ve been loving it. However If I ever get a masters it’s probably got to be before I start relying on my income bracket. I think I’ll quit my job and start a masters once CJ can move to BYU with me. At last that’s when I’ll seriously consider it again… I still feel like just a kid, the idea of me having a PhD is just super weird to me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

- D & C 6:7 “7 Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made 'rich. Behold, he that hath 'eternal life is rich.”

So, wisdom = riches (God style) and riches (God style) = eternal life. Thus by the transitive property wisdom = eternal life. Thank you and good night.

- Oh, for scripture reading I decided it doesn’t matter where as long as it’s 5+ pages a day. So I’ll just keep track where I am in the BoM and D&C and Old Testament and read a total of 5 (or more, I always end on chapter ends) pages. I have amazing dates when I make sure to read my 5 pages that day :P.

Friday, April 29, 2011

- I like this, I don’t ever remember reading this before. D&C 10:28 “Verily, verily, I say unto you, wo be unto him that lieth to deceive because he supposeth that another lieth to deceive, for such are not exempt from the justice of God.”

- I thought this was funny, I’m such a strange person. (on FB chat)

[Kate Doty]

Report · 11:06am

one more paper....

[Corby Campbell]

oh paper is easy to find, need me to send a sheet over?

[Kate Doty]

hardy har har

so i am going to portland tonight

[Corby Campbell]

Report · 11:09am

Hardy har har, everyone knows Portland is not a real place, just like snipes aren't real, and you don't actually need to wipe after pooping.

- I totally would not get along with another me. I love being unique. It’s probably a result of my pride :).

- Maybe people are just worried about what HR might do to them, but I’ve noticed no one in the workplace treats me with a “hey buddy!” attitude. They all assume I’m fully confident, even if I run into people from other companies. Nice.

- Employee filling up my gas at Chevron, “Have a safe trip!”
Me, “you too!... to the… store…”

Dangit.

- There are many different types of nerd, I’d guess over 50% of the people I know consider themselves a nerd in one way or another. As a straight up computer nerd though, the sample of people in my life may be fairly biased in favor of nerdostiy.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

- 1125 Miles for the second endowment session.

- So someone at work complimented my humorous wit over the cubicle wall. My answer was something along the lines of “thanks, and what I love about this place is everyone has a similar wit” but it still seems a bit cocky. What I SHOULD have said is something like “thanks, but everyone else here is way wittier than I am.” Humility Corby, humility.

- I still have a hard time deciding between the line of “well, she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me, I’ll just quit trying with her.” And “I’ll keep trying until I change her mind” haha. Most of the marriage stories I know, one person wasn’t interested in the other at first, so do I need to persist or back off with girls? Blecht.

Random Thoughts 16 (4/17/2011)

Monday, March 28, 2011

- "I'm finding that bravery is measured by faith" The sound of grace – the workday release

- I feel a bit of anxiety for people who keep droning on a long story during their testimony after testimony meeting should have ended, and it’s really pointless. Why? Do I want to protect them or something?

- I love the sun. If I was locked in solitary confinement it wouldn’t matter how they fed me, I’d die due to lack of sun. And I realized something I like about spring! I can sit in the sun indefinitely without overheating. I LOVE the feel of the sun on my skin.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

- “A wise man trades that which he cannot keep for that which he cannot lose.”

- I suspect people don’t realize doing the dishes is a daily task.

- Sunday night Marie came and played Bang with Steph and Grant, and 2 of their friends. Me and Marie acted like a couple fairly naturally I’d say haha. There was even one point where I teased her and she started coming in to kiss me but stopped when she realized what she was doing, and it was SO funny! No kissing still though :P

- So, I was cleaning up my desktop, and I started dragging icons around to fill in the gaps, and randomly I grabbed the scriptures and dragged them to fill a hole on the top of the screen, and my brain went “wait, the top? I someone looks at your desktop the top is likely the first thing they’ll see. Do you want to look like some super Mormon?” and I paused and was like, “yep, yep I do.” And there it resides.

- So I just got out of institute, so maybe I’m in a ‘over-zealous’ state, but for some reason my thoughts turned to Neal. I don’t know the thoughts of his heart, but from my observations, Neal is one step from being the guy he was in high school. He doesn’t take school seriously and he doesn’t care (although he’s trying to sign up for classes), he doesn’t keep the Sabbath day holy, he watches rated R movies like they’re any other movie, he doesn’t have a calling, and to my knowledge he doesn’t say his prayers or read his scriptures. The only outward action I see him doing is going to church, which is good. But he often leaves portions of it for food. I know him and Andrew are crazy work out nuts and they get so hungry it’s ridiculous, but 3 hours? Eat before and after? Maybe move the meal schedule around just a little on Sundays so that it works? It just seems funny to me. Every time I start giving Neal crap about my perceived lack of effort on his part he points out ways he’s doing better than I’m giving him credit, so it’s likely I’m being too harsh, but it’s just the feeling I keep getting. I’ve been trying to prod him on occasion for a few months, but the rated R movie thing I’d say is like a last two weeks thing. From my possibly over-zealous over-harsh perspective that seems like a step backwards still, but who am I to say? I just hope he finds something or someone who makes him want to be the guy he was when he was in the elders quorum presidency again. He talks about how happy he was with that many callings and serving people and what not still, I don’t understand why he doesn’t see himself drifting further and further from that guy. The phrased “lulled into carnal security” comes to mind. Apparently the way I’ve tried to call him out doesn’t help though, I’m not the guy for the job. Maybe Andrew?...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

- I seem to have a really powerful sense of chivalry, at least in regards to paying for a woman’s meal. Even when not on official dates, or in group settings, I tend to pay for one of the girls meals. Eating a meal with a girl or more and not paying for one just feels weird to me. And I quickly (possibly inaccurately, but hey) judge a guy who takes a girl on a date and expects her to pay for herself as a douchebag. But it made me wonder, what instilled this so strongly in me? I can think of events, or just powerful memories tied to various other values I hold dear, but I can’t even remember a specific conversation where I was told the guy always pays. *shrug*

- So the lock mechanism under the steering wheel decided to not release as I was waiting to pick up a date (Jessica Martin). I sat here with the car on for 15 minutes (she’s running late) and then tried again and it freed me. I’m writing this from inside, she hasn’t come out yet. I hope it works though, this night could become adventurous J.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

-So follow up to yesterday’s post. First of all the lock mechanism worked and that was fine, so muhdunno… second, at my institute class (which was what I was doing immediately before meeting up with Jessica) there’s some cute girls I’ve been trying slightly to spend time with, the last few weeks I offered to drive them home because I know they take the bus. This week I didn’t offer but they ran up to my car and asked for one and I was like ”for sure!” we’d even got out of institute early so it wouldn’t make me late. And I told them I had a date and one of them recommended I take her to this Thai place, but I was pretty sure I didn’t like Thai food. However, I wasn’t terribly hungry, so I was willing to be adventurous with food preferences, so when I got Jessica in the car I was like “are there any weird types of food you like?” and she says “I dunno, not really, just Thai.” Perfect! Turns out I loved the food. Then we discussed her boy problems the rest of the night, I got to see new sides of her it was fun.

- Design meeting at work! So I have a task to create two forms that allows our users to make and send email and text templates. I made mock design wiki page examples and labeled them and stuff, and then we have a design meeting to go over what I had planned and either change/approve it. I was pretty nervous because since I wrote it and I was going to code it I felt like I’d be the center of attention/decision making etc… but! It was me, and the PM(project manager) and a chief architect, and my team lead, and a QA lead, and it ended up just being one big collaborative creative process which in my opinion was SO fun! Just bouncing ideas like “what’s the difference between cancel all and close? Do we need both? This button makes more sense next to here then there. When they click save which name does it save? Should it be case sensitive?” etc. and everyone had equal voice/sway and everyone offered positive and negative feedback… it was just fun brainstorming. Nerdy yes, but I love my job, and I love the people at this company.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

- It’s so awesome to watch my family in action, even in little things like making breakfast or taking care of the grand kids. I warn Dad that baby Drew’s unhappy, Dad brings Drew to the floor, Mason notices Drew ate a lego, Cj gets it out and distracts Drew while Ryan gets bigger toys for Drew to play with until Angie puts him to bed. Everyone was only inconvenienced for a short minute, but Drew got full time care, it’s cool haha. Also, babies take lots of attention :P

- “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.” – Dallin H. Oaks. (Quoted by Todd Christofferson Sunday afternoon session)

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

- Yesterday was a grumpy day for some reason, I ended up going home and playing video games with the guys to ride it out, it worked J. Given the opportunity to break some of the standards I’d set for myself though I would have broke yesterday haha. But DIDN’T!

- I think part of my grumpiness might have been reality sinking in after a conversation with Kalia. Note I was blah before, but I decided to ask her what she thinks about me and Marie dating, and if me and Marie can/should kiss. She pretty much echoed all my own feelings on the matter, that of we get along great and spending time together is totally healthy, but we’re probably not eternal companions for as of yet unknown reasons. And that kissing is probably not the greatest idea if we know the relationship is unlikely to progress further. Getting someone else who had the same opinion was enough for me to really acknowledge the reality of it rather than just think about it as a possibility. Still in the dating game! Lame :P.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

- Today was a crappy day. Not in a metaphorical “everything went wrong” way, but in a more literal “I crapped my pants and sat in it for 6 hours” way. Besides that it was just normal :P.

- it's more fun writing things when you know people read it... and I write down what to me are interesting thoughts so I'm always interested in peoples thoughts on my thoughts. So I can think thoughts about their thoughts on my thoughts.

Friday, April 08, 2011

- So Mike parks in handicap when he gets me up in the morning. And for two weeks I’ve given him crap when I caught him. I hate it when people park in handicap just because they can get away with it, it’s affected my ability to find the ramp space I need many times. I thought about calling the tow company and tipping them off to when he’d be there but I decided that’d be a jerk thing to do. Especially given how broke Mike is. BUT! This morning he got towed anyway! And I didn’t orchestrate it! I even took him to the impound lot and tried to help him talk his way out of it since he was taking care of a handicap person, but they wouldn’t have it… so I feel bad it’s costing him $150. But he knows it was his fault and I even warned him repetitively. I got to feel vindicated without being a jerk!

- I need to start taking my work a bit more seriously. There ARE deadlines and they DO matter.

Monday, April 11, 2011

- Today has been GREAT! No event to make it so, I just feel great. I think it’s because I went to bed at 10. Why must a good sleep schedule be so helpful? I like staying up too… *whimper*

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

- Had an inconclusive but amazing DTRish chat with Marie right before institute. Our relationship is amazing, but what we’re supposed to do with it is amazingly unclear.

- It’s weird turning on my laptop and finding out it’s the first time in days.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

- Methinks I'm a bit sick with a fever. IBProfin is magic though, and! I'm warm enough that for the first time EVER I took off my jacket at work. Crazy right? (post note, I ended up running a fever of 102 that day).

- Since I'm sure you're curious, I'd like you to know that my health today was about as stable as Spring weather in Utah. Thank you and good night.

Friday, April 15, 2011

- “Hell is when the person you are meets the person you could have been.”

Sunday, April 17, 2011

- Amazing Marieekend with Marie. Shopped for smart phones (finally…) lived at home for the week due to my sickness (which lasted 2.5ish days). Probably moving home this week. I love my job. End.

Random Thoughts 15 (more like a long journal entry...)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

- So… I was driving my chair from the car to the office after getting some Arbys (my current lunch venue of choice) and I was zoned out in my thoughts driving full speed. At the last second I noticed I was about to go up a ramp on the sidewalk and I hit it at pretty much full speed. My legs flailed about and one foot landed in front of the foot rest. In the process of trying to put it back on I ended up pulling my foot out of my shoe, by myself, in front of the office haha. I ended up going inside to get my team lead and have him but my shoe back on. It’s been an office joke since…

Saturday, February 26, 2011

- I worked a 12 hour workday today for quite possibly the first time ever. Well, first time for 12 hours of the same job anyway. We’re upgrading to a new version and apparently it’s a lot slower and no one noticed, so everyone was in crazy mode trying to gather data and find improvements.

- So I was scratching Marie’s back and chatting until 3 AM and I realized something. I like giving back scratches just as much, if not more, than receiving them. I think with most people it’s a “if I scratch your back (which isn’t enjoyable for me) then later you’ll scratch my back (which is enjoyable for me” and so both people do something they don’t like to get something they do like. With me though, just the fact that whoever I’m scratching is enjoying it is reward enough for me to love doing it, I love making them happy. And although I like getting back scratches too, it’s not any way related to my motivation for giving them.

- So I was driving and I looked over and saw a guy driving with only one finger on the steering wheel. And my first thought was something like “oh yeah, I’ll bet that guy thinks he’s awesome, driving with one finger.” But then I was like “wait, I do stuff like that and also feel awesome.” There’s something about the male mentality that’s like “yeah, check me out, I’m in total control of this 2 ton vehicle moving at 65 MPH with a SINGLE FINGER! I am awesome!”

- So there’s so much to be said about Marie, and I don’t think I’ll do it justice in this sitting. At this point it’s one of those “I don’t want to write about it unless I’m going to do it proper justice, and I don’t think I’ll do it proper justice today so I won’t write today” things. But at this point it’s at that “it’s a choice between not doing it justice or never writing anything at all” so I’m going with the former. I’m actually writing this on March 27^th btw.

First of all I believe it’s actually partly Marie’s fault I haven’t updated my blog in a while. You see, she makes me happy. I’ve found that I most often blog insights about things wrong in my life that I’d like to fix. With Marie in it though, I’ve mostly felt so happy that I haven’t had much of a need to write, and even the things that are wrong I talk to her about so I still get it outside just me, thus less drive to blog. Also I haven’t been bringing my lappy to work so I’d have to re-enter my apartment every day to get it, at which point the drive to do something like this magically vanishes. However! I do love writing still! And so when I had thoughts or stories I tried to write just a few words that would remind me of my thought so I could finish writing it out later! Today I’m doing that, and there’s some notes about Marie along the way so I figured I’d put this small essay here towards the start.

That being said, Kalia, Marie and I used to get food together all the time close to before Kalia left on her mission. They were both attractive but I mostly debated dating Kalia at the time. A monthish ago Kalia got back from her mission and I was excited to see if she had calmed down a bit, since that was my only reason I didn’t try to date her. I always knew she is wicked smart and has a serious side, but her bubbly side was just too much for me as far as dating goes. I have concluded that that’s just the way she has fun though. It’s entirely wholesome and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not for me. It’s like when you’re with people who just keep laughing histerically at their inside joke and you sit off to the side and watch. Anyway Kalia is great and I enjoy being around her but I’m unlikely to date her.

Later the first night I met up with Kalia though we met up with Marie, who I hadn’t seen since Kalia left if I’m not mistaken. And she was just so much more attractive to me than before. The 3 of us had so much fun! Me and Marie got talking about this dark dating experience she was on the tail end of and ended up talking until 3:30 (we kicked Kalia out at 12:00 cuz she was falling asleep haha). There was just a depth of personality to Marie that’s deeper than most the girls I’ve tried taking out lately, and it was very refreshing. She is also way smart and can keep up with witty banter, as well as having a strong enough backbone to stand up for herself or dish out teasing back, it was fun. Not to mention we got to have a super in depth conversation about motivations and intentions and so on…

The feeling of infatuation was there for the first 2 weeks or so. I was so excited to see her, and when people would ask how my dating life is I’d get a smile on my face that answered their question before I even started talking. Being around Marie just energized me, I was naturally my favorite me around Marie. Now, 6 or something weeks later, most of the above is still true. She still brings out my favorite side of me just by being near me, we still have amazing conversations, I still think there’s more too her than most the girls I take out. The only difference I can see is for some reason the infatuation is gone. The back of my mind tells me I don’t get to have her. She’s preparing for a mission, and there’s no doubt she’d bless many lives if she goes, so maybe I’m not supposed to hold her back. The way we have been dating has been very wholesome, we haven’t even kissed yet (despite discussing it various times, and staying up late talking frequently, which usually is a time where carnal resistance is down and I’ve been more likely to make stupid kissing decisions) so maybe the lack of romantic drive is to help keep me dating the right way, and we are dating, not exclusive but dating.

I almost want to compare this circumstance with Marie to Mallorie but there’s some huge differences. #1 With Marie I had that romantic drive at first, I don’t know what changed it but it has left for now. That being said I know I can feel that way about Marie. With Mallorie I never had that feel, I was hoping I could make it develop. #2 Marie energizes me just by being close, it doesn’t take any conscious effort to bring out my favorite side of me around her. Mallorie I still had to try, and I don’t think it ever came out like it does with Marie. #3 I genuinely love talking to Marie, every time. I don’t know why, and I still feel like a jerk about it, but sometimes with Mallorie I’d start to zone out and I’d consciously reign myself back in. I guess the only real way the two circumstances are similar is that both of them are brilliant motivated amazing women who for some reason I don’t feel a romantic drive for right now and I don’t know why. My best guess is I still have a subconscious drive for a trophy wife in all aspects, which is ridiculous. Anyway, enough about that for now.

- So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet but I decided to only play WoW once a week, Thursdays at the moment. We (me and the roomies) want to start raiding since we’ve done most of the small stuff a bunch and it’s getting old. So we got a pug raid together and didn’t pull off a kill. But the next night (while I was on a date with Marie) they formed up again and downed a boss without me. Now normally, when Final Countdown or someone downed a boss on the night I missed, my instinct would be “ughh! Dang I missed it!” but I’m happy to announce I was just like “nice! Awesome for them!” and I didn’t really feel any jealousy about not being there. It’s a good sign to me that the game has no hold on me anymore.

- So I love doing my public speaking message and sharing my story and singing for people and what not, but I decided the chapel is my least favorite place to do so. When I’m talking, I like to joke around and make people laugh and such, and it just seems like the chapel is meant to be more a place of reverence, and so people are more reluctant to laugh, and I’m less reluctant to be as spontaneous with what I’m saying and such. It’s all perceptions and not any rules anyone’s set, but regardless, the perceptions are there, and I’d rather speak in other rooms if I have the choice.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

- I certainly don’t have all people figured out. Sometimes it seems like a safe assumption that if someone cares about one thing, they’ll care about another. Like, I’ve always found it weird when a girl who bears a strong powerful testimony shows up wearing something super immodest. I’m tempted to think if you feel the gospel that strongly then immodesty is a easy decision. Anyway another manifestation of that was today. Last Sunday of the month, I knew I should do home teaching, but I was like “meh, I don’t feel like it” home teaching motivation can be hard. But, as I was about to head to my parents house, Micah had the motivation to bring it up! And I jumped on board. In fact I was so happy from spending the day with my family and Marie that home teaching kind of became a Corby show (which I feel a bit bad about, but one of the girls was pretty grumpy at the start and giggling at the end, so I think it was good…) anyway the interesting thing to me is I wouldn’t expect someone who knowingly stays up late every Saturday night so much so that they sleep through half of church regularly, despite the fact it’s at 12:40, to be motivated with home teaching. But he was, and I’m glad.

- I did go home to my family today though, and I brought Marie over. We ended up around the piano for like an hour or two singing songs with half the family, and it was amazing. I am SOO blessed to have such a functional family and I am extremely and eternally grateful for it, I love showing them off haha.

- I was so happy on the way back to Orem I did my improv singing. I just make up a tune and sing the words I see on road signs as driving, and then fill in between to make it rhyme and stuff, it’s super fun.

Monday, February 28, 2011

- So I was up until like 3 AM talking to Marie Sunday night (yes this happens a lot, no we’re not even on kissing terms yet.) I swear I used to function better on low sleep than I do now… anyway, Monday I was totally out of it, I felt so useless at work haha. Anyway I came home and was parked in my traditional spot in the apartment, and Neal came in and was talking to me. About 10 minutes later he turned the lights on and I looked quickly left and right, I was genuinely confused at what was happening for a full second before I realized “oh, he turned the light on. Wow.”

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

- I had a thought, maybe Lib is such a hurried CAN and messes things up because he focuses on tasks and not objectives. IE: I can get out of the shower and he can dry me and I’ll still be wet in various places which I have to point out. I have a theory in his mind he’s thinking something like “now I need to rub the towel on his body” and so he does, and he’s done. Rather than thinking “now I need to make sure he’s dry”, which would cause one to check if I’m still wet after doing the towel. I didn’t explain that well…

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

- I had two awesome insights at Sister Terry’s institute class today. First, when I saw Marie this “first time again” she was so much more attractive to me and I couldn’t place it. I even brought it up and she (in all seriousness) said it’s because her hair is long now, it used to be short. I knew that wasn’t it but I couldn’t place it so I didn’t argue haha. I figured it out at institute though! We talked about “the light in their eyes”, how you can see someone’s confidence and purity in their eyes. And the more you have yourself the more you can discern in others. Whether I had more now and recognized it better in her, or she had more and so it was more apparent (my guess is it’s both) she definitely had that, and it was beautiful to me.

- The other thing we talked about at institute was that commons attract. If you want to marry a spiritual giant, be a spiritual giant! I realized me and Marie are on the same page spiritually too. Neither of us feel like spiritual giants, but we both have a genuine desire to become one, to be valiant.

- Hmm, what does the whole commons attract principle mean for people who aren’t progressing or making efforts?...

Thursday, March 03, 2011

- I started with Harmony health care (I had to switch since I’m not getting government aid anymore and they wouldn’t work with my old health care people) and I met my new CNA, Mike, today. He’s a bit better than Lib, but similarly quirky. Not the brightest, and talks a lot, also repeats himself a lot, also can’t talk and do anything at the same time…

- Haha a few times at work when my sight was getting blurry I started doing “eye exercises”. And I only have Marie to blame.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

- It seems like I go in 5 day phases of being thoughtful and then nothing. Also, playing WoW seems to put me in the non thoughtful state. Thus the limit haha. I’m going to start bringing my laptop to work so I have it with me to write afterwards too though so that should be good (remember I’m writing this on the 27^th…)

- So as I was leaving my subdivision I saw a family in unfinished house taking pictures. I realized they’re always together with family, while this phase of my life is just peppered with family. We don’t ever really get the chance to go back, sad. WAIT! I’m moving home at the end of April! YES!!!

- I just had the thought I’m actually grateful I feel like I’m imposing when it comes to lifting my chair or carrying me into a house. If it ever gets to the point where I don’t feel like I’m imposing I’ll probably come across needy or demanding. I like feeling grateful when people assist me with things.

Monday, March 07, 2011

- So the whole 125ish minute drive to my job from my apartment has a slight incline to it, which is PERFECT! Because I’m usually more light headed in the morning than any other time, and reclining helps. So the incline helps my light headedness at the time I need it most in the right direction :).

- So I used to shiver for literally hours after showers, it’s usually not so bad anymore. But what upset me was today for some reason I felt fine after a shower until about 10:30, and THEN I got the shivers! What the crap? I’d either think I was cold the whole time, or I was warm the whole time, there was notging I did at work (to my knowledge) that would have brought out the cold an hour and a half into work, I was just in my cubicle! Oh well.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

- Mike isn’t the best listener… and despite me telling him YES bowel care Tuesday! He forgot, and I was late to work. I was kind of seething and a bit snappy which made me feel bad. Mostly I yelled at him in my mind on the way to work though, and then felt better, ahhh…

- My job is amazing! I was totally blessed! Not only do I enjoy the job, and get paid a lot, the people are awesome! It’s almost like it’s company policy when going to talk to someone on another team that you need to joke around for a minute before discussing business. AND! They even get my sense of humor! I asked my team lead why I needed to upload a future change on the server and set an alarm to implement it later, why don’t I just keep it on my computer? And he said “well, so say you broke your neck tomorrow…” AWESOME! Haha.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

- I’m a jerk. So I was getting dressed, and Mike asked “which shirt?” and I say “the green button up in the top right”, he goes “this one?” and grabs a black sleeve next to it. I say “no, the green button up”, he grabs a blue sleeve in the other side of it and says “this one?” I say “no, the green button up.” Finally he grabs the right on and asks “this one?” and I say “yes. Notice how it’s green.” Now, that was a kind of snippy thing to say, and I felt like a jerk, but I feel like color recognition is a reasonable thing to expect from any human being over age 8. All the same, I decided I need to lower my expectations of Mike’s intelligence and just be willing to repeat myself as many times as needed to make sure I’m taken care of right every morning. Luckily one thing he seems to get well is putting clothes on me in such a way that the shirts don’t end up bunched or twisted. That’s a big one, and hard to explain to people who don’t get it. So I can handle repeating simple instructions...

- “Times are changing.” “That’s what they do.” – Codex Alera book 6

Friday, March 11, 2011

- This is slightly terrible, but I’ve been progressively improving my expectations of physical in a relationship. Honestly I would absolutely love it if I had literally no drive to make out until I was married. That would be great, there’s really no need for it. also honestly I am not at that point… however I am very safely in the “no kissing just for fun” zone. And I realized something funny. I think I used to plan dates with the possibility of make-out time (even though it rarely happened) and I don’t anymore haha.

- It’s still slightly awkward to me that there’s a good amount of technical knowledge girls at work haha, but it’s cool.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

- ‎"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleyways, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose change."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

- “who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn’t seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity”

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

- I had Landon over and we had some good chats. A noteworthy insight I got out of it was about Micah. I mentioned the whole “doesn’t prioritize getting up for church but brings up home teaching” thing, and Landon was like “well that’s easy, Micah is still a good guy and wants the best for others. So something like home teaching is still important to him.” And he went on to say something along the lines that Micah just doesn’t think himself worth it or something, and so he (probably unconsciously…) sabotages things to improve himself. But he still tries to do his best for others.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

- I wonder if some of the less infatuation I have for Marie is because of the less physical? I hope not, I like having a clean conscience about all our interactions.

- Sooo... I was just eating a granola bar while reading a forum about an issue in my code, and then I looked at my hand and was like "AH! How did I get ink all over my finger!?" but it was chocolate. Good times.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

- Sometimes I do feel like an emotional wall. I wonder if I need to take less action to nullify emotional pain in order to experience more joy? I doubt it, I feel disappointment and pain and betrayal and what not, I just don’t dwell on it. And I feel joy still, anyway it was just a random thought.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

- Some mornings it’s more annoying to rely on someone else to get up than others. I asked Mike to come at 6:30, planning on being up by 7, and having 90 minutes of solitary meditation time, or time to call mechanic shops or doctors, just me time. He showed up at 7:10, and took 50 minutes (usually it takes 20) to get me up. Then at 8 he asked if he could putter and clean for a while cuz he couldn’t see his next patient until 9, and he talked at me the whole time. I was nice to him this time (I’m improving) but I was still seething inside haha. I think he picks up on it a little and tries to fix it by talking more, the problem is the talking is why I’m seething, so it’s like trying to get out of a hole by digging faster.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

- Drew Strunk got a job at my work, and it has been way fun. We talk on skype (IM, not audio calls) all day and do lunch half the time. He’s like 4 cubicles over. Good times J

- On that note, Kim at the front desk is working to get SRS to hire her an office assistant. I think it’d be so awesome if I could get Micah that job! He mentioned before office jobs are a type he likes. I mentioned it to him and he seemed to shoot down the idea, maybe it was just a bad day though… I’ll still get him the details once they get what they’re looking for put together.

- I made a financial excel spreadsheet. Factoring in all my fixed expenses like taxes, cell phone, insurance, tithing, 10% savings (which is basically profit), fast offering… etc. For variable expenses (food, gas, fun) I almost exclusively use my American Express card, and over the past 13 months it’s been an average of $550, so I decided I may average more like $700. Then, if I start paying $700/mo to Mom to pay off the remaining $3750 balance on my van, I’ll STILL have $300/mo left over. Very happy.

- Oh, so other dating. I’ve still felt a drive to date despite the fact Marie makes me so happy (which makes me feel bad, but it is what it is) so the last two weeks in a row I’ve taken Marie Bentley, Alicia Ingleby, and Jessica Martin on a date. They’ve all been great. Alicia doesn’t have many people to talk to and most of her friends have moved away so I think she mostly enjoys talking but there’s no romantic interest, she’s the hardest to read though. I usually text her a little during the day too (she responds like every 4 hours haha). Jessica I feel connected with and we have fun talking, but I don’t know if she’s romantically interested or just wants a close friend, she really wants to spend time together though, that’s genuine (Alicia I feel like I have to push a little to get her time). And Marie is amazing J Actually I know she’s going to read this, which is fine because almost everything on here we’ve already discussed haha.

- Oh! I got my recommend to receive my endowments! My bishop years ago told me I could receive them then if I really wanted, but I didn’t feel the drive. Honestly my understanding of it is that I’m making the same promises, but stronger. So I’ll be blessed better for valiance and be held more accountable for sin. Previously, I realized my make out expectations, while not blatently sinful, were less than valiant, and I didn’t want additional accountability for those actions. Now, I am genuinely striving and trying to be fully valiant, and I don’t ever want to regress if I can help it. So it seems like a great time to have additional blessings to help me stay on the path, and additional deterrents to motivate me not to turn back.

- Also! It’s time to get out of my apartment. I want to live with people who all go to church on time, who hold and fulfill their church callings, who dislike media which is unwholesome, who are striving to progress in work and school, who want to socialize and create an environment that’s inviting to others. And it’s just not working anymore here. Also I want to get away from this complex where there is a constant rotation of freshmen girls who don’t take dating seriously and just want to have fun. I’m graduated and working full time, I’m moving on to a different phase of life then girls just starting school, and over time I’ll relate to them less and less. I’ve loved my stay here, it’s been a great experience, but it’s time to get out.

That being said, CJ wants to move out with me and Bryan. That would be soooo awesome! He’s not ready financially yet though. Not like moving out is every financially the “best” decision. But the other great thing about moving out besides independence is the enhanced social which just doesn’t happen when living at home for some reason. CJ is fairly content socially though so he’s just not ready to move out yet. My contract expires in April though. As mentioned I need to get out of Parkway still, and I don’t want to move in with new/random people for just the Summer while waiting for CJ, so I might as well move home, it’s a great environment. I might end up there longer than the Summer too, but I’ll probably never have the chance to be around my family on a daily basis like this ever again. So it’ll be great, and worth it. We’ll probably try to do game nights or other social events anyway, which will still be a step up from the female social at my apartment. And since I work in Orem I can still take girls in this area out to dinner after work if I want to see them, so my association with people out here won’t die. I can even listen to a book on tape for the half-hour drive to and from work! it’ll be great.

- in conclusion, life is great. Spiritually it’s great, dating is great, social will be great, my home environment will be great, financially and vocationally it’s great, my body is having some unpredictable reactions but it’s manageable and thus great. Life is great and I’m totally blessed right now, for which I’m extremely grateful J.